Thursday, May 31, 2012

Thin excuses are being used to kill Feral Cats

Authorities in Orange County, California have developed a plan to trap Feral Cats at two Santa Ana elementary schools, traps will be set at Frances E. Willard Intermediate School and El Sol Science and Arts Academy in the belief that trapping Feral cats might - wait for it stop the spread of Typhus.

Cat Running


It might sound odd to most reasonable people, but the authorities have stated that they believe that Feral Cats might be carrying fleas infected with Typhus and that those fleas might spread the disease to humans. I hope you caught the word 'MIGHT' there, it appeared quite often didn't it!

Sadly after being caught the Feral Cats won't be tested for Typhus or indeed any of the fleas that they may have oh no they will simply be will be sedated and then euthanised.

The reason why all of the Feral Cats in the area will be killed is simple last month, one person living in the area contracted Typhus and that person might have been in contact with a Feral Cat who might have had fleas, and the fleas might have be carrying a Typhus virus - so many 'mights' again. And yes you read that right just one person contracted Typhus, there isn't a plague!

Apparently the person who contracted Typhus was hospitalised but has since made a complete recovery. Which all seems a pretty thin reason to exterminate all of the wildlife in the area don't you think dear cuddly readers?

Cat in a Cage


The same happened at JFK Airport a few years ago although the Feral Cats there weren't accused of an possible public health violations they were just living at the airport, minding their own business but The Port Authority of New York who manages the 5,000 acre facility decided that hundreds if not thousands of Feral Cats that lived on their property were best dealt with by exterminating them.

The reason this time because no one had been clever enough to think up the public health wheeze was air and passenger safety. The Port Authority claimed that "the wild Cats were a danger to aircraft and passengers," if you can believe that and so they trapped them, and then killed them.

Most owners of large plots of land discover Feral Cats living on the bits that they don't use, to be perfectly true it's probably untrue that the wild Cats would pose much of a threat to humans or their machinery as humans seem to pose to them and that is because Feral Cats tend to stay away from humans and have no idea how to fly aeroplanes or operate other machinery airport related or not!

These land owners will of course throw up their hands in despair and say that Feral Cats are un-adoptable, this is not true. What is true is that it would cost a lot more to tame, feed and then find homes for the Feral Cats and would cost too much, so killing them is the best way because it is cheap.

Cat behind planks

Well I have news for all land owners (and I am not the only one) Feral Cats can be 'tamed' and can make great house Cats. Cats aren't stupid they respond to love, care, attention and most of all food. It's true that humans can't get a Cat to do what they want them do, when they want them to do whatever it is. That not because Cats are wild it is because they aren't stupid!

Below is a photograph of a very good friend of mine who was a Feral Cat for most of his life who was 'lucky' enough to get knocked down in London and while most humans just stared at his body lying in the road my translator stopped to actually help the stricken animal, he ignored the call from one old scrote to "kill the stray and put it out of its misery". Instead he carefully picked the crumpled Cat up and took him to a Vet.

Six months later after fixing, breaking and re-fixing a broken leg 'Bumper' came to live with John Woodcock in the English countryside where he used to sit in the sun, sniff plants, lie out stretched on John's desk while John was working and generally and make the most of his retirement.

Bumper was the gentlest, calmest, nicest Cat anyone could share a house with and never once fought with any of the other Cats who he lived with let alone attacked any humans who came to visit and never once gave anyone or anything an infectious disease.

The only naughty thing he ever did (and he never got tired of his little joke) was when lying full out on John's desk he would occasionally without getting up knock a pen or rubber of the desk and look up at John just to make sure he was not being ignored and when you said 'Oh Bumper look at what you have done" He would grin and go back to sleep safe and sound which is exactly what he deserved.

Poor Bumper died of cancer, probably from all of the pollution in London, one of the most polluted cities in the world, caused of course by humans!

Bumper






About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and his latest wonderful book 'The Cat's Travelogue' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat's Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , ,

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The Short Sighted Lions of Longleat

EXT. A SAFARI PARK SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND. Day.

LION ONE


Daniel have you seen the sign?

LION TWO


What sign Michael?


