Sunday, December 27, 2009

If I See Another Mince Pie!

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Hello all of you lovely humans, I trust your Christmas was good, mine was but I tell you what if I see another Mince pie I think I shall spontaneously vomit and explode, aren't they nice?

Of course they are, especially if you have made them at home, well when I said made them at home - I don't mean by my own fair paw, does that go without saying? But I did watch some clowns make them, and then leave them to cool on the kitchen work surface, need I say more burp!

It is apparently the best thing to do, make your own Mince pies that is, "so much better than the ones from the shops because they are too sweet" I overheard, I also overheard the inhuman cries when the humans here discovered that their, now cool, Mince pies had been eaten.

Yes I think I broke some sort of record and managed to eat all of the Mince pies in the kitchen, I have to say I really don't fancy any more for a long while, hang on what's this?

I have to go, I have to go I have just heard someone ask "Turkey sandwiches anyone?"

Oh before I go, happy middle bit of no mans' land between the Christmas celebrations and the New Year!

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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

It's Been Snowing! Have You Noticed?

Hello all my cuddly friends. I would have been blogging earlier but I was one of those hundreds, (oh how I want to add thousands to the hundreds there just for effect) who were abandoned, ignored and uncared for by EuroStar recently when the train I was whizzing from Paris to London on stopped whizzing.

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Alarmingly the lights went out and people started to wonder "wtf" as I believe they say these days.

Well the 'f' was that we were stranded, abandoned and... well you get the picture, or you would have got a good quality picture if I had been packing a Camera but my trip to Paris was light, and I just had my iphone so the picture is not very good at all.

Actually I always travel to Paris 'light' because there are just so many pickpockets there, but adding that helpful piece of travel information is drifting away from the point and the drama of this little blog.

Is a little blog a blogette by the way? Mmmh, who knows!

Anyway there we were at first in a situation that would have made a passable comedy, and they when my iphone died the situation became dire, everyone knows that you can't be disconnected from your mobile phone even for a second, the world may collapse and there would be no way of emailing the pictures of it happening, as it happens, which of course was exactly what my fellow travellers, or should I call them waiters, were doing as well as waiting for the train to start chugging again, which it didn't!

As the hours slipped away and stiff upper lipped English people got tired of slapping the faces of whimpering Gallic ones while shouting "get a hold of yourself," and "panicking won't help, you know!" And they eventually began to panic too, I have to say this good looking Cat fell asleep and woke up rescued, which was very nice, some one had thought to bring hot Tomato Soup and Corned Beef Sandwiches and there was a spirit of the blitz about the EuroStar coach, although I have to say that was coming mainly from the EuroStar staff who were being shouted at a lot.

It was only later that I discovered the horrible truth of the depths to which some humans has stooped and then actually gone lower, just for the hell of it.

The scene apparently was like something from a co-educational 'Lord of the Flies' with human sacrifices and cannibalism, honestly you humans are odd, if you were hungry you should have popped down to the buffet car surely.

All in all my frozen experience was different to everyone else's who were on the stranded EuroStar train, I wonder if that is because I don't automatically expect to receive vast sums of the folding stuff in compensation, surely not!

Anyway here's a Happy Christmas to one and all! Yes I did watch the Muppet's Christmas Carol last night!

It really is up there with the best, I can see why Charlie Dickens wrote it especially for the Muppets they play it with a lot of feeling and understanding and I also have to say that Charlie Dickens screenplays are so much better than his novels which are really a bit dull but, and it is a big 'but,' you have to listen to the words of the songs he wrote specifically for this movie they are just sublime.

"Just one more slept till Christmmmmas"

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Friday, December 18, 2009

My Thoughts On Rendition!

If you want my honest opinion regarding extraordinary rendition, I think I would prefer an extraordinary one than just the norm! Wouldn't you?

This is an extract from my latest book "Thoughts from a Good Looking Cat!"
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Have I wished all of my lovely cuddly readers of my book, blog and my 'www'- wickedly, wonderful website a very Happy Christmas and more money in your pockets in the New Year? I hope so, I forget things sometimes. But I rarely forget to mention that you can still get my book at Amazon.com in time for Christmas and you really should you know, it would make me very happy and of course reading it will make you sublimely happy I promise. (Insert winning smile here).



