Monday, November 30, 2009

Cat World - The Latest News!

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After 6 hours of talks today with our financial advisers we are now able to tell the world what they have suggested. The first suggestion is one that we have adopted immediately and that is that we advise all of our investors not to panic and remain calm or at least try to get control of themselves.

The advisers went on to suggest that there happily is a very simple resolution to this very minor hiatus in the liquidity of Cat World which is due in part to the enormous record beating amounts of money that we borrowed to launch Cat World, to say nothing of the rate at which we spent that money, happily all of these little setbacks can be resolved by borrowing even more money and that is exactly what we intend to do starting today.

With this sagely advice in mind we have launched the CW2F or Cat World 2 Fund which offers investors the opportunity to invest truly Madoffian amounts of cash secured against a 9th rights and share issue and our solemn promise that all investors will receive either their money back plus interest or a piece of some of the most exciting island and coastal real estate in the middle of the east, a place where they can retire in the sun and sand and watch the lagoon waters rising as global warming really begins to bite. Uh-ok!

Privately my advisers whispered to me - run Cat, RUN, as fast as you can!
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Sunday, November 29, 2009

Something For The Little Man

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As with all financial disasters, it is always the little man in the street who suffers most; and we here at Cat World don't want that to happen this time! Not that we are suggesting that Cat World is in a disastrous financial state and facing almost immediate ruin, oh no we aren't suggesting that at all!

But this time we are going to make sure that the little man is as safe as one of the houses, shops or office blocks that we have developed on our manmade lagoon islands. And how are you going to do that I hear you ask quite rightly?

Well for all small investors under 4ft 6ins tall we are going to offset the value of your risk according to your height then assemble all of these risks into several thousand Premium Financial Instruments and then once they are assembled we will roll them into a 'Vertically Challenged Bond' or VCB.

We will then offer our VCB bonds to a very select and exclusive group of investors through our Merchant Bankers. This group of very wealthy and exclusive individuals is known as the 'Anyone Group' and our Merchant Bankers have guaranteed that Anyone will be able to invest in our VCB bonds, and, furthermore they have also pledged that all taxpayers will be able to invest in this premium financial product the VCB bond twice allowing enormous rewards for us Cat World and the directors of our Merchant Bank.


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Saturday, November 28, 2009

Cat World Debt Fears!

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My dear friends and investors, I would like to take a moment to talk about some articles in the gutter press, such as The Financial Times, the Wall Street Journal and of course the BBC damn their keyboards, that report some 'problems' that we here are having at Cat World.

What can I say except - financial problems? What financial problems? There is talk I believe that after borrowing several hundred billion dollars from friends, relatives and complete strangers and spending it in a wise fashion, very quickly, that we can't meet the repayments.

Nothing, I have to say is further from the truth we can meet the repayments on these world record loans, we just want to wait a few years to do that, then at a time when the dollar, which it is true we have helped to cripple, is worth as much as the chocolate filled tinfoil coins on a Christmas tree we'll make some repayments.

Our advisers, ex board members of the Bank of Credit and Commerce, have assured us that this is not only perfectly legal but something which is done everyday in the banking world.

So my fellow board members of Cat World the wonderful entertainment, holiday destination, business centre and housing complex and I want to squash all of these dreadful rumours before they get out of hand and do something terrible, like say adversely affect the world's stock exchanges, we would like to do that but unfortunately we are off on holiday and will get back to you later.
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Friday, November 27, 2009

It Just Occurred Me!

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You know something really sad just occurred to me and that is that some poor souls out there in humanland might just not know what a Prawn is!

Or worse they might have for all of their lives miss out on the beauty, elegance and crunchiness of Prawns, which are for those of you who don't know less crunchy when they are shelled.

In fact I have to say that I really only recommend eating Prawns when they are shelled, but if an unshelled prawns slips out of a human's hand and then slithers across the floor at you what do you do, you crunch don't you obviously.