Don t Pick the Flowers






About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and his latest wonderful book 'The Cat's Travelogue' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat's Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , ,

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Calling all Squirrels

How About This Boys In Phuket You Can get Your Nuts Massaged

Further comment might be inappropriate! But when has that stopped me?

I love signs, especially when the sign writer has no idea what he wants to say and doesn't understand what his or indeed her message ultimately conveys! Which can lead to some desperately embarrassing situations like the case of this sign in Phuket which suggests that Squirrels or humans might get an interesting massage - females of both species should not apply!





About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and his latest wonderful book 'The Cat's Travelogue' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat's Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , ,

Monday, May 28, 2012

It's hot are you thirsty? Read she sign. Bet you aren't now!

Pocari Sweat or as they say in Japan ポカリスエット Pokari Suetto is a great name for a soft drink isn't it? I am surprised that the good folk at Red Bull didn't snap that one up aren't you then we could have the Pocari Sweat racing teams competing in all sorts of 'fast' events where a lot of err… sweating is done.

Thirsty Read The Sign Bet You Aren t Now Japan

Seriously though, would you, even if you were hot and um… sweaty drink a bottle of the stuff even if it was straight from the fridge?

I am sure like me you are asking yourselves, my dear cuddly readers why the Japanese like the idea of drinking 'sweat' well (sadly) there's a perfectly reasonable answer - and that is that the Japanese, bless them, in the main don't actually mentally translate names that appear in English on product labels and so they aren't bothered by what that name might mean in English, that's a pity because that reasonable explanation takes some of the fun out of the idea of millions of hot Japanese people reaching for a can or bottle of 'sweat' to cool themselves down doesn't it!

Oh I nearly forgot apparently, according to the manufacturers, the word 'Pocari' doesn't have a meaning it is, wait for it, according to the clever marketeers - a light, bright sound.

Well I don't know about you but when the Cat says Pocari it doesn't really sound light or bright to me and if it did the attachment of the word 'sweat' to the name ruins any shine the word may have.

Pocari sweat 500ml





About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and his latest wonderful book 'The Cat's Travelogue' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat's Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , ,

Friday, May 25, 2012

Please pay attention to the upper air - more nonsense from China

They say "make hay while the sun shines" in the western world and goodness knows how that would be translated by the 'brilliant' Chinese minds that brought you the amazingly inept translation below, but who cares really, not me. And that is because as I explained yesterday my Chinese gagging order has probably been relaxed as the leaders of the next superpower fight between themselves for ever larger control of the government of China and of course a bigger bucketfuls of all of the money sloshing around in the corridors of power there.

All of which makes your average multi-billionaire Russian Oligarch look like a toddler with a large suitcase or two of play money.

China World Leaders One day

This sign and its wonderful translation, I have to say, is the 'best' translation I have ever not been able to read let alone comprehend and I assure you that if you wanted to write this kind of mental drool you couldn't string enough words together to produce perfect drivel to do it. Well done China the next superpower.

I have just tried to 'translate' the saying at the beginning of this blog using the Chinese method of translation and wondered what you thought of it dear cuddly readers. "Hay shines while make sun." No, I just don't have their 'gift' do I?





About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and his latest wonderful book 'The Cat's Travelogue' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat's Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , ,

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Do you have backside troubles? Help is at hand!

This sign offers good news for anyone with backside troubles, I think. But first I wonder if any of my dear cuddly readers can tell me what are backside troubles and why a Beijing hotel bathroom would offer to repair them.

Bum Job

Is this I wonder, part of the "Two Fly Rule" that has been introduced by the new super power government concerned about the standard of public toilets in Beijing?

What is the "Two Fly Rule" I hear you ask with a sense of disinterest bordering on desperation? Well those clever chaps at the very very top of the government in China have decided that all public toilets in Beijing must not have more than two flies buzzing around per cubicle, and oddly enough the "Two Fly Rule" is just part of a rather bizarre new directive issued to washroom attendants and any others with an interest in public restrooms.

In addition to the "Two Fly Rule" other new measures aimed at improving public toilets in the Chinese capital include limiting the amount of rubbish that can be discarded on the toilet floor, though no one was prepared to say what sort of rubbish and how much was allowed under the new "Two Fly Rule." There were other measures it is just that this Cat got bored reading them so gave up trying writing about them especially when the "Two Fly Rule" is strange enough on its own!

