Monday, January 31, 2011

Monday Blog

Here in the western world it is Monday, in Europe it is snowy and in the middle of Europe it is frosty. It's very cold indeed and if I didn't need to go to the studio today I don't think I would risk my paw pads on the frozen ground, but I have a duty to my fans and that means that soon I will be out of the door and off to write a film script or two - I am a cat that just goes on giving aren't I?

As I am in a little bit of a hurry, again, sorry! I though that I would give you a lovely little sign, again, sorry!

Here, looking out at the cold, and really looking forward to getting into it, I can see that the trees are covered in an air frost, I would impress you dear readers and tell you that it is a 'hoar' or 'rime' frost because one of those is airborne but for the life of me I couldn't tell you which is which, not only that I think there is another 'frost' who's name I have forgotten and of course air frost could be that - darn why are Cat's so honest I could have easily said that the 'hoar' frost has covered the tress you humans wouldn't have known the difference but I 'have' to tell the truth it is a species wide problem.

Still the trees look nice here they are mainly 30 foot tall Christmas trees although further on the streets are lined with Pear, Cherry and Apple trees which oddly enough does not effect the sale of those fruit from the supermarkets. Mind you unlike the 'Proles' here I collect the fruit and bottle it, yes it is an odd hobby for a Cat but then I am not a normal Cat.

Anyway the trees do look nice and we should always remember to look after our trees because they look after us unfortunately that desire to look after trees can go to far - see the sign below.




Close the gate.jpg


About the Author



The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

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Thursday, January 27, 2011

What's This? A Sign!

Signs and indeed labels are very important they impart crucial information that help you and I lead a normal life - well that's the idea!

Sometimes things go wrong and you get 'slippery pedestrians.'




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Or very strange plants!





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And then if you are unlucky enough to be in an Arab country you can enjoy a good dose of what the locals enjoy... oh sorry I can't bring myself to type 'Salticrax' do you blame me?




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About the Author



The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I Very Rarely Return To A Subject

As the title says it isn't of ten that I revisit a subject - unless of course the over indulgent actions of a particular royal family - but that aside I had to show you all this picture from the race that I mentioned yesterday.

Another 'friend' who was at the event sent me the picture below and from it you can see just how dreadfully daft sled Dogs really are.

Just look at the chap in this picture he is looking forward to a grueling 1000 km or 620 mile race over 11 days and does he seem in awe of the prospect, of course he doesn't there is no intelligent thought going on behind his eyes what so ever except he is probably thinking 'mmh these booties are tight - I wish I was wearing blue ones!'



Total lack of Inteligence.png



You know I am so glad that I'm a Cat!









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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Facebook Is Laughable!

I thought as there had been a few stories recently about yours truly and wonderful, intelligent Cats in general I would give you humans a human story for a change.

Everyone knows Facebook.com I suppose and most people if you tie them to a chair and shine a light into their eyes for long enough would recognise Kate Middleton, the mousey young woman who is going to marry prince thingy in a couple of months and together they are going to raise the spirits of a bedraggled nation, or cost that nation a small fortune for a wedding, your choice depending upon whether you support the monarchy or are a grown up, but it has to be remembered that only one Kate Middleton is going to marry the balding prince thingy.




Facebook logo.png




So why can't Facebook, a social something or other network, realise that there may well be humans with the same name in their system - let me explain.

It may come as a shock to you and I know it will to Facebook if they ever enter the real world, but the world is full of 'Kates' - they are young and younger women who were called 'Kate' by their proud parents. Kate is a girl's name after all and incidentally means 'pure!'

The name Kate is a shortening for the longer female name of Katherine which can also be shortened further to 'Kat' which is nothing to do with us felines I have to say, the name 'Kat' has more to do with err... how can I put this more - down to earth people, ok common people.

According to WikiAnswers.com there are 200,679 Kate's or Katherine's in total in the world but quite frankly that answer could be like most answers from that website either total rubbish, copied from Wikipedia (which I believe is more or less on a par with rubbish) or completely and utterly untrue.

The 'fact' that there are so many 'Kates' in the world is something that anyone with an average IQ would agree to and frankly you can decide if you believe WikiAnswers.com or not because the numbers are not important, the most important fact about the name 'Kate' is that there are a lot of women, and of course to ensure that this Cat isn't being sexist probably some men, called 'Kate.'