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Thursday, December 17, 2009

Snow Here Too - But Cruel Snow

Much as I don't want to wobble on about snow because I know that most of Europe has the stuff and the skies across the world are filling up with the more so that it can be dumped on us all over night. But I did want to just quickly mention the snow here and that is because it is cruel snow!

Why is it 'cruel snow' I hear you ask? Well take a look at this photograph of some poor pensioners who were caught in the snow this morning while waiting for a bus into Prague, poor things they were going on a grumbling and barging tour of the shops.

Happily by the time I went out to take the (probably award winning) picture the sun had come out and the sky was blue, it was chilly though and I got cold paws.

Honestly I don't know what they are going to do with the poor frozen pensioners but I have noticed some really rubbish 'installation art' here and there in Prague and so they could use the frozen pensioners as that? It's just an idea of course. Not much of a way to spend Christmas though is it!

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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

What The Dickens?

After seeing that someone had managed to sell a Toothpick that belonged to old Charlie Dickens of Christmas Carol fame (not the Muppet version I hasten to add) recently for $9,000, it started me thinking about what mementoes my true fans would buy from me.

Just think, Charlie Dickens is dead! And that Toothpick which someone bought had been used by him to pick his teeth with, though of course he would have done that when he was alive! I am not suggesting anything really awful here, just that the Toothpick had been dragged in between his yellowing molars rather often, oh wait a minute The Cat has to puke.

Sorry about that, where was I oh yes Charlies' Toothpick 'the bargain of the year.' Well I have decided to take a leaf out of Charlies' book, though not literally or even literary if you see what I mean! I think I do, even if no one else does! I have decided to sell some of my own treasured possessions.

So now you lucky fans you can choose from the following new or nearly new treasured possessions:-

My Flea Collar (used and modelled by the 'lovely' Larry).

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My Scratching Post (modelled by good old athletic Ginger).

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My 'downstairs' Litter Tray (emptied, I think).

A Cat Collar with an elastic gusset which is supposed to help a Cat, in some way or the other, if it is dangling after being caught by a branch whilst the aforementioned Cat is tree climbing. But I have to say all it ever did for me was to make me bounce up and down as I dangled.

Author's Note:

The Cat Collar is not modelled, in the picture below, by Roger, who simply bet me I wouldn't include this picture of him!

The boy is a fool, now who looks like a complete buffoon and not only in this picture, Roger?

Incidentally I do apologise about the poor quality of the picture but Roger hit me on the head with the camera, though I don't know why maybe I am losing my memory!

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And finally of course my Cat nip flavoured mouse collection including poor Terry the small and very smelly Ginger Cat nip mouse. Sadly none of the other Cat nip mice will have anything to do with Ginger! It breaks your heart doesn't it?

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All of which, judging by the amount of money some fool paid for a used Toothpick, should raise a fortune, the bigger the better I say!

It almost goes without saying that the cash generate from the sale will come in handy. Christmas time is such an expensive time isn't it? Buying presents empties the bank account almost as fast as a - well I was going to say bad banker - but frankly they all are bad aren't they? If they weren't bad we wouldn't be in the deep doo doo we are in, would we?

Actually if you buy my wonderful book as a present for people who you really, really like and who deserve something really very special this Christmas then you won't spend a fortune I promise.

The best place to get my amazing book is here of course Amazon.com and when you get it at Amazon.com you will have it delivered a long while before Christmas and that will save you trolling about in the shops fighting others for it and then having to carrying it home.

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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Christmas Present List

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Hello to all of my wonderfully good looking readers from your humble servant The Cat.

I was so very pleased and frankly incredibly touched to hear that you wanted to know what I would like for Christmas. Of course I know that the question is one that is asked of a lot of very famous people and quite rightly we are a very important bunch with mostly fascinating opinions.

Looking down the list of people who have already filled in what they most desire for Christmas was a humbling experience I can tell you and before I let you in on my entry I thought I would share with you some of the hopes and aspirations of some very famous people indeed.



Most of the Politicians at the Copenhagen Climate Conference - want a cleaner, fairer, safer world.

President Obama - wants world peace. Presumably to match his Nobel Prize.

