Tuesday, November 30, 2010

What On Earth Do You Humans Have For Brains!

I am asking the question "what on earth do you humans have for brains?" because I think that you are almost all completely mad! Why well here are three (I couldn't bare to look at any more) pictures from the fashion house United Bamboo's 2011 Calendar.

Now I have nothing against using pictures of Cats for advertising we are very photogenic and almost always look good in photographs except when we are smiling of course something I cover in my wonderful best seller - you may have heard of it "Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat's Diary" which you can buy here Amazon.com or from my www - wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com but I think that the 'Marcus' or whatever his name is at the advertising department of United Bamboo, a fashion company (apparently) has really gone too far this time and I think I know what happened.

Just imagine for a moment that you are head of an advertising/marketing department and the chairman of the company wakes you up at your desk with a phone call, asks you to come up with a brilliant idea for a calendar for 2011 and you panic and answer "I know we'll dress 'Cats' up in our clothes - gosh this coffee is strong, or am I still hungover? No hang on we can't do that, dressing Cats up in our designer clothes would be daft! They're much too big, the clothes that is, I know we'll make special small ones, oh! My headaches and the double vision is terrible!"

Next thing you know the United Bamboo 2011 Calendar is unleashed on an unsuspecting populous - what have you humans done to deserve that? Beats me, you are all strange.

Anyway without further ado, or moaning from me, here are three examples from the calendar that wins the prize "Most Insulting To Cats 2011."




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The last Cat/model is called Oscar and he is a fine looking chap what a shame that he has been so badly exploited I wonder if the photographer and the other bright sparks at the loathsome United Bamboo company know that poor Oscar is blind? Or care!




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Monday, November 29, 2010

As Promised!

A little while ago I promised to let you know when the PNP or Portable North Pole was open this year so that you could use it to send enchanting 'Santa' messages to your loved ones old and young - well in PNP's case the old and young are divided into three categories.

Well true to my word the PNP or Portable North Pole is indeed open again and you can send your highly personalised messages to your loved ones free - which is not only nice it is wonderful and probably the best value you will get this Christmas.

Below is all of the details you will need cut from an email they sent me - I am a great fan and I have to say have no connection what so ever with the good people who run this excellent website, I just used it last year for the first time and it helped to get a lot of people into the Christmas spirit.



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Here is the address if you can read it properly on the picture - http://www.portablenorthpole.tv/home



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Friday, November 26, 2010

Macy's Parade - One Day

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Ok paws up I have to admit that the picture I have here has been 'doctored' and I wasn't in this year's parade - your shocked mmh maybe I should have kept my mouth shut but you know Cats cant lie - worst luck we would be so much better at big business and politics if we could.

I have to also admit that the picture wasn't 'doctored' very well - but what can you expect if you outsource things like this to India? - Not a lot is the answer! Just look at the standard of Disney and Dreamworks animation these days!

Still honesty aside for a moment one day I will really be in a Macy's Parade, I promise, and it will be soon after my movie based on my worldbeatingunputdownable book - I have added world beating bit to my usual word describing my book because someone has stolen my word 'unputdownable' shame they didn't search for a life rather than wonderful new words to steal - sorry where was I?

Oh yes my new movie - well what can I say? I am closing in on a deal which happily is based on the sales of my wonderful book of course; it almost goes without saying is available here Amazon.com and here on my 'www' "wickedly wonderful website" -  www.thecatsdiary.com happily at the moment no one has stolen my term for my website - but I suppose it is only a matter of time!

Unfortunately it is not like I am that little rat Mickey Mouse who just announces that he wants to make another comeback and gets a movie deal immediately. I have had to fight tooth and claw to even get into the movie mogul's offices - well eventually I did it through a synagogue and a Steven Spielberg disguise, of course, but that is another story! I don't want to get all Sarah Palin on you here!

So the movie of the book will come one day and you know how determined I am to be up there in lights, to say nothing of floating above your heads in a Macy's Parade on Thanksgiving - there is just one thing that I am a little worried about and that is after the parade - yes I saw Mickey 'nudging' a Smurf in a way that should only be demonstrated on dolls but that is not what I meant about being worried about what happens after the parade! I have learned to keep my back against the wall dealing with all of those movie types.

What I am worried about is that in order to take part in the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade you have to be able to float so they fill you up with Helium - fair enough! But and it is a great big one, 'but' what happens when they let the gas out? Do you make a series of loud inappropriate noises or is it just one long one? If anyone knows or has indeed had large amounts of gas in the past please can you let a worried Cat know exactly what happens - many thanks.



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Thursday, November 25, 2010

I Would Like To Wish All My Readers A Very Happy Thanksgiving

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As the title says I would like to say Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who reads my blog, visits my www - wickedly wonderful website and of course has read my unputdownable book, as well as any itinerant passers-by who haven't yet read my blog, visited my www - wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com or even bought my book at Amazon.com yet!





Happy Thanksgiving to one and all!