So what does all that mean? Well a few things, up to 400,857 parents liked the name Kate, the name Kate is a bit common, the name Kate is nothing special really!

Usually females called Kate have a last name, and some of those will be unfortunate enough to have the last name of 'Middleton' it is also a reasonably common name.

Currently in the United Kingdom there are 20,573 people with the last name 'Middleton' where it is ranked the 269th most popular surname in the country.

In the United States of America there are nearly double the number of people with the surname of Middleton 40,708, but because there are more people in the states the surname is ranked only 771st, all of which means that as with the christian name 'Kate,' 'Middleton' is a common name and there is nothing what so ever wrong with that - is there folks?

Well let me rephrase that - there is nothing wrong with that unless you just happen to be called Kate Middleton and are on Facebook the well known and dreadfully dull way to keep in touch with people you would normally avoid but 'befriended' when they asked to avoid a confrontation of some sort where it would seem that the idiots are in charge of the controls.

Now why does that "know it all of a Cat" say that against poor defenceless but awfully profitable Facebook? Well the answer is simple to this Cat and I am sure that you humans will catch up eventually!

Recently the intellectually challenged minors at Facebook who 'control and regulate' Facebook decided to suspend the account of a 29 year old lady from Northants UK because oddly enough she was called 'Kate Middleton.' But as we have seen above the names Kate and Middleton are not uncommon and of course it is almost certain that these two names would be linked together by a pair or more of loving parents who named little Kate, Kate when she was a baby.

Little did these unsuspecting but proud parents know that 29 years later another 'Kate' an unremarkable woman with mouse-bum brown hair would be marrying a balding British prince who is second in line to a redundant throne and in turn be risking the family curse of divorce after a few years as her husband to be's Father, Uncle and Aunt all suffered from that curse, divorce must run in the family and the family and its members must be dreadfully hard to live with.

So Kate Middleton's Mum and Dad didn't think that there would be any problems calling Kate 'Kate' and when Kate Middleton joined the oh so mundane website Facebook they accepted her as yet another person that they could flog crap to through their soon-to-be launched advertising system that rivals Google.com in its pointlessness.

Unfortunately Kate Middleton who is a Healthcare Assistant has recently had her Facebook account suspended because the 'clever people' at Facebook said that she had registered on their network with a fake name - as if they would know what a fake name is, does anyone know what 'facebook' means?

So why have the dicks that are clever at Facebook victimised this particular Kate Middleton and deny her access to her library of contacts and photographs, well unfortunately the answer is all too simple some other Kate Middleton will be marrying a balding British prince and be risking divorce in a few years in April and the British and obviously Facebook are wetting themselves in anticipation and excitement indeed Facebook has moved to stop anybody impersonating that particular unfortunate Kate Middleton.

Now I am only a Cat, yes a clever one, but still a Cat and I think that before banning this Kate Middleton I would think that Facebook should have had a look at this Kate Middleton's pictures, read her bio, or even contacted her to establish that she was a real Kate Middleton before denying her access to her account if they had had the courtesy to do that they would have realised that this Kate Middleton was who she said she was.

There is of course a hint there if Facebook needed one - the real Kate Middleton doesn't have any pictures of her standing next to a balding British prince and his dreadful family in exotic locations, shooting things and doing all of the action-girl/boy stuff that you can do when you are living in sin with a rich playboy.

Not only that, the real Kate Middleton not only had a Facebook page but she also has a boyfriend all of her own - his name is 'Jonathan Ross.' Mr. Ross has a Facebook page all of his own. The irony is that Jonathan Ross is also the name of a reasonably famous British television presenter and by all rights - well Facebook's rights that is - Kate Midddleton's boyfriend Jonathan Ross should have his account suspended for impersonation as well shouldn't he?

Of course there is worse to come from the idiots at Facebook who, despite repeated attempts from the real Kate Middleton to have her account reinstated, have ignored her communication. All of which is really rather galling when you consider that Kate has pictures of her nephew on Facebook who is growing up, and all of her contacts, some of those she hasn't seen for 15 years since she was at school.

Just in case you are like Facebook - terminally confused - here are two pictures of Kates - the top one is a real Kate and guess what, so is the bottom one, she is just another Kate Middleton!