President Putin - wants to reduce nuclear arms.

President Sarkozy - wants to end hunger.

Nelson Mandela - wants to end injustice.

The Pope - wants stop premature infant death.

Elton John - wants more to be done to fight HIV/Aids

Mohammed Ali - wants more understanding between different races.

Prince William of England - wants a nice shiny Aston Martin like his Dad's!


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It makes you proud that we have such altruistic celebrities and elected representatives. Not one of the ones who have earned their status were as selfish as they are often made out to be.

All of which brings me onto what I would like for Christmas.

The Cat - wants an end to hunting, shooting and fishing for amusement.

I do wish my readers a very Cool Yule and a Happy Christmas and remember if you need any present ideas you still have time to buy my book from Amazon.com it really is very good and that is because I am an inordinately good looking and talented Cat.

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Monday, December 14, 2009

Who Is Responsible For This Outrage?

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Do you know what? I love being outraged! Don't you? There is nothing quite like a good rant at someone's expense and of course it makes a nice change for me to do a bit of ranting rather than be ranted at.

Normally, for some reason that I haven't ever quite fathomed out, people and of course I mean humans here, like to rant about the things I do, such as a little al fresco pooing behind the TV.

I don't know about you but I get really bored digging in a litter tray four or five times a day and so once in a while I like to 'go' elsewhere, what's wrong with that I ask you? Nothing of course! The humans tend not to agree though, bless them, and get just a little annoyed with me, then they do a bit of ranting after I slope off behind the TV.

Now it is my turn to rant! As you can see from the picture above some Cats, for reasons best known to themselves, do a bit of ad hoc jumping, probably I think to entertain humans. I say if that is what they like to do then why not, it doesn't hurt anybody does it.

Actually I have to stress at this point that I never jump in public - Cats are supposed to be laid back - it would ruin our image.

But recently I have seen the results of Cats demonstrating their jumping skills to humans just look at the picture below.

The picture was sent to me from a "well wisher" and I have to say that it is just about the most awful thing I have ever seen. How can a sane human do this to an innocent Cat? No, I don't know either. This sort of behaviour isn't nice and it isn't natural is it?

Maybe the Cat in the picture was bad, if so what on earth did he or she do that was so terrible that he or she had to be tortured in such a way as this?

Even the good Catholics in the Spanish Inquisition didn't behave like this, or was that because aeroplanes hadn't been invented?

Please if you know of anyone who had a Cat drop on their head recently can you get in touch with me and we will see if we can find a better home for this poor individual I think the Cat needs it don't you.

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So to any Cats reading my blog and I know a lot of you do, let the above picture be a cautionary illustration and the story of that sad, frightened and tortured Cat be a lesson to you. When you think about jumping for the entertainment of some human or other thing again, think where it might lead.

I don't know about you by dangling by a few strings 10 inches above the ground is a bad idea as far as I am concerned let alone several thousand feet attached to some homicidal (or is that Felinicidal) human who really and truly should either know better or be locked up immediately.

Lastly this thought just struck me when I was writing about Catholics, is or are Catholics anything to do with Cat Alcoholics? The words are so similar that it makes you wonder doesn't it?



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Sunday, December 13, 2009

A Happy Holiday For All

Sadly a large number of my blogs have been described as frivolous and I would like to do something about that and talk today about something that is a very serious problem facing almost every nation in the world.

The recent financial crisis. There are three or four truths about the recent financial crisis.

Yes it has been terrible!

No it wasn't expected.

Yes banks including the federal reserve banks of most countries were responsible for the terrible event and no they weren't punished they seem in fact to have been rewarded.

So those are the truths about the recent financial crisis but there is one more which it seems has gone un-noticed at the moment and that is that we together, us bods in the street, can get ourselves our of the mire and general doggie do do that the banks got us into.

The way that us ordinary bods in the street can do this is by spending money this Christmas cleverly and allowing money to flow again into and through the world's financial systems and a wonderful way to do that would be to buy a copy of my book at Amazon.com and if you want to ensure that it is a work of absolutely pure genius then you can get a sneak peek here at my 'www'- wickedly, wonderful website.