In America the land of the big, they call Prawns Shrimp, I don't really know why but I do know that Shrimp are, how can I put this err - 'built.' They are an enormous dream come true, well for this Cat at least!

So I hope that I have cleared up any confusion and that everyone, because that is the number of people who read my blog, knows what a Prawn is, but remember one Prawn is all very well but they are better when they come by the gross then they are 144 little packages of pink delight.



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Fat Cats Are Not All Bankers

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It is true! Not all fat Cats are Bankers, according to those nice people at Purina a third of all pets in the UK are overweight,* so if that is the case what about the numbers in the states? It doesn't bear thinking about does it?

So what are we going to do? I know, you could feed us Cats Prawns! Prawns are the perfect food they are full of energy, protein and not at all fattening. And of course some vegetarians eat Prawns, you know the ones I mean who don't understand the word 'vegetarian.'

Still I would happily live just on a diet of Prawns. So if you want to send me buckets or lorry loads I will happily munch my way to fitness.


Editors note:
As you will know from his book "Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat's Diary," available here Amazon.com,The Cat is sadly addicted to Prawns and although he is allowed them once in a while as a treat to send lorry loads to him as he suggested would be impractical, so please if you have followed his instructions and the lorries are on their way to The Cat Headquarters do please stop them and turn them around now.

The image used in this blog is deliberately distorted to preserve anonimity of this poor flabby feline, but we know who you are chubby chops don't we!

* Source http://www.purina.co.uk





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Thursday, November 26, 2009

Oops!

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Oh I am sorry about the last blog! There does that make amends?

How was I to know that what I wrote would come true? That some nice Polly's would, err how can I put this? Make a wish come true?

No that is not very nice at all and again I have to apologise. Now that sounds like I don't want to apologise if I 'have' to and that, I promise sincerely, is not the case.

Tee hee!

Parrots are after all some of God's little creatures even if they are Gay Pigeons. Still the good news is that now at least we know who's to blame for Parrots don't we!



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I Am A TTC!

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Yes that is right I am a TTC - Truly Transatlantic Cat! And so here is a happy Thanksgiving from me to all my fans over on that side of the pond.

I sincerely wish you all well and hope that you get what you wish for!

Purrs,

The Cat



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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Just A Thought

I would like to say and so I will, that not every blog needs a picture, just like this one in fact!

Actually it makes a change not to have to carefully paw craft a picture especially for you bloggers, even though of course I love you all, well I have to you love you all you keep me in Kippers and Prawns by buying my book and generally worshipping me, but all the same it feels nice not to have to fire up Photoshop and mess around pixelatedly, which of course is a new word and a lot of trouble at the same time.

Actually I like new words don't you? Well you should, you get quite a few here don't you and of course there are loads of newly invented words in my wonderful book "Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat's Diary," which you lucky people can buy and enjoy anytime you like.



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The Glorious Cat - That's Me Of Course

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I am a soft pawed predator and rather pleased about it!

Well would you want to be prey would you, I know I wouldn't!

Big Nudes!

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Oh! I am so sorry I have made a typo in the headline - it should read Big News! But it got your attention didn't it?

So what is the big news I hear you say and some of you complain! Well first I would say to all of you hold your horses and to those of you complaining I would say have some patience and don't be so rude. I am a Cat after all and typing isn't something I am born to.

No I know neither were humans born to typing, but you ape descendants held onto the prehensile toes and fingers while us slightly more highly evolved creatures have lost them and adopted a soft paw.

I have sort of decided that it would be fun each day to see if I can come up with ideas on how to annoy and of course eventually rid the world of Parrots, they are just multicoloured vermin after all gay Pigeons that's what I call them and this mission is so very important that I am considering moving my blog onto the home page of my 'www'- wickedly, wonderful website. Treat your self and have a click no one is looking. then after you have done that do go to my my 'www'you will adore it.

You don't really need the name of my amazing website but here it is just in case - www.thecatsdiary.com.

