Wednesday, March 31, 2010

It's Funny What You Find In The Kitchen

As the title of this blog says it is funny what you find in the kitchen! Obviously a lot of what I 'find' in the kitchen has never actually been lost in the first place, but then again I have to say in my defence that I am not looking for most of what I find in the kitchen, if you follow my logic.

Personally when I am looking for something in the kitchen it is almost always Prawns, and sadly you don't find them in the kitchen everyday in fact I usually find things that are inedible like vegetables or worse Cat food!

Can you imagine my surprise last night when I was having a stroll around the kitchen work surfaces looking for a lost, stray, forlorn, forgotten Prawn when I can across something truly unusual.

The something was actually a collection of somethings and all of them looked the same, and the only way to describe what they looked like was odd!

I suppose the best way to describe the pile of somethings is that they looked like a collection of inside out Strawberries with white albino skin and red seeds dotted over them.

Of course I thought that I should taste these odd looking berries and I have to report that they all tasted rather peculiar and I know that because I nibbled on each one, well I took a bite out of the first couple and then ever smaller bites out of the next few until I was definitely nibbling because disappointingly none of them tasted of Prawn.

Sadly to a Cat's taste which has been fine tuned to Prawns these ugly berries tasted ugh! Almost like Pineapple in fact and I only know what Pineapple tastes like because once in a quick raid on a table laden with hors d'œuvres I thought I had kicked a plate of Prawns to the floor and when I dived off the table to eat as many as I could before being discovered, I was faced with a collection of Pineapple and Ham as a punishment for not pushing the right plate of the table in the first place.

Once I had given up the search for Prawns or Prawn flavoured or related snacks on the kitchen work surface I thought I would find out a little more about the odd fruits that I had encountered but all I can add to the facts above is that they 'are' called Pineberries, they are desperately expensive and shouts of "who has nibbled the Pineberries" carrys all the way from the kitchen to the upstairs study where I use the internet.

Just to show you what a Pineberry looks like I did manage to find a picture before I went into hiding for a few hours to allow the 'situation' that had developed to calm down.

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Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Clever Elephants Better Watch Out!

I read today in a newspaper, yes I do that sometimes mainly on aeroplanes to look intelligent and to ensure the person next to me doesn't talk too much, that Elephants' legs work like wheels of 4x4s.

Now I am no expert, and I have to say that has never stopped me having an opinion like the everyone else from Prince Charles to... oh I don't know some other busybody, but I think that these clever Elephants had better watch out or they could be in trouble.

First they will get taxed for resembling a 4x4 and secondly they will have the environmental lobby on their tails telling them that they are choking the planet.

Personally I quite like the idea of 4x4 Elephants although they would be a nightmare to park and would definitely make the school run even more arduous, but on the plus side they would be roomy and the probably gas mileage would be good, well when I say 'good' it would probably be around 6 mpg. But hey, at least a 4x4 Elephant won't have any sticky gas pedal problems.

But and it is a big one unlike a Toyota Land Cruiser if your 4x4 Elephant sees a Mouse you had better hang on tight I think that the ride might get a little bumpy.

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Monday, March 29, 2010

Sometimes You Read Something In A Foreign Language And You Know What It Says

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Would you believe what a loyal fan sent me over the weekend? The above, yes that is right and I was impressed to say the least with our German cousins' taste! No wonder Angela Merkel has had a bit of a smile on her face recently in the depths of the Euro crisis, she must have been reading my book!

Aren't the Germans clever as well, the translation from English into German seems to have gone well and none of the meaning (as far as I can see) of what I said in my book has been lost in translation - well if the title "Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat's Diary" is anything to go by that is.

Mind you I don't think that they have got everything right if you look closely, six lines beneath the title of the book and printed in orange they describe me as an "Englische Bucher," does that mean "English Butcher?"

Mmh sounds like the Mice have been talking!

So now it is accurate to say that you can buy my wonderful book at Amazon.com or indeed at Amazon.de.