If you buy my book at Amazon.com then not only will you be assured of getting it delivered before Christmas you will be helping to kick start the economy, for that you should be rewarded, and you will be, with a great read.

This wish that you buy my book is the first of many Happy Holiday Wishes from me to you, which may or may not be centred around you purchasing my latest masterpiece, written by a really good looking Cat!

I do wish you all a Happy Holiday.

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Friday, December 11, 2009

Tiger Woods, The Cat Rolls Up His Sleeves and Dives In

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Mixing metaphors is like mixing drinks, it can produce an intemperate tirade of nonsense, similar to the intoxicatingly dumb and boring stories that currently beset poor, only in the sad stakes, Tiger Woods.

Now I have to say that of course I really have difficulty stirring myself to defend an idiot, and as the once mighty Tiger has admitted in so many words he was an idiot, but as a Feline I feel it is my duty to defend a Tiger, no matter how faded and tarnished this idiot's image may be.

So after talking on the phone to my people who talked to the Tiger's people who shared some black coffee with the Tiger, here is a short statement that both sides have agreed upon.

"Tiger Woods is not such a bad person you know and is was only practising at the 19th hole!"

As Eight-time Grand Slam winner Andre Agassi said when he awoke recently, don't be so cruel to the Tiger and don't judge him too harshly. "It's irresponsible to jump to conclusions on Tiger Woods without the full facts after recent claims about the golfer's private life..." Then he dropped off to sleep again.

Just remember that incredibly rich people have a right to let off steam once in a while and better still have, if they are sensible, a large number of PR people who can ensure usually that the 'facts' are never 'full' by any means.

So quite frankly my advice to the tarnished Tiger is to get better PR people. Frankly I would have thought that a small car crash in possibly an alcoholic haze, while possibly beating your wife with a five iron can be smoothed over rather easily if you have the right PR people, just ask the Kennedy clan!

Finally I have to say that as of this moment in time there is not going to be any announcement regarding the replacement of the Tiger with The Cat on the side of some bottles of Gatorade. Frankly just like the disgraced Tiger, The Cat would only drink that rubbish on camera and for large amounts of the folding stuff, but a Kitty has got to live! So watch this space.

However here at The Cat HQ (a sober and clean place where no wife beating has ever taken place) we were sent the picture below by an anonymous advertising agency, who simple asked The Cat for his opinion on some new artwork.

As of this moment that is all we can say on the subject of the new and improved Gatorade which, never fear, will be on the shelves for the Holiday Season.

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Thursday, December 10, 2009

Sayings In The English And American Languages

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Ok so the title is a little wrong and I know that I will get dozens of letters from the same person in Australia complaining that I forgot to mention Canadian, Australian and New Zealand English, but if I did that then I would have to mention all of the countries who use English as an official language and to my reckoning that is 83 other countries where English is either the official language or is widely spoken.

If you are interested here and I know that Mr. Snoggins of Toowoomba Queensland Australia will be the 83 countries in question are:-

Antigua and Barbuda
The Bahamas
Barbados
Belize
Botswana
Cameroon
Canada
Dominica
Fiji
The Gambia
Ghana
Grenada
Guyana
India
Ireland
Jamaica
Kenya
Kiribati
Lesotho
Liberia
Madagascar
Malawi
Malta
Marshall Islands
Mauritius
Micronesia
Namibia
Nauru
New Zealand
Nigeria
Pakistan
Palau
Papua New Guinea
Philippines
Rwanda
Saint Kitts and Nevis
Saint Lucia
Saint Vincent and the Grenadines
Samoa
Seychelles
Scotland
Sierra Leone
Singapore
Solomon Islands
South Africa
Sudan
Swaziland
Tanzania
Tonga
Trinidad and Tobago
Tuvalu
Uganda
United States of America
Vanuatu
Wales
Zambia
Zimbabwe
American Samoa
Anguilla
Bermuda
British Virgin Islands
Cayman Islands
Christmas Island
Cook Islands
Falkland Islands
Gibraltar
Guam
Guernsey
Hong Kong
Isle of Man
Jersey
Montserrat
Netherlands Antilles
Niue
Norfolk Island
Northern Mariana Islands
Pitcairn Islands
Puerto Rico
Saint Helena
Tristan da Cunha)
Tokelau
Turks and Caicos Islands
U.S. Virgin Islands

Oh look at that I have mentioned all of them after all oops! Anyway I hope that the information above is not only useful but also pacifies Mr. Snoggings and I can get on with the point of this blog which may eventually actually have something to do with the title - what fun!

