Friday, April 30, 2010

Warm & Sticky!

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As you know I like to add a nice picture here and there when I can, I think it makes a special blog written by a very intelligent, handsome and generous Cat - no me silly - look so much nicer don't you?

So imagine my dilemma - which I can hardly spell - let alone want to suffer - when I wanted to tell you just how warm and sticky I feel today lying in the bright hot sunshine.

Now Cats don't, as a rule, sweat! It is a well known fact that unfortunately Dave the Cat has never heard of, but that is because he is completely deaf when he wears his darn hat, then again if he didn't wear that darn hat he probably wouldn't sweat would he darn Cat?

Anyway I think that I have been infected with 'Daveitis' because lying in the window today on top of the red sofa (a capital offence I heard somewhere but who cares?) I have started to develop 'clarty fur!'

What do you mean you have no idea what clarty fur is? Well clarty fur is the best way I know of to describe what has happened to the fur under my neck, and indeed under 'me' well where the bits of me that touch the red sofa that is!

My nice sleek clean fur is all matted and stuck together and that is 'clarty,' the word 'clarty' is believe it or not a West Country (probably Devonian) expression for stuff that has clotted or matted together, both mud and cream can be 'clarty' and when you lick one it tastes awful, but when you lick the other it is heavenly - promise.

Here is a warning - no not about licking cream that isn't a creamy colour, it is about the word 'clarty' please don't confuse the West Country definition with the Scottish version, the red headed idiots across the border use the word 'clarty' to describe dirt, especially if that dirt is filthy and disgusting, now just imagine licking Scottish Clarty Cream - ugh!

Mind you, the Scottish definition could be used to describe what the fur is like under Dave the Cat's hat and unfortunately under yours truly, what a shame it is that Cat's lick themselves clean, well in the main Cat's lick themselves clean, Dave the Cat says that he gave up licking himself clean for 'Lent' being a good Christian Cat that is (news to me of course), then he added that he has one small problem, he doesn't know when Lent ends and doesn't want to incur the wrath of the Almighty and lick himself prematurely.

Yes Dave the Cat is quite mad, what on earth would the Almighty and I am sure he is referring to the 'almighty' Oprah Winfrey here do to him for forgetting to wash? Apart from chat showing him to death of course!


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PS

Did anyone see that Bono's investment company lost $140 million big ones after investing in Palm the phone and unpopular gadget people now that HP has bought them, I laughed, it couldn't happen to a nice big head could it?

Still I can't say too much here at the moment and that is because I have just emailed Bono asking if he can give me $550 million (oops that typo again, why do I type two noughts after the five and it comes out like this 550 - I suppose it is just self worth kicking in!) to emancipate me from this feline slavery that I find myself uncomfortably trapped in.

Mind you the slavery has its up side, I am now writing and singing Spirituals, my rhythm seems to have improved greatly, I am wearing a lot of Gingham and considering writing a TV series about my Roots!



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Thursday, April 29, 2010

They've Sold Peanuts - Does That Mean It's Me Next?

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So they have finally done it! They've gone and sold Peanuts to a faceless media corporation, but then of course Peanuts was actually owned by one before the sale with the 'family' owning about 25% so nothing changes there. But that did start me thinking about all sorts of other things like how can I be free and have my own rights?

But before we get into my freedoms and rights come on hands up who cares if Peanuts has been sold? Personally I never liked that little guy Charlie Brown, his voice was far too high and he was cruel to most of the people and animals he encountered. Then again of course I didn't understand the humour, if indeed there was any, but of course I don't 'get' Thanksgiving and that is because I am an English Cat.

Personally I always thought that Peanuts and the other characters were rather dull and worse I think that they all look like those vomit making faces of the characters from the "Love Is" cartoon series, except for the one where "love was" drowning Charlie Brown in schmaltz or did I dream that one?

What worries me and I am sure all of the other famous comedy characters like me is this - when am I going to be sold off and to whom? I really don't think that I would like to work with those nice (I am sure) people at Iconix Brand Group Inc just look what they have done to the other 'characters' they own.

And what's more who has the right to 'own' someone else, I am I thought a free Cat, and then I looked at my contract and realised that my rights are owned by someone else and not me, making me a slave surely? That is just not good enough I should be free don't all of my wonderful fans agree?