I wonder what the Germans reading my wonderful masterpiece thought about the escape tunnels, as the idea for digging them was based on a World War II film I saw called "The Great Escape?"

Actually I think I know the answer to that question and it is "oh we see now, so that is how they did it!" - But said with a German accent tee hee.



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Friday, March 26, 2010

I Am A Polite Cat - I Promise

I got a fan email the other day and after I replied wondered why I was labelled as "rude!"

The fan email I received was amazingly brief and I thought I would acknowledge that fact. Here let me show you what the correspondent said and what my reply was and let you my wonderful fans decide if I am not as polite a Cat as I though I was and therefore if I am not entirely rude that I am on the borders of being rude.

The fan wrote - "Just wanted to say hi!"

I answered - "Well thank you very much, I look forward to your next sentence with bated breath har ha."


Now I don't think that was rude do you, but then one Cat's humour is another Cat's rudeness I suppose.

The picture? Well I thought we should have something different today, they say a "change is as good as a rest" don't they! Not only that this will really annoy Dave the Cat who thought that all of the copies of this picture had been destroyed hee hee!

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So this is a picture of my friend Dave the Cat, doing his impression (or so he says) of The Cat in the Hat - impressed? I wasn't!




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Thursday, March 25, 2010

No Bodies In The Bin Today

Happily there weren't any bodies in the bins today (see yesterday's post for more gruesome details) just lots of sun shining out over Prague. Looking out of the window today you could actually see silvery traces of spider's webs trailing down to the Spruce trees (the original Christmas trees).

Spruce trees are interesting because before hops was used to add flavour to beer they used to use the young shoots of the Spruce tree and it gives a very aromatic flavour apparently - there don't say you don't learn anything while reading this Cat's blog, not that beer is of particular interest to this or other Cats I have to say which just goes to show hoe 'giving' I am just like Bono - the climate clown.

Speaking of Bono and climate clowns, I have to say sadly that when I looked out of the window today I did see a bluish grey haze which I imagine is pollution, not a good sign.

But in the defence of the cloud of pollution it was a sort of lyrical hazy blue pollution cloud and not the same as the one that sweats over London, is a sort of sulphurous yellow and is intent on giving children asthma and cutting up to nine years off the life span of the residents.

Did you see that the UK is going to be fined for the over pollution of their bit of planet, the problem is Bus and Taxi exhaust - well they got rid of the cars in London.

Don't you agree that it is a shame that no one fines India and China as well because they can teach the world a thing or two about pollution, if nothing else.

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Above is a picture of the pollution (on a good day - there are no floating dead cows/humans) at India's most sacred river, the Ganges, goodness knows what the not so sacred rivers look like or are full of!

Well this didn't turn out to be a very funny blog which is a shame I like to make my readers smile a little even if they don't laugh out loud, which by the way is never a good thing to do in public especially if you are alone because people around you will think that you are a little mad.

Tomorrow I plan to add a blog that will make you laugh and so I will not look out of the window before I write it I promise and hopefully then I won't be tempted to get on to the subject of pollution.

So tomorrow I think we should talk about fish, yes what fun, we haven't talked about fish for a long time have we?

By the way does anyone know what U2's 'Bono the Climate Clown's' real name is? I bet it is Jeff but spelt Geoff don't you? Do let me know if you know what his real name is and indeed if you like U2, not that I care of course I just like to hear from my readers.




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Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Summer Is Coming You Can Tell

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Hello all you lucky readers the sun is shining and you have another blog from me, what more could you want? Well my book well of course if you haven't got it.

Today the sun is shining very brightly and the thermometer on the outside of the Kitchen window is showing 25 degree C, yes we know it does have a problem with the truth, and so it is probably 15 degrees cooler but still that is warm in comparison to what temperatures we have had here recently - and is about 60 degrees in the more sensible Fahrenheit way of understanding temperature I believe.

So no matter whether the thermometer (a nice English word without a French spelling) is lying or not, the day is nice and demonstrates that Spring if not Summer is coming to Prague and the Czech Republic.