The man with the job of enforcing the initiative is called Xie Guomin and recently when asked by journalists about the "Two Fly Rule," he said that it and all of the other measures to improve Beijing toilets weren't actually compulsory, but were simply a new benchmark designed to improve the Chinese capital's notoriously disgusting and unpleasant public restrooms, something this Cat commented on in his masterpiece of feline literature 'The Cat's Travelogue.'

Sadly those comments were removed from my wonderful unputdownable book 'The Cat's Travelogue.' due in the main to a large payment of hush money paid into a Swiss bank account courtesy of the Chinese government. But as the incredibly corrupt official in charge of overseeing my silence has been removed from power and his equally corrupt buddies are trying to make other more serious 'activities' of theirs disappear from public record, I at least consider my agreement with them to be largely null and void and I can start to tell my cuddly readers all about the dreadful place that is called China at long last.

Sorry about that I got side tracked, where was I? Oh yes! Xie Guomin the party official in charge of toilets and more importantly the well thought out "Two Fly Rule" was reported saying. "We will not actually count fly numbers. The regulation is specific and quantified, but the inspection methodology will be flexible." What on earth does that mean - it sounds like David Cameron talking doesn't it?

Roughly translated what Xie Guomin said is 'party speak' for "we will do nothing at all to improve any public toilets and we have no idea why those bastard imperialists made such a fuss our our cosy, rubbish strewn, fly infest bogs when they were here during the 2008 Olympics, and if anyone asks why it has taken the government so long to get around to doing nothing about our filthy toilets they can go to hell! After all what is wrong with the public toilet in the picture below?"

Dirty public toilet China

Which just goes to show how far China has to go before it can really and truthfully think of itself as a superpower or indeed a civilised nation because a superpower and civilised nation would have a "No Fly Zone" wouldn't it? Tee hee!





About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and his latest wonderful book 'The Cat's Travelogue' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat's Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , ,

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

A 'bun' from Finland Words Fail Me!

"Care for a knob bun madam?" Is probably a question that you hear the length and breath form Finland from kinky Helsinki to outrageous Oulu.

Finland Words Fail Me

Although of course everyone knows that in 1977, for reasons best known to err… Fins the concepts of both 'city' and 'town' were done away with and today the poor old Fins only have municipalities by law, however the Fins being human call most of their municipalities "towns" tee hee.

And the madness and disorganisation gets better, which is why I like the Fins by the way, because a simple decision by the municipal council to change the description of a rural municipality or wait for it 'junta' can change the town into a 'city' which, for those few who care outside of Finland, is called a 'kaupunki' in Finnish.

All of which means, if this Cat got his whiskers around Finnish law correctly, that the 1977 judgement is worth as much as an old Voisilmäpulla or knob bun and I have to say I like that idea!

For those curious cuddly readers among us I thought I would show you all a picture of a Voisilmäpulla or knob bun, no it isn't quite the shape I imagined either!

Voisilmapulla





About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and his latest wonderful book 'The Cat's Travelogue' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat's Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , ,

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Food with it's own particular aroma

I love America because the people are open, honest and fun, where else in the world would they call a restaurant Captain Poo's Blue Marlin Bar and Grill? Nowhere and that is a fact which is why Captain Poo's Blue Marlin Bar and Grill is at 2200 Little River Neck Road, North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina in the good ole US of A.

Food with it s own particular aroma

Of course Captain Poo's Blue Marlin Bar and Grill serves a lot of very good grilled fish but it isn't right next to the sea as suggested on the sign it is about a mile inland but it is right next to the Little Neck River and that flows into the sea eventually.

And if you don't fancy Captain Poo's why not try Fibbers on the Water?

Fibber banner

It isn't that far away down at 4498 Water Front Ave, Little River, South Carolina, though I have to say if you watch their video presentation here Fibbers you'll see why they call the restaurant 'Fibbers' their "Shepherd's Pie" has a pie crust and everyone in the place that that dish was invented knows that Shepherd's Pie has a Mashed Potato topping duh!

For those of you who don't know what a proper Shepherd's Pie is and that obviously includes the good people of Fibbers Restaurant here is a picture of a rather tasty one, I blush to say who made it of course!