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PS

I have to say I am a little envious of all you good people who celebrate Thanksgiving and not only about the Turkey, Cranberries and Pumpkin Pie but also because people who celebrate Thanksgiving effectively get two Christmases!

Which is why I have decided to adopt not only Thanksgiving Day as a holiday but also the much more ambitious Russian celebration of New Year's Day, a holiday which, believe it or not, goes on for the best part of January!

All of which means that you, my lovely fans and readers, can give your favourite furry genius of an author presents on two more celebration days and I know that simple fact will mean so much to so many!

Yes I am a Cat who goes on giving aren't I?



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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

A Message From The Real Santa

As you know I like presents and I love the way that people get such enormous pleasure from giving me them so Christmas is a special time for this Cat and so don't forget to send me loads of gifts and don't worry if they are incredibly extravagant I won't get embarrassed - promise!

Still that fact aside I am also a Cat who likes to share and if you are like me and want to spread a little joy to others this Christmas - especially the people who enjoy Christmas the most then you have to use a website called the Portable North Pole or PNP where you will be able to send anyone a message from Santa - last year you needed a picture of the person you were sending the message to - on behalf of Santa obviously. Last year I sent loads of Santa's messages from PNP and everyone loved it young and old so I can vouch for it.

This year the PNP isn't open just yet but the message on their web pages suggests something very special so I would click along there if I were you here is a link you can use that will take you to a page that looks just like the picture below - enjoy this and of course Christmas as well.

For the time being you can leave your email address so that the elves can send you an email when the PNP is open.

Portable North Pole and if you don't trust links, I quite understand so here is the address for you to type in yourself - http://portablenorthpole.tv


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Oh don't forget all of you who booked a NASA Face in Space place for the 133rd space shuttle flight it will be launched on December 3, 2010. And the 134rd Space Shuttle - the one that I am booked on will be on February 27, 2011 and we will be able to view our pictures soon after each mission - how wonderful is that? How wonderful is NASA and the good folks who work there - amazing that is how wonderful the good folks are!



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The website as always is http://faceinspace.nasa.gov or you can use this link to click over there now NASA Face in Space



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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

It Was Snowing!

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Today I got up just like any other normal day, hopped out of the bedroom window and into the very tall Pine tree outside. A devastatingly dangerous maneuver which I accomplish every day with not only elegance but also bravery and most of all style.

Outside it had started to rain and the Pine needles were giving off a sort of 'Badedas' aroma which if you happen to know what 'Badedas' actually is will tell you that I paused for a little while to enjoy the Pine Freshness while I got lightly soaked, but it was worth getting wet just to breath in the aroma.

After I had wriggled and squirmed my way down the centre of the tree, in a sort of worm like 'on your belly like action' I stepped out onto the grass which was wet and really very cold, actually I think that was when I noticed that the rain was very cold and to be honest it wasn't really rain anymore it was sleet. I have always thought that sleet was nasty and insidious stuff which creeps into you fur and makes even a warm cuddly Cat feel cold.

To shelter from the sleet and try to stay warm I hopped, skipped and jumped under the cover of some beautiful white Chrysanthemums and started to - err well how can I put it? I did what I do every morning and night and sometimes at midday depending upon how the fancy takes me and my um, err 'needs.'

No! You still haven't worked out what I was doing? Humans! I was going to the toilet of course! Cats prefer an outdoor convenience whenever possible and so would you if you had to scrape around in a litter tray and although I don't like plugging my wonderful book "Getting Out Excerpts From A Cats Diary" the Cat being me of course - you can read all about litter trays in it and if the fancy takes you buy it here Amazon.com and if you don't want to feed a giant multinational you can always feed a really good looking Cat and get a copy from my www - wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com.

So I was doing my 'business' as my Mum used to call it - she didn't actually she was far to mock posh for that, but it is a great euphemism don't you think? Then the sleet turned to snow right there in front of my eyes, now wonder the rain had been so cold nature was working herself up into a frosty frenzy!

I can tell you that I very quickly did a cover up that most politicians would envy, and made a snowy dash for the Pine tree and the warmth of my bedroom.

Have I mentioned my translator John Woodcock I do quite often in my wonderful book (see above) he is not the most exceptional member of the human race and when you humans actually finish your 'race' I expect him to be very close to the back. Like most marathon runners these days he will get a medal because have you noticed any idiot who can stumble across any 'open' charity marathon after 12 or so hours still 'wins' something! Only humans could do that because everyone has to be a winner - you are all quite mad.

Oops I interrupted myself didn't I! Where was I - oh yes my translator, mmh guess what my 'gifted' translator did today, just to annoy me I think? He closed the window, yes of course it was the window I had so elegantly, stylishly and bravely leapt from only minutes before and indeed the window I use up to three times a day unless I have 'eaten something' if you know what I mean and have to use it more regularly and in a hurry.

Me? Oh you're concerned. You want to know what happened next and in particular to 'me' - you are so kind and of course the best sort of humans - my cuddly fans. I bumped my cold nose on the close icy unforgiving glass that is what happened to 'me!'