Another sign that the weather was getting much milder today came in a very surprising form, when we went to put the trash out there was what looked like a dead human in one of the Wheelie Bins.

This sort of thing is not common in Prague and of course it is one of the reasons we moved out of smelly London, the last time I lived there my street was machine gunned as two drug dealers chased each other in cars up it and shot the buildings up into the bargain until one took a lump of lead and crashed his car outside of my building - very grand Theft Auto I must say, but not nice to live amongst.

Now because finding a dead body in your Wheelie Bin is not an everyday occurrence in sunny Prague you can imagine our surprise when we opened the lid of the bin to deposit our rubbish.

Obviously we chose another bin to dump the trash bag in and then stood there debating what to do about the - you know what, in the - you know where!

Deciding that it would be a good idea to call the police we went back inside and so as we looked out of the window for signs of life we started to dial the number and at the same time trying to work out the translation in to Czech of "I don't know if you have already been told, or if you might consider it important but..."

Just as the number rang the Wheelie Bin lid opened and a man dressed like one of the very many people here who sort through Wheelie Bins to fill dirty carrier bags full of um, er, whatever they are looking for I suppose pull himself out and stretched wearily in the Sun.

He spent a few minutes getting the creases out of his jacket and arranging his woollie hat just so, then he reached in to the Wheelie Bin, grabbed a bottle of water (Volvic appears to be the water of choice if you are going to stay overnight in my Wheelie Bin) and then he sauntered off carrying a collection of dirty carrier bags.

"Huh!"

That is about all this clever Cat can say, although I have to say that I do feel for the ever increasing numbers of people who troll around Prague searching through Wheelie and non-Wheelie Bins, but in the main they are not victims of the recent banker's balls-ups these people make a life choice and are it would seem very happy to graze bins for a living.

For what it is worth the only ones who ever ask you for money in the street are the punk like young ones who call themselves 'Freegans" they are a curse of downtown Prague, in the summer especially, the others keep themselves to themselves and I suppose that a Wheelie Bin is better than a doorway and it probably makes a nice change on a warmish Springlike evening!





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Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Fact Is Stranger Than Humour!

Just the other day I read a heart-breaking letter in an agony column and I thought that I would share it and the pain of these poor young ladies with you!

Dear Sir

Since my 13th birthday like my sisters, I’ve become a rather odd shape. Can you help us?
Lindsay, Susan and Doreen OVALTINE.


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Poor things it must be dreadful to be that shape and this good looking Cat sends his sympathy to all three sisters, but just think of the up side you are probably all wonderful dancers and better still marvellous swimmers.


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Sunday, March 21, 2010

A No News Day

Quite often I find a subject for my blog in the news and when I say news I mean the lighter than air meringue stuff that they serve on 'news' websites where 'news' usually involves stories of several fat ladies and a Yorkshire Terrier doing something heroic, such as eating their weight in Mushroom Omelettes or something.

Then there is the stuff on sites that offer in the 'broadcasters' opinion earth shattering news, you know the sort of thing, the latest CNN travel bag has been launched and now comes with a ten year guarantee which offers you your money back if the travel bag gets damaged so long as you never use it on airlines, French HiSpeed trains and indeed anywhere where a baggage handler might get to ply his or in some very muscular cases 'her' trade.

Often the non-news, as I like to call it, extends to other topics such as the Queen of England having a new hair do or a sitting for yet another painting, they both seem to be about as regular as each other.

Then there are some news orgainsations that will go to any lengths to take old news dress it up and churn over it time and again, this is usually done with over paid and unqualified celebrity presenters I can think of one new Poodle on the block who fits the bill perfectly there can't you?

'But' and it is, as I often say a big one (and so in this case I will say it again), 'but' today the non-news is monumental the BBC News website, home of adverts for many of their up coming new programmes and mini-series, leads with a story that is entitled "Obama in final health vote push."

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Obviously the story's subject is very, very important but today isn't decision day in the Senate and so there is little or no news for the idle journalists to write who are constantly being asked to find new angles, threads and much more to justify their expensive existence and that means that any 'news' organisation covering the 'story' has little or nothing to say and so they produce this sort of nonsense.