Shepherds Pie

Lastly for those of you for whom the English language is not their native language and of course I include Americans in that group I would like to explain the word 'fibber.' In the English language to tell a fib is to lie and the person telling the 'fib' is a 'fibber.' Tee hee!





About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and his latest wonderful book 'The Cat's Travelogue' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat's Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , ,

Monday, May 21, 2012

Does anyone trust lawyers?

If you have read my masterpieces of feline literature 'Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and 'The Cat's Travelogue' you may well be familiar with my lawyer Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz "call me Todd" who has represented me as a lawyer, agent, advisor, familiar, confidante, spokesperson, PR expert, investment consultant and personal councillor for a number of years whether I have wanted him to or not and in the process taken what 'others' describe as a substantial portion of my income including royalties, gifts, personal expenses for appearances in person or as Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz "call me Todd" says is a very small percentage of the whole "operation" bearing in mind what he does for me.

So when I saw the sign below it honestly started me thinking. Are the 'others' right or are they as Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz "call me Todd" says acting in a "sour grape-wise manner because they didn't get in on the found floor!"

No one trusts lawyers

So here is a snap shot of my recent thoughts and maybe you can decide for me because I am in two minds which is confusing to say the least!

I'm torn these days, I know I owe Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz "call me Todd" a lot because he tells me I do and then goes on to say that if I hadn't used his personal management company and its dozens of "affiliates," all of whom charge by the hour, I don't think I would be sitting here writing this blog because I wouldn't be the famous and fabulously successful author that I am, but people who I have met along the way seem to disagree and I am starting to believe them!

For example I would never ever have thought that as part of my "disbursements," Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz "call me Todd's" word not mine, I had to purchase a "runabout" for him from Ferrari of America so that he could drive over to my place for brunch. And then when I moved to England do exactly the same thing.

But I trust Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz "call me Todd." He has, like Bernie Madoff before him, done such a lot for me, and as he never fails to tell me there is one difference between Bernie and Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz "call me Todd" and that's true with Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz "call me Todd" I get to keep most of my hard earned cash and as Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz "call me Todd" tells me unlike poor Stevie Spielberg Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz "call me Todd" was able to get most of my money back from Bernie Madoff before "everything started to turn into the shape of a Pear." And of course for that I am grateful to Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz "call me Todd" for that, I understand that Steven Spielberg had to really cut back and sell one of his super yachts and is only left with five of his homes, poor lamb. Still if he made better movies he might just be able to buy a new super yacht but then that is merely my personal opinion.

The reason why I am still not sure if Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz "call me Todd" is to be fully trusted is that so many lawyers, like bankers, politicians and a large number of stockbrokers, investment advisors, and financiers have proved to be, at best cold hearted individuals who are only looking to line their pockets, and at worst are now, after years of being trusted confidantes, being convicted of a catalogue of very serious crimes and going down for 'stretches' that are substantially longer than their life expectancy and I am sure that there are more to follow.

Worse still if you are like me just a little paranoid and prone to delusion (I think I might be that unless I am being delusional about it of course) you may be casually reading the UK newspapers and start to form the opinion that there is an awful lot of collusion and conversation between the UK's ruling party, the Police and some Newspapers with of course a liberal peppering of 'professionals' lawyers, accountants, financiers etc., involved all of which is very worrying.





About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and his latest wonderful book 'The Cat's Travelogue' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat's Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , ,

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Morish sweeties - the not so perfect indulgence

On my meandering way around the world researching my latest unputdownable masterpiece of feline literature 'The Cat's Travelogue' I dropped off in a lot of places, but then human cities, after a while, get very samey don't they and frankly they could send anyone with as little interest in human activities (except Prawn fishing of course) to sleep.

One of the places I did stay awake in was Buenos Aires. I also felt rather hungry all of the time and unfortunately after I got back home I had to dump the entire chapter of my masterpiece of feline literature 'The Cat's Travelogue' because it was drivel which was odd because at the time of writing it I though that it was amazing, and one of the best things I had ever written.

Thinking back to my time in Argentina I have a suspicion that all of the rambling drivel I wrote and my feeling of euphoria might have had more to do with the rather nice sweeties I became rather partial to while I was there!