Then I sat on the very cold and extremely wet windowsill and got annoyed. When that didn't work I pawed at the window in frustration and when that failed I cried as pitifully as I could! You must know that sound it's the stock and trade of any trapped, bored or playful Cat, the "I'm stuck up a tree sound."

It's brilliant and works every time, usually a fire engine will turn up and I had great expectations for that very occurrence, passers by were stopping and pointing into the sky and 'windoward' (if that is a word).

Unfortunately, because I like a scene, the fire brigade or Hasiči as the fire brigade are called here in the Czech Republic didn't attend this Cat emergency because the idiot translator heard the very loud cries of the Cat on the windowsill - namely me of course. The noise may have broken some windows somewhere and caused nightmares in little children but in my defence I believe that the volume of the screams was merely proportional to the emergency.

The window opened (though I noticed not very wide, obviously to not let in the cold and snow hrrumph!) and I scampered in making as much noise as I could while running over the bed covers, polished desk and scatter rugs, then with a flourish to finish the polished hardwood floor. It is astonishing just how much mud one can collect on four paws and then distribute liberally around someone's home if 'one' is very annoyed.

As usual in these circumstances there were some benefits on the fringe and quite right too I say - I was given a bowl full to the brim of fresh Prawns which was nice, but I expect more this afternoon and some Tuna would help to salve my dented pride for supper and if it isn't too much trouble to ask i would be delighted if the window was left open while I am outside taking my 'constitutional' as Gladstone or Queen Victoria probably called 'it.'


There is one thing that you may be able to help me with dear reader because this question has always bugged the paws off me because I just can't seem to find the answer and you all know that I am a genius which of course makes all of this even more frustrating - who is Christmas Carol and why is she so famous at Christmas, and what on earth does she do for the other 48 weeks of the year?


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Monday, November 22, 2010

One Bail-Out Package Please!

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For a number of months now I have noticed that both companies (namely banks but also insurance companies) and nations that have spent too much are getting really rather large bail-outs and I would like to know if any of my readers know where I can get mine because I have just heard that Ireland has gone for the big one and quite frankly if they qualify then so do I?

Why should I have an enormous bail-out well I have diligently followed the examples of the frivolous banks, building societies and countries and bought things I don't need with money that I don't have and now I want the first installment of my reward.

I deserve a mind bogglingly large bail-out because it is very very difficult to spend a million Euros/Dollars or Pounds let alone getting on for a billion I can tell you and quite frankly even I have to take my hat off (if I had one) to the guys at Lehman Bros, HBOS, Bank of America, Citibank, Lloyds Bank, Greece, Spain, Portugal and of course the star spenders of them all Ireland; they have done an incredible job of spending money that they didn't ever have a hope of having and most definitely could never earn.

Personally I think that it is only fair that I should get a sizable bail-out package even though I am a just a Cat because I know that even if I haven't qualified yet I can be as reckless as the star spenders mentioned above who like any Cat or indeed other dumb animal don't know the value of what they have bought only that it must have been good because it cost so much.

What is it my Mum used to say - if you read my book you will remember I said she said "Jump" well they were the last words she said, but she also said that "fools" or were they "finance ministers know the price of everything and the value of nothing!"

Please send my bail-out to my Paypal address thecat@thecatsdiary.com. There that is simple enough even a finance minister could follow those instructions couldn't they?


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Sunday, November 21, 2010

A Cat For Christmas

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I have just had some amazing news from those good people at Amazon.com and that is that my humble book is selling like cakes straight from the oven and they are so confident that they will break all sales records with it that they are going to order more copies than usual to meet what they describes and "an enormous and rather unexpected demand."

Now correct me if I am a little wrong but does "an enormous and rather unexpected demand" sound like the opposite of a compliment to you?

Yes I thought so too - but and it is one of the biggest 'buts' I have ever used the fact that my book is selling so well is wonderful news isn't it? Are you happy for one of the cuddliest, furriest, nicest and best looking authors out there? I know I am!

Mind you there is one thing that I would like you all to know and that is that if good old Amazon.com does run out of copies of my wonderful and unputdownable book and masked men start selling the book for a small fortune in the 'used' section of Amazon.com don't panic and don't get ripped off simply click along to my www - wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com where oh lucky you, you can get either an ebook or a printed copy.



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I do hope that you enjoy my book at Christmas this year and please don't forget to tell me what you think of it once you have finished. I really do value your compliments!"



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Thursday, November 18, 2010

You May Know That I Don't Care Much For Harry Potter - But!

You may or may not know that I don't much care for Harry Potter and all things wizardly and before you say something I know that I am part of a very small minority - mmh I wonder if I can get state aid or a grant or something for being in a small minority?

My dislike is obviously based on my jealousy of Saint J K Rowling (patron saint of the book publishing industry) who singlehandedly kept book reading alive and sold more books in a month than I probably will ever sell, so you could say that I have every right to be jealous couldn't you?