The Real Kate Middleton.png

The Real Kate Middleton




Another Kate Middleton.png

Another Kate Middleton



Of course this is just a tea cup with a storm raging in it, but if you think about it for a moment there are some really worrying issues here:

The first is that Facebook is acting as a self appointed censor on behalf of the British royal family who do a lot of dreadful things and expect far too much from an ungrateful nation, but even that bunch of ego maniacs probably wouldn't ask Facebook to do a 'King Herod' act and get rid of all of the 'other' Kate Middletons in the world just because one was about to realise a little girl's dream and become a princess.

The second issue is just plain worrying. Facebook do not allow you to communicate with them - they just ignore you and that is because they are too busy with the other five hundred and ninety nine million, nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine other users! Let's face it, no system can cope with 600 million users personally and of course Facebook don't actually care about you, all they want you to do is to click on ads just like Google.com and make them even more cash.

The Third and probably most important issue here is this - there is a move from companies such as Google.com, Apple.com and Microsoft.com, who are all entirely capable of making terrible miscalculations of judgement about the real world, to get you and I to use something called 'Cloud Computing' where you entrust these idiots with all of your computer 'stuff' and they house it in a 'cloud' on their computers to keep it safe and save you the stress of having it all on your own perfectly good computer.

The aforementioned 'stuff' of course can be anything, personal information, financial information, your treasured electronic pictures - I am sure that you are getting the idea here.

So what happens if in the future these idiots do a Facebook and say that you are an impostor and deny you access to your 'stuff' what are you going to do? Nothing is the answer, you and I are powerless against these fools so do the only thing you can and don't trust these berks in the first place and of course ignore the royal wedding in April the people involved are just a lot of expensive attention seekers who mistakenly believe that they do the UK some good - they like Facebook.com are so very wrong!



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Monday, January 24, 2011

Bow Wows In Booties

Recently a 'friend' sent me this picture of some sled Dogs taking part in the 'La Grande Odyssee' which is an 11 day Dog sled race for six Dogs and one human which takes place across the French and Swiss Alps.

The humans get to dress normally for the cold while it appears that the Dogs have to endure a fashion handicap 'bow wow booties.'

As you can can see from this picture taken high up in the French Alps at the start of the event these sled Dogs are really not very happy, now I am guessing but that might have to do with the fact that they are tied together and the back four are already complaining about the front two Dog's... err, how can I put this 'exhaust;'and of course the fact that the clown pulling at number two didn't check the dress code with the other five.



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His excuse was apparently "I'm the head Dog and I have to have blue booties to show my rank!" One observer said that she thought the Dog pulling at number two look rather pleased with himself maybe he just feels that blue is 'his' colour.






About the Author



The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

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Friday, January 21, 2011

The Cat Goes To The Mystic East And Starves!

As the title says I have been to the mystic east - they call it that because no one knows what they are doing and therefore daily life is as much a mystery to the people there as it is to the casual tourist!

Having said that I loved Japan and its exotic mystery but when it comes to food the mystery deepens and frankly I was just to confused to eat to say nothing of being afraid of the descriptions of the food.

Here are two examples of 'simple' (you would think) juice and ice cream treats available in Tokyo.



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Cool what?



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Bluebelly lovely!




Things got worst I have to say when I went to Hong Kong, Dave the Cat had wandered off which is why this menu seemed somehow ominous.



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Braised fresh Dave - No!




So what was I doing in the mystic east apart from starving of course, well I am over half way through my 'Travelogue' it is going to be my next book and will soon be out on Amazon.com, any really good bookshop, www.thecatsdiary.com and frankly hundreds of thousands of top quality stockists just like my latest masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' which will be a movie one of these days.


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Thursday, January 20, 2011

Trams of Prague

It has come to my attention that people are buying a book which was written and illustrated without any of my help by my translator John Woodcock called 'Trams of Prague' when they buy a copy of my book at Amazon.com and also at the store on my www - wickedly wonderful website here my store at www.thecatsdiary.com.

Actually I have given it a read and I have to say that it isn't bad and the illustrations are just darlin' as my adopted southern auntie says in Georgia so if you would like to have a peek at the book it's called 'Trams of Prague' for those of you are a little hard of understanding then do, you'll find it at Amazon and also on my website the addresses are above.





