Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Will My Cousin Become Extinct Just Because He Wears A Kilt?

The elusive Highland Tiger, or Scottish Wildcat, is in terrible decline up in the wild high bits of Jockland and it isn't only because the weather is sever and it's so cold that you run a daily risk of freezing your danglies off.

Apparently the biggest problem for that the shy Highland Tiger or Scottish Wild Cat is that people just don't know he exists, or that is what so called experts on the aforementioned Wild Cat think. Seems a bit of an odd theory to this Cat because in my experience as soon as humans know that a species exist they either find excuses to hunt the poor animal or if they are Chinese they want to chop bits off it to make them sexier.

But the expert's theory goes something like this "It's hard for people to relate and care for something that they don't know exists."

So here is a picture of the Scottish Wild Cat or now more trendily named Highland Tiger so that when you are wandering the wastes of Jockland you will recognise him immediately although because he is Scottish he might occasionally be wearing a tartan skirt.



Highland Tiger or Scottish Wildcat


He is really rather good looking isn't he and if I may say so looks a lot like me, there now you care for him don't you!


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Thursday, August 25, 2011

London's Olympic Rehearsal?

Did you all see the cover of Private Eye showing London's Olympic Rehearsal? They've been doing what the Onion News does for 50 years!

If not here it is and I think it could be hilarious if it wasn't true. Sadly London is a polluted, over crowded, dirty and dangerous place which is almost as dangerous as well any other major capital city in the world and the London Olympics will just make things worse.



Londons Olympic Rehearsal


Mind you London can look nice especially when it is empty.



London Bridge


But then it is only empty when it is cold and people walk to work because the roads are choked with broken snow ploughs and burning gritting lorries. If you are American and reading this you may not know that a snow plough is a 'snow plow' and gritting lorries whether alight or not are gritting trucks hope that helps.


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Monday, August 22, 2011

Cat's Eyes Removed

Now please don't accuse me of being dramatic or worse paranoid but when you see a sign in England that says 'Cat's Eyes Removed' on the road and it's been placed opposite a building belonging to The Blue Cross (a UK Veterinary Charity) then you have to wonder what might be going on?


Cat s Eyes Removed

As a member of an elite and highly regarded species I have to ask the question, why would a Veterinary Charity be advertising for Cat's Eyes? And what are they going to do with them, and gulp so much worse, did they get any?

If you know the answer to the questions above and would like to get them off your chest do drop me a line here at the www.blog.thecatsdiary.com we won't judge you, too much, and all of us here at my blog and my www - wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com are a hell of a lot less righteous and less pompous than the people at Wikileaks.


About the Author



The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

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Friday, August 19, 2011

Bet This Shop Is Owned By A Man!

Here's another snap from my travels - do look out for my next unputdownable book 'The Cat's Travelogue.'


Bet this shop is owned by a man! Shop Signs Can Be Such A Giveaway!

Bet This Shop Is Owned By A Man


About the Author



The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

A Special Request From Mr. John Woodcock

Hello to all of my cuddly readers. Today I have to fulfill a special request from my odd job man and occasional translator. The special request is to open up My Amazingly Readable Blog and www.wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com for him to let you all know about a film that his daughter is in.

As Jo Woodcock is not only much better looking (not difficult I hear you say if you have seen the dreadful aforementioned Mr. Woodcock) she has more talent in her left paw - opps sorry foot - than Mr. W could ever pretend to possess or even after a herculean effort - muster.



Jo at Night


So because Jo Woodcock is going to be almost as famous as me your friendly neighbourhood genius and wonderfully talented Cat, I would like to present her latest movie (err... sorry... movie poster) the movie is called 'Powder.'

Powder is a UK production and so will be out in the UK first on August 26th 2011 as you quaint humans call it. Actually its nice that a movie is premiering in the UK first for a change although it does mean that you nice folks over in the land where you spell 'colour' this way - 'color' will have to wait for the release or better still buy it as soon as you can on www.Amazon.com, thereby avoiding listening to people in the cinema eating popcorn, slurping Slurpees, and generally being annoying humans.

Actually I have had a really brilliant idea - the only question is why am I surprised?

If you haven't ordered recently a copy of my wonderful book 'Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' you could order another copy at the same time when you visit www.Amazon.com. You can get a copy of my book here of course Amazon.com but then you probably know that by now don't you.



Powder

If you're interested you can read just a little bit more (and I mean that) here Powder the Movie or if you prefer to not to use links here - http://www.sodapictures.com/cinema/177. As a bit of an occasional gossip I can give you a choice snippet of information that you won't find anywhere and that is that the 'hunk' on the poster is Jo's co-star and in real life - boyfriend. He is the very talented Liam Boyle though of course I'll leave you humans to decide upon his 'hunkiness' you all look the same to Cats and that isn't helped by the fact that you all tend to be one colour or another and not piebald, skewbald, black and white, tortoise shell and other glorious Cat colours.

If you want to see more of Jo Woodcock and discover what other productions she has acted in, then the natural place to drop by would be jowoodcock.com and again if you don't like links just type this into the old 'puter http://jowoodcock.com.

So being a wonderful Cat and general 'feline humanitarian' if that isn't too much for you to get your head around I have done my good turn for the day and made a crazed old translator very happy and rightly too he is a proud father, happily he is a proud father of someone who he can be proud of.