I don't like Harry Potter for all sorts of reasons if you must ask. I fall asleep trying to read it and worst of all there are no laughs in it not even a bit of a smile here and there.

Still even with this aversion to HP, JK et al I have to say that I liked the picture below and that is because you can see that Harry's fans have got older and if you don't believe me read the banner at the premier of the latest installment of the HP movies

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I sincerely hope that it was a wand in his pocket har ha!

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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

It's My Birthday Today

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It is my birthday today and I just wanted to say thanks to all of my wonderful fans who have sent me cards, gifts, money and cake.

Just one thing - next year it might be better not to send cake because even if the boxes of cakes are carried by the most careful couriers in the world by the time the "Posta" lady (our muscular Czech post person) stuffs the boxes of cake into my letter box the cakes are reduced to a rather nasty dripping but colourful mess.

By the way, today here in the Czech republic it is a national holiday which is nice isn't it; fancy all of these nice people celebrating with me! Although they do seem to mention something about history and the Velvet Revolution - but I have no idea why.


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Now as you can see happily I have found out how to use html properly in this new blog writer and that means I can tell you where to get my book at Amazon.com and also to visit my WWW wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.comand provide links to them again which is handy for all isn't it?


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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Time For Some More Signs!

I like them! You like them, so you have told me and so here are one or two new signs. Now normally I like to us signs that have an animal flavour and the reason for that is that I am a Cat and the concept of showing signs involving animals that have been created by a signwriter or indeed a government official who has gently placed their brain on hold before they started to think about the sign is always a treat.

But and as usual with me as my wonderful cuddly and generous fans will atest  it is a big 'but' very occasionally it is nice to mix things up a little isn't it and so here for your delight are two signs that I have mentioned recently in my wonderful (soon to be a blockbuster and published) new book, the 'Travelogue' which of course will be available at normals stockists and bookshops soon and at both www.amazon.com and from my www -Wickedly Wonderful Website - www.thecatsdiary.com

Having said that you could say that the first sign spotted in an office building in Soeul Korea has a little to do with animals especially the ones that you humans like to keep around the home.

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There is one other thing about these sign pictures and is that I usually don't like to publish signs that make fun of other nation's translations into English if that is English isn't their first language and that is because it is cheap humour - but hey it is also usually very funny and I think these signs are funny.

 

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Monday, November 15, 2010

UK Bookmakers Are Offering Odds That Prince William Will Get Married In 2011

Yes it is true bookmakers have started to give rather short odds that one of the dreadful royal family will get married next year and as a result force a financially crippled nation to stump up an absolute fortune for the wedding - it is a tradition going back to the dawn of time almost that the ordinary people pay for the royal family's little luxuries such as weddings and this one could end up being the most expensive wedding ever.


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If the balding prince does marry it will be to his long time live in lover Kate the Hat Middleton, oddly enough bookmakers are not taking bets on just exactly the rather dreadful prince will finally go completely bald as you can see from the pictures below it is just a matter of time before he will dazzle crowds as his father and grandfather do.

This picture wasn't taken that long ago and 'pee-wuba' as some call him had a nice crop of hair styled in the boy band mop of the day.


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These days the threads are bare unfortunately - still that is what you get for shooting defenceless animals and being a royal or to put it another way a totally waste of space.



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Friday, November 12, 2010

Not So Pretty Pictures From Space

Sssh! Don't say anything and never you mind about my disguise, and yes, before you ask this false beard is ticklish but I'll tell you this not half as annoying as the false eyelashes or the padded bra - ok I have got my disguise mixed up a little but what I have to tell you is important and I've only got a minute - they're after me!

The shocking photograph which came into my possession recently was secretly given to me by a 'source' at NASA knowing that I would publish it and not worry about the consequences because I know you would like to see what the Chinese are doing right now - well ok at the beginning of last month! And frankly I am too famous to become the main course at a Beijing restaurant aren't I?

"In early October 2010, a high-pressure weather system settled over eastern China, and air pollution began to build up for nearly a week - which means that instead of flying off and poisoning the rest of the world the Chinese got a does of their own 'medicine.'

By the 9th of October, China's National Environmental Monitoring Centre declared air quality 'poor' to 'hazardous' around Beijing and in 11 eastern provinces."

Apparently visibility was reduced to 100m in some areas (not a long way in good old fashioned non-metric measurement), and at least 32 people died in traffic accidents caused by the poor visibility, many more suffered with asthma and other respiratory problems.

The Ozone Monitoring Instrument on Nasa's Aura satellite detected extremely high levels of aerosol particles (visible in the lower left of image so my contact said) and sulphur dioxide, from coal-fired power plants (lower right) on 8th of October. Apparently peak concentrations were six to eight times the norm for China, and 20 times the norm for the US.


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So as well as making very poor quality products like say oh Mac Mini's for instance and annoying famous Feline authors the Chinese are doing their best to kill us all with air pollution, just when we in the west are making things a little better bit by bit.