So I have come up with a plan you will be pleased and relieved to hear to guarantee my freedom! I am going to buy the rights to myself, myself, yes you read that correctly, I am going to purchase my own rights so that I can be free to do and say what I like, and better still make the people I like such as all of my wonderful fans laugh, rather than be forced onto some TV commercial, Billboard or piece of corporate give-away crap.

Now based on my research and my own assessment of my core and creative value rounded up in a Goldman Sachs sort of a way and presented as a 25 year bond, I think that if Charlie Brown was worth $175 million, yes believe it or not $175 million then I have to be worth somewhere in the region of $550 million. Actually I was going to say $500 million but my paw slipped and frankly that is a typo I can live with.

So! I hear you ask, just how can I raise that kind of cash to emancipate myself? Well that is simple - Americans and the rest of the free world that is Britain and to some degree Norway believe in freedom for all and indeed all freedoms (unless it conflicts with their religion and or politics although it is difficult to see sometimes where the two separate) and that means that I can rely on them to help me in my struggle to emancipate myself in the same way that they are helping the Afghans to help themselves at the moment.

So if you would like help do please rush to my wickedly wonderful website www www.thecatsdiary.com use the donate button here the giveaway and you will help this Cat to be as free as you are and that is worth the price surely? As you donate you will also be able to join the Great Giveaway, although as the millions start to roll in I may well have provide much bigger prizes.

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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Did She Or Didn't She?

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Look she is only little, so why do people make such a fuss about poor Oh Eun-Sun? According to the 3ft 3inch sturdily build Korean (there is only one Korea to Koreans) she has managed to climb all of the highest peaks in the world which is quite an achievement for someone who must think that a MacDonald's counter is at the top of the world when she is dying for a Big Mac but being ignored.

So why oh why does some clever Richard or is the "clever dick" keep saying that poor little stocky Oh Eun-Sun has missed a significant peak and therefore failed to climb all of the world's highest mountains, when poor plucky petite Oh Eun-Sun is probably at home with her mountaineers socks off warming her frost bitten chilblanes and trying to recover from a diet of Yaks, milk which apparently turns your stomach into a dangling mess after as far as she was concerned running out of very tall mountain peaks to climb.

Personally I think that the clever Richard is jealous and just because poor little Oh Eun-Su might have become confused at the end of her mountain climbing odyssey and turned right instead of turning left to climb Mt Kanchenjunga, on the border of Nepal, India and China, and gone home instead, it is nothing to get too hot under the thermals about.

Lets face it, if all you have been doing since 1997 when Oh Eun-Sun, who of course is not very tall, started climbing the world's highest peaks you would get rather disorientated and may forget to climb a mountain or two wouldn't you especially if it is the last one and some one has called you on your rather outdated mobile phone to tell you that the Shin Ramyun is ready?

Actually I have to confess to getting confused when travelling recently. As I have been writing my latest blockbuster, my wonderful "Travelogue" I have accidentally taken a wrong turning or two myself, but usually I have to add, aided by Dave the Cat's dreadful directions and appalling map reading skills.

You know, I vote that we vote that poor dwarf-like Oh Eun-Sun be crowned Queen of the Mountains or whatever useless title she is after and let's brush the Mt Kanchenjunga 'incident' under the carpet shall we? After all isn't it an achievement to climb nearly all the highest mountain peaks in the world? I should say so. Between you and me I get out of breath and giddy just climbing the stairs when slipping off for a snooze on 'their' bed so I think that the precocious vertically challenged Korean climbing wonder should get the cake or whatever the prize is don't you for climbing all of the tallest mountains in the world after all who really cares?

PS

I may have got the exact height of the Korean tiny terror of the Alps wrong, there is nothing in the news to suggest that Oh Eun-Sun is as small as I imagine, except of course the word 'Korean!' And that is said with love, Koreans and other tiddlies are really rather nice and happily the Cat can look some of them in the eye without them bending which is handy.

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I think the captions says "I need to go to the loo can you turn the camera off for a minute!" But then I might be wrong!


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Thursday, April 22, 2010

I Have Been Busy Again And I Never Stop Giving!

Today was so busy and believe it or not this kindly Cat not only pitched in with distributing Cat litter over the kitchen floor I also did a whole pile of ironing.