Trams of Prague Kindle Edition




If you have bought any of John Woodcock's books, after you have bought mine of course, do let me know because, 'Astromouse' and a 'Dino Dogs' will be out soon I believe and I could arrange for you to pre-order them and I won't charge you a cent just take a small 'consideration' from Mr Woodcock tee hee.



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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Once in 823 Years

I'm not superstitious - just super, but I found out recently that this year JULY has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays. And I thought that I aught to tell my lovely readers because this happens so rarely once every 823 years to be precise.



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In China, where they fail to make things properly but have interesting calendars, they call this occurence "The Month of the Money Bags" and it is supposed to bring you luck at the very least of loads of money, paws crossed for the latter for all of us don't you agree?



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Monday, January 17, 2011

Mad Cat Toys

Mad Cat Toys



Recently I was approached by those ever so nice and slightly deranged people at Mad Cat Toys who asked me if I would consider doing them a very, very big favour and be an ambassador for their range of eccentric and must have toys.

Well I have to say that I liked that idea, first because the name of the company is Mad Cat Toys.

Secondly because they do have some really wonderful toys on their website that I think my wonderfully cuddly readers might just like some if not all of these must have toys, to say nothing of my dotty readers who I know will empty their bank accounts buying most of the 'stuff' that Mad Cat Toys have to offer and in turn send most, if not all of it to me, which I will of course treasure always especially if it is one of these rather grand robots.




Mad cat Robot.png



And of course third or what is known here as 'lastly' I liked the idea for the simple yet useful reason that they are prepared to pay me a small fortune in hard currency if my dear beloved and cuddly readers buy any of their amazing toys after using a link from my website - yes that is your que to click here Mad Cat Toys and start melting either your plastic or someone else's!

So if you want to order a toy or toys for your favourite person, Cat, Dog or best of all ME just click here Mad Cat Toys.

Do let me know what you get if you decide to not get me one of the really cool toys, I promise I won't sulk because I am sure that some nicer reader will send me some of Mad Cat Toys toys, and of course do let me know what you think of them, if you get a Robot we could have races couldn't we!


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Friday, January 14, 2011

Cat Could Be In Contempt Of Court - Humans!!!!

Recently Boston resident Sal Esposito was called for jury service and quite rightly Sal just ignored some idiot human's flight of fancy and sadly that uncitizen like bravado has landed Sal in a little hot water and he could be in contempt of court.

So is Sal worried? "Not unduly!" He said recently when talking to us here at Cat World and why is that you may ask, well it isn't because Sal is anything but a model citizen, he is house trained, has been known to catch a Mouse or two in his time and oh yes Sal Esposito is a CAT Cats don't do 'worry' that's for humans.




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So Sal Esposito is like me, 'feline' and that means that he really isn't required to judge his peers because very few Cats find their way into courts and who in their right minds wants to waste time being a juror to judge humans? Not this Cat nor indeed Sal Esposito.

Sal Esposito's problems began when his humans Anna and Guy Esposito listed him on the last U.S. Census under "pet."

The government as usual ignored that information and called Sal up to serve on a jury and so Anna carefully filed for his disqualification of service on a jury.

That sounds reasonable doesn't it - yes of course it does! Sal is remember a "pet" and loads of 'pets' serve on jurys in the states. Unfortunately the forms the government send out that have to be filed in for cases like this list the following reasons why a prospective juror may be disqualified.

  • Too old - He wasn't even in Cat years
  • Being Ill - Nope happily Sal is fit and well
  • He was a convicted felon - Sal is an honest Cat and has never been to prison


So Anna dug deeply into her intellectual resources (which I don't think have helped her yet) and filed that Sal Esposito "cannot speak English" which is of course true, though why she didn't, email, write a letter of visit the government department concerned is anyone's guess, however it is true Sal and most other Cats, unlike this clever cat, doesn't speak English or indeed write masterpieces in the English language for that matter.

Anna couldn't have predicted the reply from the jury commissioner who obviously failed to read her disqualification form and denied the request for disqualification.

All of which means that Sal is still required to attend Suffolk Superior Court on March 23 and take part in jury selection I think I want to be there too don't you dear cuddly reader?