Nice to see that the US of A is looking clean these days (although could do better is on the school report I believe) what a shame we have to put up with the Chinese filth, their badly made products and worst of all their bellicose attitude to the rest of the world.

As of today we in the know are still waiting for China to say sorry that they are a bunch of nasty polluters and do something about this and worse we are waiting for charities like Greenpeace and the WWF to at least say something about this disgraceful and dangerous behaviour or even go out on a limb and actually criticise countries like China and of course those arch polluters in India, but they don't they, like western governments these days handle them with kid gloves and don't annoy them by doing something simple like oh I don't know - tell the truth for a change!


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Thursday, November 11, 2010

Happily I Have Been Proved Right - Again

Yes I know I am a very clever Cat who has opinions and no matter how much I am told to shut up my fat mouth I tend to ramble on and on about the things that I not only believe passionately about but as well of course I do like to also point out the stupid things that you humans do - I'm sorry I just can't help it - it is what clever Cats do, well it is what this one does!

For ages now I have been trying to 'out' idiots like Bono 'the climate clown,' and of course Al 'Gas Guzzling' Gore for the way that they jet around the world using up precious resources so that they can point and then wag fingers at ordinary folk lecturing them about how wasteful they are and how they are causing the death of the planet - all of this with no regard to the fact that the planet has seen ice ages come and go as well as hotter arid times and that long after these dreadful busybodies have moved on to earning more money on their next fad somewhere else the planet will still be spinning on its merry way until we are all turned into nothing by the sun exploding or sooner by a meteorite doing more or less the same thing but not as quickly.

"So what is it this time that has had the opinionated Cat fizzing about?" I hear you ask with a sigh, well the answer is simple and 'fizzing' has a lot to do with this subject, just as 'still' and 'sparkling' do in fact!

I am talking of course about water - not the natural stuff from rivers, rain, lakes, ponds or indeed the safer stuff that drips out of leaky taps - I am talking about the stuff that is "filtered through limestone" "gently flavoured" (of course that means sugared) "is so good for you" indeed I am talking about the stuff that is bottled, naturally carbonated (how does that happen?) and comes in glass, or so much worse plastic, bottles.


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Bottled water is something that hundreds of millions of people who don't have to drink, drink! The water from most of the developed world that comes out of a tap is perfectly drinkable and bottled water is only a necessity in countries that don't have proper drinking water treatment plants, these countries include but not exclusively the usual favourites for dysentery China, India, many of the 'stans in Asia and so on. In fact Delhi of course gave its name to one such complain the infamous 'Delhi Belly.' (Or as my spell checker insisted - 'Deli Belly which I think may be caused by eating too much Salami - but that isn't important here).

Mind you there is no bottle of water in those aforementioned countries that this Cat would drink until it had been carefully boiled, cooled and disinfected with water purifying tablets - this Cat isn't stupid and I followed very strict personal hygiene guidelines when he was researching his latest soon-to-be-released-blockbusting-book my Travelogue!

So back to the reality of the 'real' world where, as I mentioned a minute ago, and so it must be true, people drink gallons of bottled water for no reason what so ever, well except for the dumb reasons they trot out when you mention that drinking bottled water is a bit daft - you know the sort of reasons they are, they are supplied by cosmetic counter sales girls who quote Nobel Prizing winning sudo-science at you to convince you that you should buy a re-hydrating product as well as drink bottles and bottles of water a day to save your skin from ageing. Which, sad to say, water can't actually do - but that is almost beside the point.

The people who drink water in vast quantities and are dumb enough to lug enormous bottles of the stuff around every day say that their bodies need water and any other fluid just isn't as good as the "forgotten functional food' that they call water because it 're-hydrates' your body, is good for your skin, liver and just about everything else - now where have I heard that before? Oh yes, in American Cowboy films when the swindler in the covered wagon rolls into town to sell his 'patent' cure all potion.


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The honest truth is that you just simply don't need to drink gallons of water a day to stay hydrated. I bet you don't believe me when i say that you could easily drink Tea for instance instead, but don't take my word for that statement, listen to what Prof. Tom Sanders, Professor of Nutrition and Dietetics at King's College London, says on the subject of water in a recent article in The Independent Newspaper. "Tea is the most widely consumed beverage throughout the world, and there must be a reason for that. It's actually a functional food and by that I mean it hydrates the human body." And you thought only water was that magical!

So before you decide to improve the muscles of one arm any further by lugging around enormous bottles of water do take a moment to think about the alternatives - and they don't have to be drunk - Cucumber is 95% water, a jacket potato contains 70% water, an egg is 70% water and even a Chicken is 65% water.

Add all of the food that contains water that we put into our bodies everyday and it comes so close to a litre of water as to not matter much - I would say "within a whisker of a litre of water" but then 'whiskers' are a very sensitive subject to Cats and we tend never to mention them unless we have to! Oh drat I just have haven't I?

So after you have eaten all of that water bearing food there is one trick left for the body and the business of hydration and that is that the body actually produces water metabolically.