To tell the truth (something that seems to be missing from news sites these days) I am surprised that the headline on the BBC site didn't say "Obama reminds everyone to set their alarm clocks" so that they get to work on time and are able to vote.

Surely if there were less headline non-news stories the news media would have more room for other stories that somehow get sidelined and then the real 'news' when it breaks would be important and less of a 'relief' that the story has finally died. But then what do I know I am just a Cat after all.

I am sure that you dear readers have our very own pet non-news stories and I would love to hear them.

In the meantime this clever Cat is off to hear why Africa's Elephants are keeping scientists guessing then I might do bit of crystal ball gazing and read New US-Russia nuclear deal 'soon' of course after all of that I am going to do the most constructive thing you can with the Sunday newspapers, light a fire!

Don't forget that you can get a much more interesting read here www.thecatsdiary.com for free or you can part with a bit of cash for a great read here Amazon.com



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Friday, March 19, 2010

What Do You Wish For?

Have you ever wished for something? Probably! We all have haven't we! Poor old Tiger Woods for instance probably wished that he could hide in a hole or turn back time recently, and the Queen of England has probably wished on more than one occasion that she had clever children instead of the royally challenged bunch she ended up with.

Life is like that isn't it? There is always something that you wouldn't mind or something that you rather wish you had and of course it doesn't always have to be hard cash, although the heavy chink of that in your pocket does make life a lot easier doesn't it!

Recently I was looking out of the window at a few small birds hopping in and out and up and down the large Christmas tree that stands in the garden close to the house and thinking that it must be dreadful to be that small!

We all know that small things are nervous in the main and these birds, I'll call them 'Yellow Buntings' (I have no idea what they are really but it adds some realism to the blog and they were 'yellow'), were hopping around minding their own business and in the twitch of an eye taking to the air for no real reason, unless it was the sound of me banging my head on the window pane trying to get to know the little blighters better.

Now I have to say that I don't really want to climb the Christmas tree outside so that isn't the wish that came into my head while watching these little yellow hoppers, the thought that struck me as a wish was that I wished that I could fly and then I could catch birds on the wing as they say, it would make bird catching a lot easier and even up the odds a little.

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Wouldn't it be great to be like the Bald Eagle in these pictures I found on the internet? I thought so and decided to share them with my wonderful fans.

Actually they made me revise my wish a little of course. Now I wish I could fly like a Jumbo Jet, why I hear you ask?

Well the Bald Eagle is catching a Starling in mid air and it can do that because it is big and so it is handy to be a Bald Eagle, but then again if a Jumbo Jet was flying passed while the Bald Eagle was proving just how clever and tough it was who do you think would win in a mid air collision, yes I thought so too!

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They don't call this best selling author 'clever' for no reason do they?

By the way I have to ask. Has anyone wished that they owned a copy of my wonderful book? If you have then the good news is that you can of course get it safely here Amazon.com and when your wish comes true and you have my masterpiece you'll wish that I would hurry up and finish the next book which I have to say is a corker and will be available in good bookshops and of course Amazon.com one fine day soon.



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Thursday, March 18, 2010

For Me!

Do you know what my favourite words are?

Well lucky you my wonderful fans there is a clue in the title of this little blogette. Yes that is right I love to say "for me!" As you will note the 'for me' in question comes with an exclamation mark of joy and not a question mark, and that is because if someone feels like giving something then I am sure it has to be for me!

It is desperately sad that I actually haven't heard those words 'for me!' enough recently and so I have decided that I need a treat or several dozen treats and that means that you dear readers have a responsibility to think of something wonderful you can give me and then let me know as soon as possible when I can have it.

This good looking Cat deserves it you know that, just think of the millions of people in the world who have had their days or if they are slow readers their year brightened by reading my amazingly funny book Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat's Diary available here of course Amazon.com.

And for that fact alone I am worth a present or two don't you think to say nothing of the fact that I am simply perfect and a star among stars.