Oddly enough when my supply was curtailed, after leaving the country, I was rather depressed for a while and even now a few years afterwards I still have the occasional craving for Crack Crocante.

Addictive sweetie for all ages Argentina

You don't have any in your pockets do you? Just a little taste, that's all I want, I've got Prawns!





About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and his latest wonderful book 'The Cat's Travelogue' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat's Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , ,

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Imagine my horror!

As the title says imagine my horror when I was casually leafing through my admiring Twitter followers and weeding out the spammers and porn artists, who I seem to attract for no reason that I can fathom, to discover that this political organisation follows me.

Twitter horror

The picture of that chap who leads the organisation and goes by the odd title of '10' is enough to put anyone off their breakfast Prawns isn't it? What a shifty looking character he is, personally I don't ever trust people with very high foreheads do you?

After I recovered from the shock and came out from behind the sofa and meowed a bit to let my translator know what might have 'happened' (if you see what I mean) close to where I was cowering - well in my defence I was terrified by that haunting smirk '10' has, I started to wonder why 'they' would wish to follow me, they can't be fans of mine can they? I somehow doubt that.

So what other reasons could there be for reasonably powerful political institution that's so unpopular with the British people that it had to share power with a minority party which it referred to before the election as "irrelevant?"

Makes a Cat wonder doesn't it! Oh! As to the question above! I have no idea why that lot follow me but I hope that they are telling all of their members to buy at least one copy of my wonderful books it may well cheer them up especially as they and their political allies will get what my old Mum used to call a "drubbing" at the next election assuming that they last that long.

So if you '10' and your politicos are reading this, and of course it will appear and even get retweeted on my page at Twitter I hope that you take some of this Cat's wisdom to heart, especially the occasional serious stuff which is usually about animal welfare.

The UK is not a good place for a lot of animals to live today, with idiots training Dogs to fight and to be like weapons, with what look like 'normal' middle aged women putting a Cat into a dustbin just because the Cat was sitting on a wall near one, and worst of all the fact that even the royals can't keep their itchy bejewelled, privileged fingers of the triggers of their Purdey & Sons 12 bore shotguns much to the cost of anything that is either furry or feathered and wild.

As you can see from the picture below of the exterior of Purdey & Sons shop in South Audley Street London, all of the royals from the queen downwards like their double barrelled fun and have given Purdey permission to use their coat of arms.

Purdey

Of course a royal warrant means that the royals either get their weapons and ammo cheap or don't pay for them at all and the company gets their warrant, a seal of approval, and with that can double their prices even when they aren't selling their hardware to folk from the middle east who are tired of hunting with hawks and want to do what the royal family do with such grace and blow large holes in deer, rabbits, pheasant, grouse, and any other wild creatures that cross their sights.

And just to show that this cat isn't exaggerating look at the picture below. Nothing demonstrates the result of a successful royal hunting party better than a picture of the participants carrying away the corpses of so many defenceless little wild creatures, in this case a brace or two of pheasants. While one of them wears a hat that was killed earlier!

Wills Kate shooting

Finally this is just an observation, but have you noticed that both William and Kate share that ominous human characteristic I mentioned above, a very high forehead, it has to mean something doesn't it?





About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and his latest wonderful book 'The Cat's Travelogue' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat's Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , ,

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Florida drivers please read the sign

Most signs in the world have little or no value (except comedic) and therefore should be ignored, but and it is a big one so I will say it again but there are some signs that should be read, understood and their advice, instructions followed to the letter, one such sign is the one below which appears in Florida.

Pathers Crossing

The reason why the sign above is so important is simple, simple maths, which I know most of you humans aren't that good at, so I will type slowly here!

There are only about 160 adult members of the species known as the 'Florida Panther' in the world, well in Florida (as the names suggests) alive today and the reason why there are rather a lot of signs announcing that drivers should be on the lookout for Panthers crossing some roads is because more than one third of all Florida Panther deaths recorded last year were from collisions with cars.

Now everyone knows that animals, and in this case a certain Panther based in Florida not only can't read but also have no road safety training, so it's important that humans in their cars show just a little of their common sense and slow down on the stretches of roads where signs like the one above have been installed, it would mean an awful to Florida Panthers and save cars from being badly dented and their drivers from having a traumatic experience.