All of which means that the craze to drink water like err 'crazy' is just plain daft and if we took a sensible pill with the last noisy glug of our bottled water then we would realise that by not buying gallons of water in plastic and glass bottles we could help save the planet from not only the unbiodegradable nature of the plastic bottles and the single use of all glass bottles of water we could stop water being shipped around the world to sell in other countries and again save a lot of energy for much more important things.


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Tuesday, November 09, 2010

The Cat Drowning Bitch Julie Carter Is Jailed!

The Cat drowning bitch Julie Carter is jailed - but most agree that this blight on the face of humanity has not been jailed for long enough just 12 weeks.

After telling staff of the British charity that is set up to defend the welfare of animals the RSPCA (the royal society for the protection and care of animals) that "she couldn't afford a phone call to have the 8 Cats rescued" this demented piece of shit - sorry for some reason my **** key isn't working - killed them one a day over a week.

Julie Carter, 43, of Bicester, actually tried to drown nine animals aged between one and three years old, because her housing association had told her to remove some of her Cats, but one of them survived.



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As usual British justice was thin on the ground at this dreadful woman's trial and Julie Carter will be free to hurt animals and who knows even babies and small children in a very short time indeed. She was also banned from keeping animals for life however as a report on the British police early this week showed that some murderers and rapists who had been released from prison under their supervision had gone back to their old ways and murdered and raped - what chance have a few unimportant animals and possibly small children? The answer is none what so ever.


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Monday, November 08, 2010

Big (Gas Guzzling) Al Is Ruining The Planet

You know how much this honest Cat just adores hypocrites and swindlers like the every awful Bono the Climate Clown, the abominable prince Charles and the rest of the crazy inbred clan Windsor including the 'divorced ones' ginger and non-ginger, because they believe in that old adage "don't do what I do -= do what I say," and for some unknown reason believe that they are free to interfere with our lives and tell us what to do while holding out their hands to collect untold riches - sort of like verbal pirates.

Well I have always had my suspicions about Al Gore "fat Al" as I believe they call him in some circles and I have to say that those suspicions are being proved right by fat Al himself.

Mr finger pointer was in Gothenburg, Sweden giving a lecture on the environment and taking the opportunity to chastise the avid listeners for causing the environment to suffer so badly and of course for causing the sun to go purple, while all the time - one hour to be precise - he had left the engine of his rental car running to keep the passenger compartment nice and toasty for his return.


Big (Fuel guzzler) Al.jpg



I wonder if the great eco-warrior knows that according to Swedish law they prohibit – for environmental reasons - any car engine being left running without its driver for more than 60 seconds. If he does then maybe he would like to pay for his carbon use at one of the swindle exchanges that have sprung up - usually owned by banks who are used to creating money out of the thinnest of air.

Of course Big gas Guzzling Al's mistake was further compounded by the fact that he had asked his distinguished guests to attend the event by public transport in order to minimize CO2 emissions when he hired a car. I wonder which face he was using then?

This eco-friendly Cat believe that we are never ever going to fix the problems of the environment and indeed all of this poor old worlds problems until charlatans such as that gangster Bono, fat Al, and all of the rest are told to shut up and please, please stop jetting around the world causing untold amounts of pollution so that you can tell ordinary folk that they are responsible for the worse eco-disaster this planet has ever experienced.

What these eco-bores are talking about is just simply nonsense! Don't they know what happened to the Dinosaurs, now that was a terrible eco-disaster - one firey lump of rock the size of... well something very big did for them in a big way, but maybe Big Al and the rest of the people earning a very nice living from lecturing people on saving the planet don't wish everyone to know that it just takes one very big rock to swing left at Mars and visit our planet and then no amount of lecturing is going to save us.

Obviously between that moment - I believe they call it deep impact or something - and now it is a good idea to keep the place tidy, re-cycle and do our bit, this Cat just wishes that we would all do just that and then Big Gas Guzzling Al, Bono the Climate Clown, the abominable prince Charles and the rest of the climate swindlers could use their hot air to generate electricity instead of boring people around the world while earning fortunes and wasting resources.



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Thursday, November 04, 2010

My Mini Mac - The Saga Continues

Ok to be honest the story of my defective Mac Mini which was obviously thrown together by the Chinese with little or no regard for quality control is nearly at an end and won't probably make it into the saga stakes. The retailer obviously read my blog and of course the not as funny emails of complaint that I sent them every hour or so and guess what - my new Mac Mini arrives shortly having been despatched from the UK yesterday - how about that for service? No bad eh!

Better still the computer won't have a Czech language operating system so I will actually be able to use it and better still - almost - it was cheaper to buy the computer in the UK, mind you not as cheap as it would be if I bought exactly the same computer in the states - Apple operate on the old soviet style monetary exchange where one dollar exactly equals one pound - yeah right you commies as if!

So if what passes for quality control in China allows for my new Mac Mini to actually be used without the damn thing being defective upon arrival I will be writing my next blog from a different machine a sexy powerful little computer that like me has great looks and enormous style.