Yes that is right me ironing if you ever did! Actually there is nothing to it really and I was quiet impressed by how flat I had ironed the pile of sheets and formed a little impression of my body as I slept a comfy pile of sheets in the ironing basket.

I have tried ironing before but fell off the ironing board when I was having a rather vigourous dream about teaching mice not to hide in walls, frankly I have never actually seen a mouse hide in any wall in our house, but it was on Tv in a documentary called Tom and Jerry and so it must be true!

There was a mixed reaction to my ironing efforts from the humans though, both sadly rather negative.

The first was "look at this pile of ironing!" so far so good I thought to my rather pleased self, "it is covered in fur!" Really some people are just not happy with any helping paw are they?

The second comment came from 'him' if you know what I mean and have read my un-put-down-able best selling book 'he' said something rather odd I thought, "that Cat has got to go!" as usual his effort was half finished like his DIY, because he failed to say where it was that I should go.

But looking on the bright side, something I always do, now I am excited, I am obviously going on some sort of trip, as a reward for my ironing I expect! Honestly I can't wait for my forthcoming adventure, can you?

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Friday, April 16, 2010

A Day Off!

Today is a day off and the sun is shining so what you may ask am I doing blogging? Now that is a good question I'm outa here.

But first I thought I would share a little bit of sunshine with you in an arty sort of way obviously to hide the graffiti and the ground level pipe that was not installed by the original mediaeval builders I bet. And no I wouldn't happen to know what it transports and wouldn't want to guess either, let's just say I am happy it doesn't leak when I walk up to the top of the hill and look out over Prague.

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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

It Is Amazing What A Little Sun Can Do!

As a clever Cat I find it is really quite incredible just what a few days of sunshine can do to the human mind.

Here in the middle of Europe people are back in shorts as I said a few blogs ago, the tops of cars are down if they are soft, and that is before the last frosts of the year have finished doing what frosts do.

But it is not only the mad central Europeans who have displayed phototropic responses, happily more and more people have obviously decided to grab a good book, namely mine and sales at places such as Amazon.com and my wickedly wonderful website or www www.thecatsdiary.com have just exploded. What excellent taste you humans have, well the ones who've bought my masterpiece of feline literature.

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It seems the sun has also had a wonderful effect on my Prize Giveaway because the donations are rolling in and someone even donated more than a dollar har ha, if you haven't had an opportunity to look closely at my Prize Giveaway why not pop along to this page on my wickedly wonderful website or www www.thecatsdiary.com here the giveaway and join in the fun.

Even Dave the Cat seems to have caught the Sun and changed his hat for a more summery one although between you and me I am a little worried about Dave the Cat and that is because he seems to be leaning the other way if you see what I mean and that is only the start of it, what about his choice of hat? The only thing you can really say is that it is "consistent" isn't it!

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Friday, April 02, 2010

Fancy Your Luck To Chance Your Arm?

Great news from Cat Central we have just launched a Prize Giveaway designed to reward my fans for either buying my book or clicking that cute little 'Donate' button which appears on a couple of pages on my wickedly wonderful website or www www.thecatsdiary.com.

By either buying my book or donating as little as a dollar (yes just a dollar although who would be that mean to a Cat?) you can win one of a number of wonderful prizes, the first 'biggee' is an iPod touch.

Yes you read that correctly this master of philanthropy is giving away an iPod touch - "Wow," yes you took the words right out of my mouth!

So what are you waiting for click over to be part of the giveaway now and join in.


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Scientists Tut Tut Can You Believe Them?

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Recently I have heard that scientists have decided, after conducting new research, that Black Tea is as good for you as Green Tea if you want to stay away from cancer even though scientific studies said that it wasn't.

I also heard that apparently Eggs are good for you, in fact scientists now call Eggs a "superfood" although until now they were labelled by them as "dangerous" if you ate more than one a week.

Scientists seem to be a little confused about food don't you think? Then there is what they have said about out planets climate, it seems the biggest danger to our planet and environment comes from climate scientists who seem to have go themselves in a right pickle and don't seem to be able to tell their posterior from their anterior or their depleted ozone layers from a slowing Gulf Stream. Silly scientists!