If cars and more importantly humans slowed down then the poor little Florida Panther kitten below would be not only safer but in his case be able to frolic about like a err… um… 'kitten' and do stupid things with his brothers and sisters, but sadly instead of this and because of some clown in a car this little chap has been left strapped into a full body walker and crying for his brother who died from his injuries when he was hit by the same car.

Panther Bodywalker

Worse still for this sad kitten who is being treated for his injuries at Tampa's Lowry Park Zoo, no one knows if he is going to survive and if he does will he be able to walk and one day return to the wild, and not to labour the point too much but after all of his suffering assuming he manages to get healthy and go back to the wild whether he will just get knocked down again by a car, just because some moron in a motor needs to get somewhere 2 minutes faster than they would if they drove at a speed which would allow them to spot Florida Panthers and their kittens crossing the road.

Pather Crying

So what do you say drivers of Florida, and in particular those drivers who use the roads in the district around Naples, can you slow down and not only look out for the signs that mention quite clearly that one of the rarest and most unique species of Cat in the world and their even rarer kittens might be strolling across a road in front of your car and really would prefer not to be a pile of something nasty on the kerb, so can you slow down please when you see the sign at the top of the page or the one just below this plea.

Panther Sign

And then if you do slow down little chaps like our friend here, who is taking forty winks after exhausting himself trying to move around in his full body walker all day, might just live to grace the landscape in Florida.

Sleeping Panther

What could be better than in a few years time some intrepid photographer manages to get a picture of this kitten now fully grown and living his life in the wild? No actually what could be better is that this blog had never been written and the little chap and his brother never hit by a 'human' not a car, it's humans who drive cars after all, and that could be the case if everyone driving around Naples just slowed down, surely these drivers wouldn't speed across school crossings would they?

Panther in a Tree





About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and his latest wonderful book 'The Cat's Travelogue' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat's Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , ,

Monday, May 14, 2012

Spain where everyone is included!

It was the Spanish F1 Grand Prix this weekend and although I didn't have the opportunity to see it at the track in Barcelona I do intend to see it on TV so please don't tell me the result.

When I go to the GP in Barcelona or indeed visit any part of Spain I have to say I always love it, although I also have to say that the average Spaniard's attitude to animals is worse than absolutely awful, because they are cruel and seem to think that animals should be treated like err… um… animals, which as you will know if you have read either of my masterpieces of feline literature 'Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' or 'The Cat's Travelogue' you will know that I don't agree with animals being treated in that way. Sadly if you have read both of them you will also know that it isn't only the Spanish alone from the world's over population that treat animals badly, but as I say in my more Martin Luther King moments "our day will come!" Or did Ruby & the Romantics say it in a song that Amy Winehouse sang it before her clogs were popped? I don't really know the answer to that and if I did it would spoil the little jokette tee hee!

Having said all of that Spain is a nice place to visit and as a holiday destination caters for all tastes and pockets even odd minorities as you can see from the label below, they even make a cheese especially for morons bless them! That is bless the Spanish and the Morons of course, we Cats can't be criticised for being exclusive in our blessings.

Spanish cheese for morons

And before you all write in, in your tens, I know that the cheese is actually Swiss and made by the Morons of the Canton of Jura on the shores of Lake Geneva, but the hunk of cheese above was on sale in Spain and I wanted to mention the Spanish GP, well I didn't want to mention the Spanish GP really I wanted to watch it by my translator said that if I didn't write a blog first I couldn't watch it. Grrr!

Usually I would include a picture of the Spanish GP but if I do that I will probably find out the result and it goes without saying that I don't want to know the result just yet because that would spoil my viewing pleasure wouldn't it?





About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and his latest wonderful book 'The Cat's Travelogue' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat's Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , ,

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Oh the horror - a petting enclosure

Recently a collection of stupid humans tried their hardest to give us felines, well one of my bigger spotted brothers, a bad name yet again by being, stupid, very stupid and then even stupider!

Imagine the scene in Kagga Kamma game reserve, Port Elizabeth South Africa, acres of wild landscape and even wilder animals that you can annoy in a Landrover by spending hours driving to gawp at the occasional tail, smear of fur whizzing past and so on.