Apparently his humans are still trying to clear up the misunderstanding and quite frankly they don't seem to stand a chance do they? If they fail, unfortunately Sal will be making his first appearance in court.

Let's hope that they provide the proper facilities such as a litter tray, Prawns on demand and regular comfort and dozing breaks and let's all hope that the courtroom doesn't have Mice or should that read let's hope that the courtroom does have Mice tee hee.

By the way has anyone noticed how similar Sal and I look - he has a light tan smudge under his nose but in general he is what is known as a very good looking Cat and probably will be a good juror if called, happily I know a translator who is apparently the world's expert in translating from Cat to English maybe the court could fly him in on an all expenses paid junket to translate for Sal.

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Calling All E-reader Owners

The Cat would like to say a big hello to everyone who was lucky enough to get a nice shiny e-reader for Christmas and extend that very big hello to everyone who got an Apple iPad too.

Just out of interest how many iPad owners are on their second one after their first dreadfully assembled thing broke? Ok! And now how many are on their third iPad? Proving that the bloody Chinese can't 'make' anything properly! Lastly who, like me, are on their fourth iPad proving that Monkeys could make better iPads than the Chinese and that not only do I have a lot of patience but so do the people at the Apple Centre. Of course this is the worst type of indictment against having anything what so ever made in China - we have to stop this nonsense demand that your goods are made locally for good ness sake it will be more economic and eco-friendly in the long run.

What is wrong with having things made in Ohio or Barnsley or indeed Prague? Nothing! These days as wages start to go through the roof in China and the cost to the environment of shipping what tends to be 'broken' merchandise out of China makes buying things made badly in China a non-starter.

Sorry I interrupted myself there for a moment, my regular readers are used to that and know that I will always veer or occasionally lurch back to the point which is. Hello to all you good people who got an e-reader or iPad for Christmas.


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It's just a thought but if you are looking for something wonderful to read on your new e-reader, Kindle or iPad don't look any further than my wonderful best selling book you can get in all of the usual formats that will enable you to read it on any e-reader, here's a tip for ipad users - personally I would download the e-pub version of my masterpiece from my website here at my www - wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com for the simple reason that I will earn more than if you buy it through Apple who have to pay so much for dumping badly made Chinese iPads.

If it is a Kindle edition of my peerless book you are looking for then just simply click here Amazon.com or indeed 'on' this wonderful picture of me on the cover of my marvellous unputdownable book.

The Cat & Kindle.png

Oh one last thing! After you have read my wonderful book please let me know here or at the Amazon site here Amazon.com what you think of it I love hearing from new and old fans.

If you have an odd e-reader, that is err... how can I put this a little odd - no that isn't right what I mean is a cheap Chinese knock off of any of the main branded e-readers or iPads let me know if in the unlikely event that my marvellous ebook doesn't work on your new machine and I will ensure, as soon as I am able, that you have one of my ebooks in the format that best suits your machine in fact I'll have my boffins on the case as soon as I can.


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Thursday, January 13, 2011

Don't Miss This!

Ok I have bowed to pressure from my translator John Woodcock and agreed to tell all of my wonderful cuddly readers about his daughter Jo Woodcock. Jo is on TV a lot next week in the UK and America in the second season of a drama called 'Land Girls.'

'Land Girls' is about young women in the second world war who weren't allowed to fight but 'did there bit' as bravely as any other person in the war by replacing men on the land and then having what appears to have been a jolly good time at the end of a hard and long working day.

If you are interested to discover more just click here it will take you to the BBC website dedicated to the second series of 'Land Girls' BBC Land Girls Season 2 or if you are over 'there' currently loving the french check out this site for PBS KPBS Land Girls Season 2.

Normally I would ask "what is it with the Americans and the french?" here but I know that not all Americans think that the nation that help cause the two biggest wars ever and then surrendered all too quickly and waited for the English and then the Americans who were fashionably late in both wars to get rid of the hun, but as this is about my translator's lovely daughter I don't think I will!

And now for the pictures they are both of Jo the first one is of her on her own and that will help you identify her in the second - I hope!



Jo Woodcock.jpg



Jo and the Land Girls.jpg




Ok so that is enough about the translator's business here to balance things is a bit about the most wonderful Cat in the world. Err that would be me!