So I am going to have a chat with my PR people and let Sebastian, Polly and Georgie have a little 'ponder' as they always call it when they are trying to catch up with another of my amazing ideas.

In the meantime I thought I would share this little idea with you on the subject of 'dealing' with Parrots. Why don't we announce that scientists have discovered obscene quantities of Peanuts on the M25? And they are free to anyone who wants a peck.

For all of my international visitors and friends the M25 is an is the worlds largest environmental experiment. It works by trapping hundreds of thousands of motorists every day by pretending that it is a motorway.

The motorists sit patiently at a standstill until ten minutes after they should have arrived at their destination and then they are released like a competitors in a race.

So if the carbon monoxide from the idling engines doesn't get the Parrots who have come for the free peanuts then the formation start will.

Perfect! That should get rid of a few of those over dressed Pigeons shouldn't it!



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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

It Is True To Say That I Hate Parrots - Does That Make Me A Bad Cat?

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Yes it is true to say that I hate Parrots - does that make me a bad Cat? I don't think so and this is why!

First as the picture evidence shows Parrots eat with their feet and that has to be an awful habit and they can't wash themselves - fancy that!

Secondly I have a suspicion that Parrots are responsible for Bird Flu, they are birds of course and I have a feeling that they really hate anyone that isn't a Parrot. Ask yourself this if you don't believe me when you last tried to give Polly a peanut what did it do - yes that's right it bit you and I bet you got told off for not only interfering with the Parrot but also for swearing, they are plotting our downfall I tell you.

And most importantly thirdly, the Parrot that I live with is just an awful feathered bully who picked on me the minute I was brought home imprisoned in a Cat basket, of course you can read all about that in my wonderful book - "Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat's Diary" which is available to all for a small fee at Amazon.com or my 'www'- wickedly, wonderful website, and all good stockists.

The Best Looking Cat!

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I like Cougars they are my most favourite animal - well after myself of course and they are pretty good looking unlike me, I have been described as handsome, cute, attractive, very striking, and yes beautiful!

The picture? Well you didn't think I would show the competition for the best looking Cat on my blog did you? Well you don't know me do you!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Never Mind Bird Flu! - I Think I Have Global Warming!

Yes that is right, all weekend I have been hot and not in my normally sexy way. I am boiling and fear that I have 'Global Warming' because I am hot everywhere.

What has happened to me I would like to know? Has someone de-forested bits of me that I can't see? Am I in a carbon rich atmosphere? Will I get drowned in rising sea water?

Oh hang on a minute it is ok I have been sleeping in a patch of sunlight all weekend, I am surprised I'm not tanned.

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Some people have accused me of being a hypercondriac and have told me that I should calm down I would like someone to tell me is being a hypercondriac dangerous? Can I get treatment for it or am I going to slip away noisily - well you wouldn't want to slip away quietly would you if you are going to slip away at all!


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Sunday, November 22, 2009

I Have Just Been Tarantino'ed

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Well at last I have just watched 'Inglourious Basterds' and what can I say. Well this, my bottom hurts. Over two hours of sitting in one place cringing at the dialogue and the dreadful Brady Boy is enough to make any cheek numb.

If you haven't don't and if you have you'll know what I mean this is rubbish at its best.

As a Cat and author I suggest that you read my wonderful book "Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary," which is available to all for a small fee at Amazon.com or my 'www'- wickedly, wonderful website, and don't waste your money going to see this pile of rubbish.

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Saturday, November 21, 2009

Great News!

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Here is some really wonderful news! I remembered that I forgot - does that sound right? Well never mind! I remembered that I forgot to tell you all about kippers when I mentioned them a while ago, but I have remembered now and found a nice picture of the tasty treats so here is the information that you have probably been waiting for!

A kipper is made from a fish called a herring. When kippers are made they use the whole herring and just split from tail to head, then they take out the nasty wobbly bits, salt it and then cold smoked it for a while in a smoke house.

Humans and Cat's in the UK and the US often eat grilled kippers for breakfast and they are sublime with butter and a poached egg or two.