If you can't imagine here is a picture to help you!

Kraggakamma Giraffe

It must be frustrating for the Kagga Kamma game reserve staff and owners that they can't provide more of an up close and person experience for the intrepid humans who want to trek in air conditioned comfort to take out of focus pictures of what might be an Antelope's bottom or a Lion's unmentionables.

So when Mark and Monty were neglected by their mother who probably got tired of sharing her reality with so many viewers as if they were in some sort of Big Brother show in Khaki she decided to run away leaving two adorable Cheetah cubs which the Kagga Kamma game reserve hand reared.

Obviously the Kagga Kamma game reserve is not a charity and it soon occurred that Mark and Monty could be big earners for the Kagga Kamma game reserve.

All that was required was to dump them in a 'petting zoo' area, and let's face it a chicken wired compound is cheap and the flooring grows naturally if the visitors would only stick to the path, and so the Cheetah Petting Experience was conceived or is that ill-conceived?

For four years as Mark and Monty grew up they endured any number of fools and their children who would interrupt their naps by stroking, prodding and making so much noise until one day a drip and her video camera wielding husband became the straw that would break the long suffering Cheetah brothers patience.

The fools in question were Mr. and Mrs. D'Mello who were on holiday in South Africa from Aberdeen, the holiday being a 60th birthday treat for Violet D'Mello, with Mr. D'Mello filming every moment they entered the Cheetah Petting Area (just the name suggests trouble doesn't it?) accompanying a family with young children.

Details of what the children or Mr. and Mrs. D'Mello did to the Cheetahs is sketchy at best but the family, their children and Mr. and Mrs. D'Mello should surely have known that they were at best intruding upon the Cheetahs in a very small space and as you can see from the picture below Mrs. D'Mello was not content to just look at the Cheetahs she had to touch and what were we told about touching when we were young?

Mrs D Mello and a hungry Monty

I have to say that Monty looks a bit peckish doesn't he?

For some reason best known to the parents of one of the children one of the Cheetahs, no one seems to know whether it was Mark of Monty, but one is named after a very famous and not particularly competent general, grabbed a seven year old girl and unfortunately did what Cheetahs tend to do with prey luckily leaving just a few cuts on her legs.

Quite rightly, some would say, the girl's brother started running towards the enclosure's gate to get away from the 'wild' animals, doing I am afraid what will do if given the opportunity, like oh say for instance finding themselves locked up in a small enclosure with what is to them 'prey.'

Although no news report I have read mentions screaming, shouting and any hurling of stones (at the Cheetahs and not the other way around of course) this Cat imagines that there was a lot of that sort of thing going on, as Mrs. D'Mello for reasons best known to herself grabbed the girl's brother to stop him legging it towards the gate and freedom and one of the Cheetahs turned his attention on her.

When Cheetahs hunt they knock their prey to the ground, usually after a bit of a very high speed chase, on this occasion Mrs. D'Mello and the Cheetah dispensed with the chase and landed on the ground with a bump.

Naughty Monty

After a Cheetah has brought its prey down the next thing on their list of 'to-dos' is to bite, scratch, graze and gouge the prey's head using their amazing powerful to say nothing of sharp, claws and jaws, Mrs. D'Mello by all accounts was only subject to some grazing and gouging getting off lightly in my opinion as a Cat.

After what must have seemed like ages, especially to Mrs. D'Mello, a park attendant arrived on the scene and tried to pull either Monty or Mark off here head, while - yes you guessed it didn't you? Monty or Mark was pinning her to the ground and biting her legs.

Where was Mr. D'Mello all of this time, you may well ask and the answer is simple he was filming all the time, so that I imagine, they have something to show the grandkids when they get back home after the holiday which they decided they should continue, suggesting that the injuries to Mrs. D'Mello's head were not serious and this like most stories in the press these days is more than a little pumped up, like a anecdote on steroids!

According to the Mr. D'Mello the length of the attack and the length of the clip he posted on YouTube (you can bet) was three minutes during which time Mrs. D'Mello says she "just played dead!" After the attack Mrs. D'Mello ran for the gate and eventually hospital.