Oh while I think of it - January is a slow month in the retail sector and so if you would like to help out your local bookstore or indeed Amazon.com do buy my book because you won't only be helping them out you will be ensuring that I have one or two little home comforts and that surely will make you feel all warm inside won't it?


About the Author



The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

The Cat & Kindle.png

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Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Clever UK Police Strike Again

Have you ever considered just how evil Guinea Pigs really are?

The 'clever' UK Police, who are always using hi-tech cameras and surveillance looking for an 'easy collar' so that they don't have to do any hard work like 'detecting' crime, know that Guinea Pigs are not only evil but are more than capable of out witting them.



Simon.jpg



These days being an effective 'copper' or 'cop' (English Slang for a Policeman meaning someone who 'grabs' something as in teenagers "cop a feel" on a date!) is not easy - oh yes there are all sorts of gadgets and goodies at one's disposal but unfortunately as in real life if you want results you actually have to work for them, something that the UK Police are just not very good at. But then if you get a $10,000 bonus just for turning up to work where is the incentive to actually get your hands dirty and of course if you are a more senior officer then the bonus for just being at work is far greater.

So the UK Police use all manner of hi-tech goodies to do their work for them and often to embarrassing effect because in spite of the UK being the most 'monitored' country on the planet with more CCTV cameras per head of the population than any other country, criminals and in this case Guinea Pigs can still out-smart an honest work shy Copper.

How do criminals and Guinea Pigs do this? Simple criminals have learned not to look up into surveillance cameras and some Guinea Pigs are actually sometimes innocent no matter what the evidence might say.

The 'evidence' in this case was from an infra-red camera on board a Police Helicopter which costs between $4 and $8,000 per hour to keep in the air and the Police in general have far too many of them and fast patrol cars both of which have have dubious benefits for crime fighting but contribute to a lazy culture dependent upon gadgets rather than 'police work.'

'Mr Plod' - as the UK Police are often referred to because of the 'plodding' nature of their work or their IQ levels I am not sure - was flying in an horrendously expensive helicopter over a house in Bradford, West Yorkshire, England when they picked up a hotspot on the roof of a garage and assumed it was a drug den!

Picture of a 'drug den' below.



Helicopter View.jpg



Yes thinking that a suburban garage was a drug den is probably a great leap of imagination, but I suppose when it is late at night and you are bored silly pootling around in a helicopter above a city and most of the curtains at bedroom windows are closed there is little else to do but to play 'I spy a drug den' is there?

After getting a search warrant to search Simon the Guinea Pig's garage the boys in blue were the ones with the red faces because although Simon may well be growing acres of Cannabis in his tiny garage as the 'clever' police suspected the glow in the dark garage that the police helicopter picked up was simply caused by a heater that Simon's human used to keep her Guinea Pig warm.

Probably the UK Police don't know that Guinea Pigs and indeed most small animals get cold at night when the temperature ducks below freezing like some sort of lunatic limbo dancer and need to be warmed to stop them freezing and upsetting the kids in the morning.

A Police spokesperson said after the failed raid. "The majority of operations of this nature are intelligence-based and often rely upon swift action." Although the Police spokesperson failed to say who supplyied the 'intelligence' because it obviously doesn't come from the Police!




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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Bandit The Cat Saves Family From Fire

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While Bandit's family slept the brave 15 year old Cat from Lincolnshire in the UK, braved flames to raise the alarm that the kitchen was on fire and possibly saved his family's lives.

Bandit braved the flames to raised the alarm by scratching his human's face, Marie his human who then woke up her partner David and his two daughters and then with with Bandit, four other Cats, four kittens and two dogs as well as hamsters, gerbils and rabbits managed to get to safety outside as the blaze raged.

The Fire Brigade were called and promptly and efficiently as usual bravely brought the blaze under control.

Later when they learned of Bandit's bravery they said “If the Cat hadn’t woke you up, the occupants of the house would have died from toxic fumes and smoke."

Happily that is not the case and thanks to Bandit all of the 20 occupants of the house escaped unharmed.

As you can see from the picture Bandit is a shy cat who really doesn't like having his picture taken and frankly was wondering what all the fuss was about, all he wanted to do was to get down on the floor and check for Prawns - the usual reward for clever Cat's.