Book on Screen.png




As you can see the picture of the Mac Mini still has a picture of my wonderful book's cover and you can still buy my book from any book shop anywhere in the world but here are some alternative suggestions at Amazon.com and again as my regular readers will tell you, you can get a signed copy of my marvellous book from my www.thecatsdiary.com.

and so much more - and most of what is there you don't have to pay for which is handy these days isn't it?

Lastly not only is my birthday coming up but also someone who is nearly as famous - Jesus and as we know Christmas time is a time for gifts and extravagant acts of great kindness, yes and also Irish Republican Army attacks of shoppers in England, but we all know that the idea is to give a gift or three at Christmas and indeed birthdays my birthday is on November 17th and I would be delighted if you start to send me presents for that now and to save postage I don't mind if you put my Christmas gift/s in the same parcel.

My readers, fans and even stalkers are all so very kind - oh one thing before I forget, if you were thinking of getting me a Mac Mini for my birthday or Christmas then it might be an idea to think of something else - I always think that cash is always a wonderful gift and and instantly shows the measure of your generosity! Just don't forget to double the amount if you want to cover Christmas will you.

Mmmh! I do hope I don't sound too much like a charity or church when telling my lovely huggable readers what I want for my birthday and Christmas but it is best I think to let you know what I want because I am a much more worthy cause than either of those.

Lastly well done to the Republicans I bet that they are thanking God that the American people have such sort memories - who go you guys into the mess that you are in with their lax banking laws and avoidable wars?



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Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Goodbye Broken Mac Mini - Hello New Mini Mac!

For anyone interested my brand new day old Mac Mini is going to the place that they send useless pieces of electronics soon. You may remember that I have had a problem with it unless of course you are suffering from Alzheimer's of something.

Yesterday I spoke to Apple customer service because as you may recall the retailer unhelpfully suggested as they were busy counting my money and washing their hands of my problem. Of course I was dreading speaking to Apple customer service - let's face it the word 'service' doesn't fit nicely with the word 'customer' these days so I was dreading trying to get my point over to someone who didn't really give a damn or worse was Indian and thought that they spoke English obviously my first language is 'Cat' and my second language English but in my experience Indian customer service people's English is closer to Cat than the sort of English I and the rest of the English speaking world get by on. Not only that I have found that I get these poor souls very confused but that is just in my nature I suppose.

So imagine my surprise when I spoke to Apple customer service and the young man from Newcastle was very understanding (no wonder Apple is so successful if this is a taste of what they are like these days).

The Apple customer service chap and I discussed all of the options open to someone who can't hear themselves think above the noise of a defective hard drive, all of which this desperately intelligent Cat (in this case I was 'desperate' and 'intelligent') had tried before I decided that I had to throw in the towel. Then the Apple customer service chap listened to the drive when I put the phone on speakerphone just to demonstrate what I had put up with all afternoon and wasn't prepared to put up with for the life of the computer.

"That isn't right!"He suggested helpfully!

"I thought that." I replied.

There was one trick up his sleeve (I have always thought that you humans are lucky to have sleeves and tricks up them) he suggested an SMC start, you do this by shutting down the computer and waiting ten seconds. You have to disconnect everything except the power supply and so that makes ten seconds fly by frankly. Then you simply have to press and hold the power button for five seconds as you start the computer. For all trainee computer nerds reading this SMC stands for 'System Management Controller' and is the process that controls the fans, heat sensors and indeed start up and sometimes helps to make loud hard drives shut up a bit.

After we play the trick from his sleeve the nice Apple customer services man gave up and said that the Mini Mac should be replace obviously the hard drive was fitted so badly by the Chinese, as they raced to get another unit off the production line and out into the world and grab even more dollars, that it was never going to work properly.

I have said this before it is such a shame and a terrible waste of time, effort and the environment that we have what seems to be 'everything' knocked up badly in China and then shipped to us in the west, we have to stop it and so I am afraid to say that we have to stop buying lovely new Kitchen appliances, Indian rugs (made in China tee hee), furniture, Macs, iPhones, other computers and just about everything else before we forget how to make things in the west.

Of course you could say that I would say that because I have just arranged to have my new Mac Mini replaced - I did mention I was a clever Cat though didn't I? Tee hee!

So on to today's picture! Well it had to be a Mini Mac didn't it? And I thought as it was getting ever closer to Christmas and pocket book raiding time I would add a picture of a nice Mini Mac with a picture of the cover of my wonderful book which is waiting in warehouses around the world to be shipped to you so that over Christmas instead of cooking for the children, being nice to your spouse and feeding the Dog you can lock yourself away somewhere cosy and read what has been called a masterpiece of feline literature and not only by me, though of course I may have started the rumour!



Book on Screen.png




Your can, of course, buy my book from any book shop anywhere in the world but here are some alternative suggestions at Amazon.com and as regular readers of my blog will tell you - possibly with a sigh you can of course always get a signed copy of my marvellous book from my www.thecatsdiary.com.

and so much more - and most of what is there you don't have to pay for which is handy these days isn't it?