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Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Nothing Stranger Than The Truth

In the north of England, or to be more precise, Yorkshire, where men are men, women are women and neither wallets nor purses are opened with any pleasure there is a saying and it sort of goes like this.

"There's nowt stranger than the truth" which means that there is nothing stranger than the truth which I imagine is true, but then the people of Yorkshire also say "Owt for nowt" as in "ye don't git owt for nowt! which let's face it, even to English, English speakers, is a saying that is a bit of a puzzle, let alone to the ears of the late adopters of the English language, like say Australians and Americans!

What this all means is that the world is an odd place and the things that go on in it are odd, as I am sure you will agree are the people who inhabit this odd world, which I think leads me nicely to what has happened to me recently.

As you know I have been complaining about the increasingly large amounts of junk emails that I have been getting which offer a range of things, none of which I personally either want or need. Well recently I have received a lot of emails from what according to the 'cc' email addresses was a ring of men.

The emails were chatty and on the surface innocent, but of course because I had no idea what they were about or who the people were that were sending them I was at a loss to explain why these seemingly harmless emails were being sent to me, so I sort of ignored them.

However ignoring the emails didn't work and they piled up, can you imagine what it is like for a good looking cat, best selling author and all round star like me? The amount of emails and post I get is cumbersome to say the least and worse I like to reply to all of the mail if I can, especially the post with presents or cash in it and of course the wonderful letters praising my best selling book Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat's Diary which continues to sell well on Amazon.com it would be ungrateful not to do that wouldn't it and completely unlike me I like the cash, presents and praise.

So as ignoring these harmless emails didn't seem to be working and the men writing them seemed to think that they knew me I decided to write to one of the gentlemen and ask why he was writing to me, what he and the others in the ring wanted and so on and so forth.

The chap replied that we/they were in a Bible study group that met every Saturday lunchtime (I have a feeling in a bar, but then that is just me) and that the only problem I had was that I simply didn't know all of the guys in the group. Now that was quite worrying, I wondered if this chap had been enjoying just a little too much of the 'rapture' recently if you know what I mean.

I replied several times that I didn't know him or indeed anyone in the group and as for the Bible, I couldn't even lift it, let alone study it! To which some of the group replied that they would see me on Saturday and others sent their apologise that they wouldn't be coming on Saturday and hoped to seem me on the following one.

Now I know that religion blinds people to the truth, but this is taking that to the extreme isn't it? You humans are odd you know and that is why there is a saying in Yorkshire that "there's nowt stranger than the folk!" I suppose.

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Tuesday, March 16, 2010

A Quick Update!

I thought that you might like to have a quick update and discover just how many Caribbean well deserved breaks I have been offered, none is the sorry answer and frankly I am disappointed I expected more of my lovely fans.

Worse the light rain has turned to sleet outside and that seems to be getting heavier and that means snow, just what the doctor didn't order I can tell you.

So come on my rich and wonderful fans or even my wonderfully rich fans don't be shy make me an offer I can't refuse and help me to recover from this terribly long winter under a shady palm tree on a white sandy beach.

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It Stopped Snowing Here

Did you notice that it stopped snowing on my website and my blog? Hope so it was nice while it lasted but frankly I think that you my lovely fans probably got a little bored with it didn't you?

If you did get bored with the snow then you will probably sympathise with my plight here in the heart of Europe, it had been snowing since just before Christmas and then it stopped after two months when it was impossible for yours truly to even attempt to peer over the top of the stuff.

When it stopped I thought to myself thank goodness for that what a relief and all of the things that you think to yourself in that sort of situation, but guess what? It started again, then it thawed and then it started again and in between since Christmas we have had probably two days free from snow and that frankly is just too much to bear.

So I have decided that I would like one of my rich fans to invite me to a warm sunny (preferably Caribbean) place for a bit of a holiday I think I deserve it.

Do let me know what you can offer and I will in turn inform the lucky fan when I want them to book the travel.

In the meantime have a great Spring, it has started hasn't it?