Some humans and all Cats in the UK eat kippers for high tea or supper and they are beyond divine and most Cat's, like me, would kill for them, though it has to be said we rarely do!

There I hope that helps do let me know if you want any more information on kippers or indeed any other fish, I like to pride myself that I am a bit of an expert on fishy things.

Friday, November 20, 2009

At The Moment I Can Only Deny The Rumours

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I have asked my PR people to comment on my behalf on the rumours that I will be taking over from the lovely and very tired Oprah Winfrey in 2011.

As yet there has been no contact between Oprah's people and my people what so ever and we can only wonder where the rumours have come from.

Although of course I did manage to find this picture (above) in the press which obviously shows the delight of some individuals at the premature (I have to say) announcement of the 'change.'

Happily I Am Wrong

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One of the books that I am writing in my trilogy of five books to follow the blockbusting "Getting Out - Excerpts from A Cat's Diary" has a catchy working title which i plan to fight fang and claw to keep when I start to argue with the publisher and my agent and its title is "People I Really Hate."

I have a Twitter list on the subject but that was only to annoy all of the idiots who call; themselves 'Margaret Thatcher!'

Any way I discovered a new word the other day and I would like to share it with you because it is a lovely word I first thought that Poliphobe meant someone who hated parrots but rather delightely I discovered it means someone who hates everything!

Now you have to hand it to poliphobes all over the world because it must take some enormous dedication to actually hate everything, even I can't pretend to be hate everything because, and I know it is a weakness I love Prawns or Shrimp as the lovely Americans call them, oh and of course I love Americans they are so err 'cuddly.'

One last thing do you think poliphobes dislike 'me?' I can't imagine that can you? No I thought not!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Sayings A Collection

I have started to collect 'sayings' you know the type of thing "a stitch in time saves nine!" Stitches I presume.

The other day I found myself saying one - "when the shoe is on the other foot - I always fall over!" I don't know if I got it exactly right but that is the nice things about saying you can personalise them, can't you?

Saturday, November 14, 2009

It Is True A Cat Can Fly!

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Hello Everyone, guess who has been invited to an Oscar party little old me! No I couldn’t believe it either but come February 2010 me The Cat will be drinking Champagne and munching Caviar (the black stuff only please) and generally being a star.

So if you are off to the 82nd Oscars then it is just possible that we might brush fur coats but probably only mine will be real.

Here is a picture of the Oscars that I am going to win in the future.

Another Starring Role

Well the Cat is now where he thinks he should be, starring in Google Wave's preview. But then The Cat thinks that he should star in everything!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Kippers

Does anyone else like Kippers? Actually maybe I should rephrase that, does any one else know what Kippers - answers on this blog please.

Next week I am travelling all the way from Prague to Northumberland just to get some. There is a little place in Caister a lovely town on the Northumberland coast just down the road from where they filmed Harry Potter and the Legend of the Dimwits or whatever it was called.

In this little restaurant you can eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner and I intend to do just that they are so fresh and that is because they are caught off the coast, split and smoked next door - divine.

Then I will drop down to Newcastle and have some Stotties, Baked Beans and Sausages and remember my best friend who used to share his Stotties, Baked Beans and Sausages with me a while ago.

I love going to the north of England it is so much nicer than the south, especially London which is polluted, over crowded and smelly.

Winning Damages Against Google

I want to be like F1 driver Rubens Barrichello who won $500,000 against Google when they hosted fake online profiles of the Brazilian on Google's social network Orkut.

So if you are in Brazil or anywhere else please get busy creating fake Cat profiles, obviously we can’t split the money I make but I am sure that you will just be pleased for me that I have had a nice little earner, frankly it couldn’t happen to a nicer Cat could it?

Friday, November 06, 2009

Well Done Lads!

This is the way that they deal with Mice in Armenia!

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That's Life Isn't It?

When the shoe is on the other foot - I always fall over!