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Tuesday, November 02, 2010

A Blog In A Hurry

Hi all - I am in a hurry because I am just about to spend several hours using a misnamed telephone 'service.'

Yes that's right - I will be calling the the very badly named 'Apple Customer Service helpline' the reason I have to do that is yesterday I received a new Apple computer and of course it doesn't work properly. I have a history of buying Apple computers that don't work properly. My laptop arrived several years ago and died almost immediately and because it was several years ago I had, until now, forgotten just what a prick you have to be to buy Apple computers because they go wrong straight out of the box every time and when you speak to customer service they can't help.

Now I wouldn't be talking to the Apple unhelpful line but the retailer who I bought the damn machine from allowed me, online, to fill in loads of forms - print out loads of forms and a postage label and then just as I was going out of the door with the box full to the brim with a useless computer they emailed me to say that I had to talk to Apple first they could help - yeah right!

So now I am about to sit in front of a phone listening to musak and Apple ads and get annoyed which means by the time I speak to the cretin called kevin or shona I will be in a foul mood in a way I pity don't you?

I just have to keep repeating to myself - "I'm so lucky I could be saddled with a computer that runs Windows!" But as some cocky person has just said here at The Cat HQ "at least the Windows computer runs Windows."



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Monday, November 01, 2010

Frenchman Imprisoned For Sending A Joke Email

Now I have to first of all put my paw up and declare that like 99.999% of the entire population on the planet (well the cognisant ones anyway) I don't like the French over much, no that isn't true I don't like the French at all - until now that is, so what has changed my opinion? Well it was hearing of the plight of one brave and funny Frenchman that did it.

Unfortunately because of French law I can't tell you the name of this plucky Parisian because French law doesn't allow it but I can tell you his age - he is 40 years of age - and frankly that is of no importance what so ever but then that is probably why French law allows me to tell you - the law of a country always reflects the nature of the people - French law is anal, British law is snobbish and American law is expensive.

So what can I tell you about this poor cheerful chap who finds himself in chokey (a British slang word for prison derived from the Anglo-Indian Hindi word caukī which actually means a shed), mmmh I have meandered off the subject, sorry, regulars readers and fans understand this, indeed according to some of the reviews of my wonderful book "Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary" it is a "charming facet of a delightful book." happily you can get it here at Amazon.com for a very small consideration if you haven't bought it already and be delighted for yourself.

Oops there I go again anyway here is the background to this story and a demonstration of 'Frenchness' at its most 'French' if you see what I mean.

Last week Rachida Dati, the former Justice Minister in the French Government who is an MEP at the European Parliament in Strasbourg appeared on a French national radio station and confused the words "fellatio" and "inflation" – which sound similar in the rather silly French language, though of course the slip could have been 'Freudian' something that no one - until now - seems to have mentioned.

Anyway you can imagine the hue of poor Ms. Dati cheeks and the short period of embarrassment that she must have suffered, but the world didn't collapse as a result of her 'slip of the tongue' if I can use that phrase when talking about 'fellatio' and not get put into prison, but some bright (unnamed) spark decided to send Ms. Datia an email asking for a little or a lot (I am not sure exactly how much) 'inflation.'



Rachida-Dati the consequences of a joke.jpg




As you can see from the picture Rachida Dati probably rarely laughs though it is understood that she did laugh the incident off at the time but Ms. Datia obviously takes herself very seriously and was as Queen Victoria once was "not amused" when the email arrived.

Ms. Dati was so not amused that she had the police trace the sender through his IP address and then raid his home seize his computer and remand him in custody for 48 hours. It probably helps being the ex-Jusitce Minister here don't you think?

After being kept in a cell the unfortunate joker was placed on bail and ordered to appear in court on December 3rd charged with displaying contempt towards a public servant, an offence which is so serious that it is punishable with a prison sentence of up to a month and a 10,000 Euros ($14,500) fine.

Of course I will let you know what happens to the poor joker - as it happens, because this is worrying isn't it? If displaying contempt towards a public servant is a crime then we are all guilty because let's face it politicians, the police, Kings, Princes, Princesses, Queens, Presidents and so on are all public servants, to say nothing of all of the public servants and we all have at some stage called them at the very least "idiots" and that of course means we are all criminals at least in the eyes of French law, oh sh** - now look at that my * key is working now and I didn't have to type 'shit' for a change. But really the French are a bunch of w**kers aren't they especially the public servants it would seem - tee hee see you in a French jail soon!

Just so that you know the french for 'inflation' is 'l'inflation' and the french for 'fellatio' is, strictly speaking, 'fellation' but then if you were to translate 'blow job' into french it would be 'fellation' as well so I am guessing that Ms. Dati use a slang word - oh how dirty!

I could speculate what word Hugh Grant might use while parked up in a Parisian back street but I am too nice for that and when my movie comes out it will be animated and has to have a 'universal' certificate so I won't do that.



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