Animal lover Marie proudly said that "Bandit is a very intelligent Cat although I didn’t expect him to do something like that, which I am amazed by. He can actually talk. He can say things like ‘hello’ but people don’t believe me he can talk.”


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Sadly the family didn't have insurance and will have problems renovating the rented property they live in and replacing the ruined appliances in the kitchen which was badly damaged by the fire.

Happily for them and for Bandit after the brave men and women of the Lincolnshire Fire and Rescue put out the fire and they then installed smoke detectors which means that Bandit will have some help if something happens like this again.








About the Author



The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

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Friday, January 07, 2011

The Cat Takes A Close Look At Road Signs

I can imagine the conversation between the dazed drive and the traffic cop after the (hopefully) small accident that this sign created all on its own!

Traffic Cop stands looking on bemused.

Driver pointing to undamaged yellow sign: "Turning left seemed right somehow officer!"


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Ok so the next sign is not technically a road sign however before cars most highways were trails - yes I know that is a sort of tenuous introduction but I really like the Californian honesty behind this sign and so we couldn't leave it out could we?




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Thursday, January 06, 2011

Censorship

Yesterday I was highlighting just how awfully politically correct and authoritarian the UK government is with a very small example of the madness of not allowing someone to put posters up asking if anyone has seen his Cat.



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Today I see that in the US there is the same sort of politically correct nonsense going on and worse this form of political correctness seems to be firstly generated by a commercial company and secondly against one of the 19th/20th century literary geniuses and his books Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn which of course was one of the first anti-racist novels and some would say the greatest.

In the 'new' editions of both Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn which contain the offensive racial epithets "injun" and "nigger" have had the words replaced with "Indian" and "slave" respectively.

Now I have to say that the words replaced are by today's standards probably not very nice words, and here obviously I would like to apologise to all the rap artists, hip hoppers and other generally black musicians, actors and comedians who refer to themselves and each other loudly and regularly as 'nigger' but spelt with an 'a' I believe, who should stop using the word and cut it out of any recordings, live acts and the like forthwith!

Personally I think that the people who carried out this censorship have the same political views as all of the famous fascists and communists regimes of the past rolled into one - they should be ashamed of themselves for tampering and ruining a great piece of art.

All of which makes me wonder what will happen to my books in 100 years time? Which words will some little Hitler want removed from my masterpieces of feline literature, or will my book and so many more see the hot end of a bonfire before that time? Sadly when you look at the way things are going I have a feeling they will, but then I will be in illustrious company and happily not around to have to endure the world these idiots are creating.

No wonder in his Notebook in 1894 Mark Twain wrote; "If man could be crossed with the Cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the Cat."


About the Author



The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

The Cat & Kindle.png

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Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Wookie Is Missing

It is really a terrible thing to find out that your favourite, lovable best friend has gone missing, but to then discover that by displaying posters your favourite, lovable best friend on trees and lampposts if you live in the town of Bedford, England you are breaking the law and could end up with a $1750 fine is really taking the proverbial biscuit and probably the biscuit tin as well!

A gentleman called Mike Harding has recently discovered by putting up a series of A4-sized posters of his favourite, lovable best friend called Wookie, who has been missing since late November he is breaking the law and could end up with a $1750 fine.



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In fact the local Bedford borough council has in no uncertain terms warned Mike of the offence he has committed - one of 'flyposting' and told him that must remove the posters within 48 hours or face the fine.

It is just this sort of petty mindedness that illustrates the character armour of local government! Sadly as far as I can tell poor Wookie is still missing and has been since late November, of course he poor human who must have torn all of his hair out by now wasn't exactly helped by the local council was he.


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Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Washington - A Sign

Just a quick sign today because i am off to the middle of Europe, have fun!

They do say that you see 'signs' that foretell the future in the oddest of places but who would have thought that you would see this one at a junction in Washington D.C.



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I'll leave my wonderful cuddly readers to offer an interpretation! This clever Cat can't wait to hear what they make of this oddest of signs.





About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."


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Monday, January 03, 2011

Shocking!

Thanks to the very brave 'Cat Squad' we have captured for the first time evidence of an ornamental Goldfish's plan to trick curious Cats into 'investigating' a fish bowl and thereby luring them to a fate worse than the vet.