Now they, the scientists seem to have struck again and it turns out according to new research that a Full English Breakfast is a healthier breakfast than Muesli! Why? Because a Full English Breakfast contains such a lot of fat.

The scientific reasoning behind this new discovery is that if you eat Muesli for breakfast your body will keep telling you that it wants some fat because it didn't get any for breakfast and quite frankly it likes fat and in fact your body will whine all day until you go into a MacDonalds and fill up on grease. Where as if you eat a Full English Breakfast your body will be happy it got a bit of fat and will then contentedly keep its mouth shut for the rest of the day.

This is great news for people and Cats who like Full English Breakfasts and of course bad news for the slimmers and joggers out there! But then it seems that the slimmers and the joggers are the ones who suffer the most heart attacks any way, at least we now know why, they have been slipping into MacDonalds while they are out jogging to fill up on more fat than their bodies can take, and who can blame them, their bodies told them to do that and fitness fanatics always 'listen' to their bodies!

So I know what this clever Cat will be stealing from a plate near me soon, yes a Full English Breakfast. Until of course scientists decide that a Full English Breakfast is bad for Cats and Humans alike again or maybe this time we all should do what makes sense and eat what we like and stop listening to people who tell us such a lot of scientific nonsense.



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Thursday, April 01, 2010

April Fools Day

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In England we have a sense of humour which is rather funny but not understood completely by the rest of the world, and of course in this case I mean England and not the other bits that are tagged on to the end of England where they don't have a sense of humour (examples Billy Connolly, Bono, Gerry Adams).

Our sense of humour even extends to making one day special, well half a day actually as I will explain.

Today is that special day, April the first and on April 1st we can tell funny, tall stories until noon and anyone who believes them is an 'April Fool' but anyone who tells an April Fools joke after noon is an 'April Fool' themselves.

There is a tradition to have an April Fools day (usually on April 1st) in most countries and so you probably know what I am talking about, which makes a nice change!

Anyway I don't know if April Fools jokes in other countries extend to the 'media' as they do in England and even if they do I still wanted to share this story from the Independent with you all, not only for the nonsense article itself which I think is funny, but also for the wonderful comments that the general public have added to the article.

So here is the article!

Hadron Collider II planned for circle line

I am sure that you will enjoy it for the nonsense it is and please do have a look at the comments if you get time some are as funny as the article itself.

I won't spoil it by telling you what the article says, except to say that the mad scientists at the Cern laboratory are 'reported' saying that the 23km Tunnel which currently serves the London Underground's Circle Line could house a successor to the Large Hadron Collider and if building work started soon it would be ready by 2020, tee hee.

Few people know the origins of April Fools day and so I thought this clever Cat would shed a little light on it for you!

In the 9th Century the Church in England wanted to take control of running the country and after putting their case to one of the madder of the current Queen of England's relatives Edward 1st the Confessor both parties struck a deal to take over the administration of England and more importantly the collection of taxes.

The deal was a surprisingly good one for both parties, the Monarch for the first time had a marvellous network of administrators who administered laws and collected taxes efficiently and he didn't have to lift a finger to do anything and the Church skimmed enough of the top to build Cathedrals, and become the second richest institution in England.

The arrangement was announced on April 1st in the year 878, the news took almost 11 months to travel the length and breath of England but that time scale was nothing in comparison to the length of time it took for the ruling class to adopt the new legislation and that is because no one with any sense could believe what had happened and thought that the whole thing was some sort of terrible not funny joke.

For this reason it took years for the country to completely come to terms with the new Church administration and adopt it fully because everyone believed that the demented King wasn't serious.

So that is the reason why April 1st became known as the day to tell 'tall' stories although of course the first one wasn't either 'tall' or funny and England suffered from the Church's mis-administration, corruption and embezzlement for centuries.

Sort of reminds you of Putin's Russia doesn't it? With the Church's part being played by the oligarchs this time. Anyway England became so desperately weak and discontented that it was easily conquered in 1066 by the Normans or the French if you like and the English don't like so we call the French the Normans.

After Willy the Conk's successful invasion, some say with the help of the Church who thought that they would get a better deal from the French, the Church managed to do a deal with the new King and so continued to collect taxes for hundreds of years thereby managing to keep their fingers in the England's till for centuries.

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I hope that you have a very happy April Fools day.



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