Mrs. D'Mello was 'lucky' according to Cheetah experts, presumably not based at the Kagga Kamma game reserve who probably would never put adult Cheetahs and humans no matter how big or small in the same small enclosure and definitely not encourage petting from either side, she suffered injuries to her head, stomach and legs and had stitches, the Cheetah experts mentioned (though whether that was within Mrs. D'Mello's hearing or not no one knows) that Cheetahs usually only aim for the stomach so that they can disembowel their prey.

In my considered and considerable opinion it is such a shame that humans have so many zoos, television programmes, animated cartoons and movies which show wild animals as loveable, and cuddly we aren't, animals especially ones who have not chosen to live indoors like Dogs and occasionally house Cats are wild dangerous and tend to view anything that is weaker than them and in this case I am talking about humans, as dinner or at the very least possibly dinner after a bit of a fight.

MontyMark

Cats (like me) are dangerous and the best thing you can do is to leave us alone, think of us as Bulls if you want to remind yourself how dangerous we are, we look cuddly, soft and gentle (oops the Bull analogy is evaporating bait but stay with me please) but if you stroke us and we don't want to be stroked then we will demonstrate just how wild we can be!

In fact I think that the staff at the Kagga Kamma game reserve agree with me, if you take a look at their home page here Kagga Kamma game reserve home page you will see at the top of the page a very pissed off Cheetah, now I am not saying that the picture is of either Monty or Mark but it tends to show that they might not actually believe what was said in their official comment that they thought that neither Monty nor Mark were dangerous because they had been hand reared and over four years had received 'dozens' of visitors in their enclosure without anything unfortunate happening.

However Portland Oregon resident Michelle Bodenheimer might disagree with the 'official' version of the lives of these two young and very boisterous Cheetahs she was mauled by an 18 month old Cheetah cub while at the Kagga Kamma Game Park in South Africa three years ago when Monty and Mark would have been err… cubs - naughty boys!

Obviously the only defence that the good people of Kagga Kamma game reserve have is that it is a commercial adventure which offers the general public the opportunity to experience "A Wild Animal Kingdom" and if you don't read the small print then you are just stupid aren't you?





About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and his latest wonderful book 'The Cat's Travelogue' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat's Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , ,

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Singing in Sri Lanka

The setting is tropical. The hotel is above average for Sri Lanka, read into that what you will! And the sunset reflecting across the beach is breathtaking.

Sri Lanka Sunset

You have to admit and I have to say that even the dead things floating in the pool and the none to clean hotel look rather tidy in the Sri Lankan sunset and that is saying something!

Singing Hotel

All in all it really makes you want to sing! Even though we know the affect that a Cat singing (and indeed a singing Cat) will have on the other guests, (to say nothing of everyone else in a 10 mile radius) and that's just as well because if you read the small print at the bottom of the Mini Bar bill you will note that you have to "Sing for the items consumed…"

Sing for items from the mini bar


Reading the bottom of the bill suggests to me that just like that "wonderfully progressive and highly developed" aid recipient across the Indian Ocean, when Sri Lankan's write in English they sound just like Indians!





About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and his latest wonderful book 'The Cat's Travelogue' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat's Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

If you want to read more about my travels around the planet then do check out my latest masterpiece of feline literature 'The Cat's Travelogue' which is available from not only good bookshops but every bookshop and of course the ever reliable web-retailer Amazon at a .co or .com near you here are two to start with - Paperback edition of The Cat's Travelogue at Amazon.com, Paperback edition of The Cat's Travelogue at Amazon.co.uk and if you prefer an electronic edition for your ereader then just use either of the pages to click through to the kindle edition which also works on all of apple's 'i' products, in fact I can tell you that my cover looks very special on the latest iPad and I think it really 'does something' for the machine itself!

The Cat s Travelogue Cover


Here are some links to my wonderful book 'The Cat's Travelogue.'

And if you need a kindle or an iPad today be sure to use either of the links below because if you do, and this is between you and me you understand I get paid for sending you to Amazon to buy one and I can't tell you how much that means to me! Of course the same applies if you need to buy at leads one copy of my wonderful book which is why I put links to both the paperback edition and the electronic/kindle edition above.

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , ,