Friday, July 30, 2010

The Pearseed Project Son Of America's Appleseed Project

I have decided to launch the Pearseed project as an armed response to all of the looneys fundamental and otherwise in the world who seem to think that it is a really good idea to carry and worse 'use' a gun.

The Pearseed Project aims to teach every Feline to fire a bullet through a man-sized target from a distance and is a direct response to the danger posed by the Appleseed Project - where every idiot in America will learn to do the very same but and it is a very big but "the Appleseed Project aims to teach every American to fire a bullet through a man-sized target from a distance." Or that is the wish of the looney in charge Jack Dailey who lives in North Carolina.

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Honestly what is wrong with humans such as Mr Dailey, isn't the world a dangerous enough place at the moment without adding to the problem, surely here in the west we don't have to tote guns to prove how evolved we are we should leave that the the sort of humans with sheets on their heads pictured below who don't know any different and if we ignored them, stopped sending aid to their countries would get bored, have to buy food instead of guns and best of all eventually get bored and go home peacefully.

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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Sarah Ferguson And Oprah Winfrey - It's Official!

Two of the largest women in the media tie the knot.

Last week it was announced that the large but lovely Queen of the American media and tv channel owner Oprah Winfrey was going to employ the ex-duchess of somewhere small in England - the tired and emotional Sarah Ferguson in an attempt to try and straighten her life out and stop her from trying to obtain money by deception using false pretences.

This Cat's message to the big but beautiful Oprah is "stop, don't do it, she'll' drag you down with her."
Why, because the regally awful Sarah Ferguson will probably suck a Texan's toes on tv or offer the 'services' of her husband on her live chat show which the gigantic but gorgeous Oprah is granting her.

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This dreadful ginger haired Brit (pictured above while too drunk to complain about the photographer taking a candid snap or two of her about to pollute the upholstery of a nice motor) has got to be stopped and not encouraged, she really should be serving time in a jail for her latest drunken caper and not returning to her champagne lifestyle courtesy of the very well meaning Queen of tv.

Here is a picture of the happy couple recently don't they look nice? But will it last?

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Sadly this Cat is very worried for the dumpy divine Oprah, she shouldn't trust a drunken ex-duchess because just as with her last adventure into a relationship the dreadful ginger ex-duchess will let the side down and poor Oprah will be left with mop in hand to clean up the mess, just as the long suffering poor sad duke of York does even to this day - appointments to meet him and further your business interests can probably still be arranged by Sarah Ferguson for a 'consideration' of half a million big ones - well she won't start her new tv show until next year and a girl has to keep the champagne flowing and the private jets in the air doesn't she and party while making loyal employees of several years redundant with the minimum compensation.

This Cat wonders if the result of the marriage between the dreadful duchess and the Queen of tv will end in tears? The happy event below did in the most uncomfortable way for all concerned and no one at the time was predicting that, but that was only because it was before this Cat got a blog which though of course is mainly used to promote my wonderful book available here Amazon.com is also used to expose the excesses of what is known in England as the 'royal' family, 'royal' can of course mean 'significant' like 'royal' mess of course!

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Oprah do think again before you sign anything with ginger, she couldn't even tell you where she will be living next year, let alone if she will be sober, best thing you can do if you want to help the ex-duchess is to find her a flat with the rent controlled, get her a job at JC Penny selling makeup or sparkly things and see if she can make a go of things for six months until your tv network is live, if the dreadful drunk duchess can then by all means throw the dog a bone so to speak, but she should have to prove herself first shouldn't she.

Of course this Cat is available as a chat show host if the tipsy ex-duchess should be (err how can I put this) 'indisposed' and unable to host the show because she is suffering from slurred speech and double vision!



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Friday, July 23, 2010

The 350 Year Old Diary

One of the most famous diaries in the world after mine is by a chap, who to me seems a bit pompous, called Samuel Pepys and this year it is exactly 350 years since it was started.

The diary in question is Samuel Pepys' and was started on January 1st 1660 and carried on for nine years which is a bit of a long time, but it is as interesting as it is heavy and has some priceless extracts some include watching the Great Fire of London in 1666, living through the Black Death a year or two before and some about his private life.

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The private moments in Pepys diary pain a rather unpleasant picture of the workings of London's sewer system which was frankly non-existent.

Pepys moved into a new house and tells his readers what happened soon afterwards.

"Going down into my cellar I put my foot into a great heap of turds [from his neighbour's toilet]... which doth trouble me."

Pepys was not usually a man to call a "turd" a 'turd' because he was patronised heavily by king Charles II being appointed to the Navy office and rose through the ranks to become a very influencial and powerful member of the upper class, not bad for a tailor's son from Fleet Street.

One of the best bits of his diary proves that he is a real Englishman when he describes trying for the first time a drink newly arrived in England - Tea - and says that he enjoyed his "cupp" very much.

If you haven't dipped into Samuel Pepys' diary I can hardly say that this Cat blames you it's so big, but it is nice to think that diaries are so universally appreciated and that my diary will one day be 350 years old as well, I am sure that there will be a party to celebrate - I wonder what presents I will get?



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Thursday, July 22, 2010

You Know When Your Mind Goes Blank...

There should be an amusing blog here today but to be perfectly honest with you my mind has gone blank!

It must happen to you too I expect but when it does will hundreds of thousands of people (my readers and fans) be disappointed as they are bound to be when reading today's blog? Probably not, that is one of the trials and tribulations of being a superstar sometimes we prove to be human or of course in my case Feline, which though of course a state that is far a away above the human state is still disappointing.

I did hear that English astronomers had found a collection of stars so big that they even the idea of them existing was thought to be impossible. Imagine being so big that you are unimaginable! In fact it is probably because their size is so unimaginable that the astronomers have called the biggest star in the group R136a1 which underlines their total lack of imagination.

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Yes I was tempted to make a little jokette about Oprah Winfrey here if I am honest but that would be unkind, and so I will let you make up your own and then do send them to me. I do like your jokes and one day if I am really stuck for words I might even print some of them.


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Wednesday, July 21, 2010

E-books Outsell Hardbacks On Amazon.com

Apparently Amazon.com, the online retailer and owner of the Kindle e-reader, has announced that digital books have been consistently outselling hardback books for the last three months in the US.

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I would like to stress that my ebook (pictured above with me on the cover) is not the only one helping to outshine the old way of reading books there are others who are doing their bit like that nice little Dan Brown, the old geezer Leo Tolstoy and last but not least - well you know who you are!

But the big news is that because Amazon.com decided to stock my wonderful masterpiece of a book they have managed to sell enough to overfill a good sized shed or as they put it "they have sold shed loads which I think means the same thing, personally I think that you would need five or six sheds but then what do I know about storing books in sheds!

Don't forget if you want a hard paper copy of my book you can still go to Amazon.com for it or you can get an ebook, they don't really mind taking your money for either.

And if you want my wonderful book personally signed then do click here and get transported to my wickedly wonderful website or www www.thecatsdiary.com where you can get all sorts of wonderful things.

I couldn't resist sharing my wonderful picture which is on the cover of my book with you all once again so here it is.

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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

"It's Upside Down Love!"

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With the world watching and sycophantic news organisations gushing on about the concern shown by the future 'king' it appears that prince Charles and his wife Camillia were caught on camera showing what appears to be a lapse of concentration at best, and at worst a total lack of interest in the ceremony being held to bury the last of 250 British and Australian troops who had been forgotten for so long before being found in a mass grave near the First World War battlefield of Fromelles while fighting for their their country to say nothing of a distant relation of prince Charles their King!

The ceremony to reburied these unlucky soldiers was conducted yesterday with full military honours in northern France and it is obvious that prince Charles had been called away from his hobbies to represent the royal family and try to show some gratitude for what these brave souls did, indeed when prince Charles said.

“I am profoundly humbled by the outstanding bravery of these men, who fought so valiantly.”

He was sounding the right note and should thank his speech writers, but the photograph above and the magnified section below tells a different story; if you look closely you will see that Camillia is showing the Prince the record of service, so far so good, but you will also see that prince Charles appears to be picking his nose, that is presumably to cover the fact that he is whispering.

"It's upside down love!"


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What a shame that with one action and one photograph the whole pretence of caring evaporates to say nothing of the insult to the 250 souls and relatives who were trying to have their quiet moment in the sun. How can anyone be interested in following a ceremony if they have the programme of events upside down? If anyone knows do let me in on the secret.


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Monday, July 19, 2010

Bare Skin - The Pitfalls

You humans are lucky because you aren't, in the main, covered in fur. All of which means that you can do some really cool things like get a tan, impress the opposite sex with your bodies, if they are impressive and all sorts of wonderful things, on the other paw you can do some really awful things with your skin like sweat all over, pierce it in some really painful places and worst of all get Tattoos.

But there is something so much worst than a Tattoo on a human male or female and that is a misspelt one. Imagine having to live with a Tattoo that instead of claiming you are awesome suggests that you are "awsome" and worse the type face you chose to become "awsome" was very old and so when someone read your back quickly they might believe you are suggesting you are "amsome" whatever that might be?

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You would think that getting a Tattoo would be something that you would plan very, very carefully and if the Tattoo involved words then you would write them out and check the spelling very, very carefully after all if you are going to go through the pain, trouble and expense of having ink injected into your skin then you will want to make sure that people don't judge you by your Tattoo surely.

Then again if you are not so diligent you may just hope that only God judges you, like the person in the next picture, and then you will have to hope that God's spelling is as dreadful as yours and your Tattoo artist's as he will have to poor thing.

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You humans never cease to amaze this Cat and I would like to thank you all on behalf of all of the Cat's in the world for giving us such a lot to laugh at so very often - you are all awesome.



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Friday, July 16, 2010

Bing's Confusion Or Is It Mine? Either Way I Don't Need A Nanny!

Do we live in a nannist world? I think so because everything we do seems to be monitored, filtered and checked to ensure that we don't hurt ourselves physically or mentally by doing things like err living.

That is daft isn't it? We, both humans and animals are living our lives in a big and dangerous place, it is called the world, which is full of all sorts of dreadful stuff that is just waiting to bite you and worse in Iran if you are a married woman and have a bit of a slap and tickle with a man who isn't your husband you are liable to get stoned to death! But then happily the rest of the world isn't as looney as the chaps in long dresses in Tehran, no wonder Iranian women wear clothing that only shows their eyes, it is obviously for protection because Iranian and indeed Arab men are some of the randiest bunch of perverts in the world and will leap on anything unless it is clearly marked 'untouchable' as in a poor woman wearing a full body cover, though even that doesn't very well and worse I've heard even the goats in Iran are asking to wear the ḥijāb these days for protection!

But is the civilised world 'that' dangerous? Or are we both humans and Cats being saved from ourselves before we have actually put ourselves in harms way? I have to say that this clever Cat thinks so.

Why? I hear you ask, well the answer is simple. As you probably know I loathe www.Google.com and that means that for all of my search requirements, spying, snooping and or news gathering I use www.Bing.com.

Frankly Bing isn't much better than www.Google.com but at least by using Bing I stop www.Google.com snooping and spying on me by not using their services and I heartily suggest and recommend that you do the same and do it fast.

Anyway www.Bing.com is as good or as bad at what it does as Google usually, but I have noticed one or two annoying things about www.Bing.com and to date this is the most annoying thing...

Just like the search engine Microsoft copied when they wrote Bing's software Google you can't personalise your copy and so if you have an inclination or indeed a requirement to change the default search options you can only do that for one session and then they default back to what Microsoft - opps sorry we are supposed to call Bing 'Bing' because Microsoft is so unpopular - wants you to use for your own good of course!

So what does that mean exactly? Well I wanted some pictures of a lovely place in England in the county of Devon, the place is called "Saunton Sands" and as the name suggests Saunton is on the coast and has a few miles of sand.

So I typed in Saunton Sands and got this message from good old Bing and no pictures at all.

"The search for Saunton Sands devon may contain explicit adult content and has been filtered" etc.... etc... as you can see from the picture of the daft screen message. Well I know I spelt devon with a lowercase 'd' but what is offensive about any or all of the words that I used in the search? Beats the f**king, c**p out of any of the logical reasons I can think of.

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So I had to turn the filter off and risk explicit adult pictures of "Saunton Sands devon" and here is the result, obviously don't look if you are of a delicate disposition or if sand, sun and sea have a debilitating effect on you or indeed arouse you in anyway what so ever.

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Where are the naked ladies and other pervert's pleasures? The only thing that is naked is the wonderful sands at Saunton, although because it is in England it will be covered in litter I expect.

Sometimes I despair of this world and all of the idiots in it, except of course for my lovely fans and readers I love them all you are the intelligent ones, mainly because you like my Best Selling Book of course.

Oh don't forget to bully someone you know into ordering my book here Amazon.com.

Guess what I have a very few first edition copies that are signed which you can order from my very own website here www.thecatsdiary.com.

These wonderful pristine copies of my best seller are a little more expensive than the ones at Amazon.com because of the cost of postage from the sweltering Czech republic sorry about that! But on the other hand these babies are worth a small fortune I noticed the other day at a specialist bookshop, but from my website they cost a tenth of the price so get someone else's credit card now and burn some plastic.

Oh by the way, did you know that it was today, the 16th of July in 1918 that the Tzar and all of the royal family were 'dealt' with by the Russians?

Now I am not suggesting that the way they were dealt with was 'good' in any way, but I hope that the British royal family take a minute or two today to realise what happens when you rob the people all of the time and continually ask for more money because your palaces are falling down.

Oh and maybe they could send the Russian Royal Family's jewellery back to Russia. The British royal family bought a lot of the more glittery baubles on the quiet after the Tzar and his family had no further use for them not many people know that - if you are wondering what it is like to be in a dead Tzarina's Tiara - well simple just ask the British queen!

Here is a nice picture of the 'poor' British queen wearing The Russian Kokoshnik Tiara which was bought after the messy business of July 16th 1918.

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Friday, July 09, 2010

Bad Kitty Oscar the Cat Burglar

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The owners of a Cat called Oscar have reported him to the police because he has developed a bit of a bad habit.

Oscar has stolen dozens of knickers and other unusual items of clothing from his neighbour's gardens. Unfortunately where Oscar went wrong and his crime was discovered was that he obviously hadn't thought his crime through properly and arranged for a fence to buy the haul of over 70 items of mainly ladies underwear. All of which meant that as Oscar's habit grew so did the pile of washing in outside the back door of his home in Gordon Avenue, Southampton, England.

For a while it seems Oscar attempted in vain to control his larcenous underwear habit and concentrated on stealing Gardening Gloves, but as his massive collection of ladies 'frillies' demonstrates underwear was his first and only love and he soon went back to 'collecting' whatever lacy little numbers he could find, some 55 items from his colourful collection no less.

Frightened that their neighbour's might start to think that there was a pervert, at worst or a petty thief at best, lurking in their shrubbery Oscar's humans Mr. and Mrs. Weismantel decided that enough was enough and alerted the local police.

Happily Oscar wasn't taken down to the police station because as usual the police were at a loss as to what to do about this clever Cat Burglar and were unable to help, but then they aren't all that good as solving crimes.

It is clear that Oscar's run in with the law has had absolutely no effect upon his little hobby and he happily and brazenly has stepped up his campaign to 'own' all of the underwear in his neighbourhood and it is understood from a local loose mouthed Tabby that Oscar is on the look out for a couple of thongs to add to his collection of smalls and of course 'bigs' - the area is a number of pensioners who have also fallen prey to Oscar's 'indulgences.'

The Cat thinks that this hero should watch out though because it is understood that Vets have been contacted from the local Cat's Protection League - a charity and not a Mafia style crime operation - and they have stated that "though it is unusual for a Cat to bring underwear back to his or her humans it is not uncommon for Cat's to offer presents as a token of appreciation to their humans and indeed as a means of paying their way for their food and a roof over their head."

Obviously this is drivel the notion that Cats would want to reward humans for looking after them is very distasteful to this Cat and I am sure all Cats in the world who of course consider themselves to be ornamental and by their very existence allow the humans who care for them to be rewarded with the satisfaction of knowing that they are doing a difficult job extremely well.

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Saturday, July 03, 2010

Oscar Wilde and Me

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Oscar Wilde knew a thing or two about journeys and diaries and was once over heard saying.

"I never travel without my diary, one should always have something sensational to read in the train."

If Oscar was alive today I know in my paws that he would want to take my diary with him and he would have been clever enough to get it here Amazon.com though of course as a fellow author and genius he probably would have liked me to earn even more cash and order my masterpiece from my wickedly wonderful website or www www.thecatsdiary.com.

Of course I am not saying that my Diary would eclipse his - only that it is as well written.

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Friday, July 02, 2010

Trousers for Charity - Not Forgetting Shorts

After yesterday's blog about the enormous number of Summer Gifts that I have been sent and my comments about the uselessness of Trousers and Shorts from a Cat's perspective, which is frankly much reduced to a humans normally, unless of course we happen to be in a tree of on top of a kitchen cupboard.

Well you can rest assured that it wasn't me that wasted them, I have been sending bumper parcels of those Trousers and Shorts to an African charity in the hope that they would do some good to your mankind, a selfless act (I thought - because I paid the shipping) that would be very well received by people who don't have much and the sum total of that adds up to nothing.

Imagine my surprise then when the bumper parcels were returned with a very polite note saying that African charities prefer to receive only gifts of cash, because you can't by a Kalashnikov AK-47 with either Trousers or Shorts or indeed any other weapon of choice in the bush.

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Thursday, July 01, 2010

Summer Gifts Are Pouring In!

Summer gifts are pouring in at the moment, probably because it is Summer and I am a very worthy cause, just ask yourself this question if you doubt that, how many starving Africans take your money and gifts and then make to laugh? None right!

So, I would like to thank everyone who has been kind enough to send me a gift, but also offer this feline anatomical observation. Cat's as a rule use four legs to get around on and so shorts and other types of garments designed for the two legged amongst us are pretty useless, this advice should especially apply to Carol of Surrey who I think may believe that I am a cross between Terry Pratchett's "Amazing Maurice" and Dick Whittington's Pantomime Cat!

On a personal level therefore "Carol no more shorts please and that especially applies to the purple plaid ones."

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