Mmh should I invent a new word for what I have done? Why not - I am a 'felineitarian' oh dear that doesn't sound right does it? Unless of course we all practice saying 'felineitarian' every day for a month and then decided whether 'felineitarian' is a good enough word to qualify for an entry into the wonderful and ever trustworthy dictionary that is Collins Dictionary.

Obviously 'felineitarian' could easily make it into the Webster's Dictionary or the ever dreadful 'Encarta' but then both of those dictionaries are crammed full of misspelt words that no respectable dictionary would ever consider including.




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Monday, August 15, 2011

Throwing Caution To The Wind In China

The Chinese XXXXX XXX XXXXXXXXX XXXXX XXXXX XXXXX. XXXX XXXXX XXXX
X XXXXXX, XXXXX XX XXXXXX XXX XXXXX XXX XX. XXXX XXXX, XXX XXX XX
XXX XXXXXX X XXXXX XXXXXXX XXXXX. XXXX XXXXXX XXXXXXX XX XXX XXXXXX
XXX XXXXXX XXXX. XXXXXXXXXXX XXXX XXX XXXXXXXX XX XXX XXX XXXXXXXX
XXXXXX.

XX XXXXXX XX XXXXX X XXX photograph I saw in China, XXXXXX XX XXXX XXXXXXXX XXXXXXX XXX XXXXXX
XX X XXXXXX XXXX XXX.

X XXXX XX XXX XXXXXXXX XXXXX idiots XXXXX XX XXXXXXXX XX XXXX XXXX XXXX XXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.

X XX XXXX XXX XXXXXXX XX X XXXX XXXXX XX XXX XXX XXXXXX XXXX XXXXX XX
XXX X XX XXXX XXXXXXX XXX X XXX happily they can't read English or indeed translate Chinese into English of course, just look at this picture taken in XX XXXXXX XXX X XX XX. Or do they simply use Google Translate? X XXX XXX, XXXXX X XXX!

CENSORED BY THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA



Throwing Caution China



Well dear reader as you can see China has agreed to sponsor my latest book 'The Cat's Travelogue' and in accepting their sponsorship I have agreed to allow them to review all of my blog posts and delete the chapters dedicated to my travels in China from my wonderful book.

My sponsorship arrangements do extend to other countries and tends to work like this. I sent a copy of the relevant chapters to countries which I thought might be interested in 'sponsoring' me and in exchange for a large 'consideration' I will exclude their country from my unputdownable thriller of a book.

Unfortunately this practice has been describe by some of the more outraged countries as "blackmail" but to my way of thinking blackmail is a dirty word and I prefer sponsorship.

My sponsorship deals have had a significant impact on my book though and mean that the book is growing and shrinking more than an Accordian playing the Star Wars theme, it also means that if the countries in question stop providing their generous sponsorship my wonderful forthcoming book 'The Cat's Travelogue' may well be one of very few books to actually get bigger with each imprint as my sponsors have been warned!

Having said that the word 'sponsorship' is nicer than 'blackmail' I have to say that the Bush administration truly knifed the word 'sponsorship' in the ribs at the rear didn't it, when they started to describe countries as sponsors of terrorism. Odd really that you never saw a car bomber or indeed his car emblazoned with the logos of their sponsor countries!



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Friday, August 12, 2011

I Slow Down For Monkeys Do You?

Not so long ago I was scuffing through the lanes of England doing a bit of research form my new book 'The Cat's Travelogue' which is going to be just as wonderful as my last book 'Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat's Diary' which I am happy to say is still in print and can be bought for a snip at Amazon.com or my www.thecatsdiary.com and I saw this sign.

I don't know about you I slow down for Monkeys, I hope you do too I think we all should.



Slow Down For Monkeys


About the Author



The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

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Monday, August 08, 2011

When Is A Door Not A Door?

So when is a door not a door? When it has been touched by a human I suppose!

Life can be very confusing and speaking personally as a Cat I wish that you humans wouldn't make it any more complicated than it has to be.


When Is A Door Not A Door

About the Author



The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

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Saturday, August 06, 2011

For Fox Sake Slow Down!

Here is the perfect sign. Without being rude it says exactly what needs to be said. The problem is that polite signs usually get ingnored so expect the Fox to be replaced with a four letter word beginning with 'F.'


That s Right For Fox sake Slow Down

Mind you in this instance I think that the 'Fox' on the sign could be the bushy tailed variety, still mark my words when the sign is ignored the 'F' word will appear.


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Wednesday, August 03, 2011

I Love Irony

As you may or may not know I love irony and if you have visited my www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com or read my wonderful book 'Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' described in many places as a masterpiece of feline literature then you will know that.

Some might say that I am a connoisseur of irony and when one gets the chance to see irony in real life right before ones eyes it really makes this one's day. My cuddly readers I give you some careful removers having a carefree day for a change.


Careful Removers Having A Carefree Day

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Monday, August 01, 2011

Roadside Confusion

In the UK (and don't tell the Brits but also in most of the rest of europe) the black and white sign on the left of the road in the picture below means that 'no speed limit' is in force.


However the sign painted on the road means that the speed limit is strictly 30 miles per hour!


I don't think that this clever Cat needs to make much in the way of a comment on the overbearing bureaucratic nonsense that rules in the UK!

The Sign on the left mean no speed limit in the UK the one on the floor disagrees

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