It is believed that this amazing picture was taken seconds before a goldfish named 'Charlie' swallowed poor 'Gerry the Tabby Cat' whole.



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'Gerry the Tabby Cat' is not the first brave Cat to go 'missing' at 36 Willington Avenue, Langton Green, Tunbridge Wells, Kent sadly, before 'Gerry the Tabby Cat,' 'Simon the Persian,' 'Lady the Abyssinian' and 'Lance the American Bobtail' have vanished without trace, except in the case of 'Simon the Persian' who's damp leatherette collar was discovered in a fingertip search, by the local Constabulary, under the table days after his disappearance.

Now, thanks to a full investigation by members of my 'Cat Squad' (in this case, Ginger, Fluffy and occasionally Dave the Cat) and the local Constabulary it seems that the culprit responsible for these disappearances has been identified and to prove the culprits guilt my brave lads in the 'Cat Squad' managed to take what the local Constabulary has described as profound photographic evidence.

A spokesperson for the local Constabulary said that later today 'Bubbles' a stocky Goldfish of The Goldfish Bowl, 36 Willington Avenue, Langton Green, Tunbridge Wells, Kent will be taken into custody and questioned about the disappearance of 'Gerry the Tabby Cat' and several other offences against felines and their property.

All of which makes this a proud day for the 'Cat Squad' and of course the British Police who have had a lot of bad press recently and really should be given more credit for booking motorists, supporting the Donut industry and driving at high speed late at night with their sirens blazing for little or no reason. After all it isn't their fault that criminals are getting cleverer these days and never seem to greet them with those tried and tested words, "it's a fair cop governor, you got me banged to rights alright, I'll come quietly," all of which means that the number of serious crimes solved is the lowest since policing began.





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Saturday, January 01, 2011

A Sobering Thought For The New Year

I thought that I would start the year with a sobering thought, it's healthy to occasionally face up to reality and of course to realise that you humans are not the super race you seem to believe you are!

I don't suppose that many of you super human humans know that the human brain has been shrinking for the last 20,000 years and the really bad news is that this decrease in the size of humans brains follows two million years of steady growth in the size of the human cranium.



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And don't think for a moment because you are a man or a woman or you come from somewhere that seems to breed bright very intelligent people you can escape this problem because the incredible shrinking of human brains is happening all over the world, to both sexes and every race.

Fortunately I can confidently predict that you humans have a lot of time left to be the super race that you so enjoy being but you all are obviously going to have to be careful of a another race that already gives you taller animals a run for you money - The Cat and of course this Cat in particular!

The good news is that some scientists believe that humans will never become as daft as - oh say a German Shepherd Dog.



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Indeed some scientists have recently said that the human brain may have stopped shrinking and started to get bigger, which is all very well and good for your children's children's children but doesn't say much for the humans kicking around at the moment, which I believe is err one up for Cats again.

There are some exceptions to the rule that Cats are very intelligent and as an example I give you - Dave The Cat, founding and only member of the 'Bobble-Less Hat Club' sporting his latest bobble less hat, bless him!


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If you didn't read yesterday's blog because you had accidentally locked yourself out of your house, unfortunately trapped your head in some railings or had to call out the Fire Department to help rescue a Cat from a tree you probably missed my wish that all my readers have a wonderful New Year so here it is again.




Happy New Year!



PS

First I would like to say that this is the third or fourth 'PS' in a row in my blogs recently I think, and that is in my opinion three or four 'PS's' too many but here is an important PS anyway!

The 'Bobble-Less Hat Club,' founded by someone who calls himself a friend of mine, is looking for new members and if you are interested in joining then do drop me a line at my usual and of course unique email address thecat@thecatsdiary.com or you can do the same through the contact form on my wickedly wonderful website - www.thecatsdiary.com.

Actually I wanted to say that the 'Bobble-Less Hat Club' was 'desperately' looking for new members but the founding member, chair Cat and general Dog's body (a term he still hasn't quite grasped) asked me to delete the word 'desperately' because he thought that it sounded as though the club was having problems recruiting new members!

The founding member, chair Cat and general Dog's body qualified this statement by saying that he hadn't had any trouble at all joining this excellent club when he joined!

Sometimes I worry about Dave the Cat and then other times I don't, those are the times when I decide that he is really happy being Dave the Cat and we should be pleased for him too!


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