As a best selling and world renown author (you have bought my latest book haven't you?) I tend to use the English language rather often and that, I am afraid is only because the Cat language has about as much chance as being used universally as Welsh.

During my time up to my elbows in the good old English language, which I have to say I really rather do adore, I have unearthed some odd phrases and sayings and from time to time I thought it would be a nice idea to drop one or two from a great height into my blog.

Then at the same time play with other sayings and then lastly create one or two of my own which you have my permission to use as long as I get a credit in the reference.

Ok so do you like the idea of this game? I thought that you would, well those that understand what I have written so far probably do, the others I see have wondered off, bless them.

So where shall we start, well Julie Andrews said that "we should start at the very beginning," which frankly Julie is a little obvious isn't?

Anyway here is one little saying that I have just thought of and you can adopt for your very own and when you use it, it will show just how clever you are.

In response to someone asking you something that you don't know the answer to you say, "I haven't the bloggiest!"

Mmmh maybe it seemed funnier in my head than on paper - much like the unfortunate Ricky Gervais's recent work - for those of you who have been under a rock for a number of years Ricky Gervais cowrote "The Office" which was funny on one side of the Atlantic at least!

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Then sadly Ricky lost his ability to be funny. In fact I am thinking of setting up a fund to see if we can raise enough cash to see if we can get a new sense of humour grafted onto poor Ricky I have already spoken to surgeons and they say tat it can be done, it won't be cheap but they might just be able to save him.

Still this isn't doing what we set out to do and that is to discuss English sayings and phrases, so unless you have lost the will to live by now here are two with Cat additives.

In response to someone telling you to "have a great day!" You can now reply. "Don't worry about me I always have a great day - I think that they put something in my water your know!"

It is delightfully off putting and in a gentle way that isn't too offensive.

The second and last saying, yes I have things to do and a life to lead too you know, is meant for times when you are thinking about people less fortunate than yourself, in my case that, at the moment, is when I am thinking about poor Ricky Gervais or Prince, (that is Prince of the 'Charles' variety rather than the small transexual one) and I am wondering just what it would be like to be 'them!'

"When the shoe is on the other foot - I always fall over!"

But then as you can see from the picture there are some consolations for being prince, the small transgender one got to squeeze Sheena Easton not in uniform and the Prince of the Charles variety gets to be the judge the of the Welsh Guard's breast enlargement contest, open to Guardsmen and Guardswomen of course.

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Wednesday, December 09, 2009

What Worries Me!

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There are a number of things worrying me at the moment and the main one of those irksome little worries is that I am about to go to the states to have a chat with some Hollywood types about turning me in to an animated cartoon.

No don't worry it isn't the fact that I will be turned into an animated cartoon that worries me, I know that they will draw me rather than use some sort of machine to 'process' me, I am not that dumb thanks.

Although having said I am not that worried about becoming an animated cartoon character however the bods in H/wood are always a little vague on exactly when they will actually make the movie and of course that applies to everyone who has written a blockbusting work of genius such as my book "Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat's Diary."

Even if the H/wood guys buy the rights to a book they do seem to drag their brogues when if comes to actually making the movie - just ask Terry Pratchett about that sort of thing and listen to him go on about that b***dy Spielberg fella and how he has had the rights to three of his books for nearly a decade and done sod all.

Of course the reason why H/wood producers and Spielberg types buy the rights to a best selling work of genius like my book or indeed any best selling book by lesser authors than yours truly is so that other H/wood types can't have them - hence the trip, there are no flies on this Pussy I can tell you.

And don't worry, I am not worried about the fact that I may end up with an American at worst, or a Transatlantic accent at best in the movie I can live with that is the pay day is good.

So this is what I am worried about!

They tell you when you are going through American Immigration these days not to be funny, and I am naturally funny, I can't help it I am just like that as you know, and it gets worse, they ask you what you do for a living don't they? And all I can say to that is either, "I am a Cat or I am funny," either way I think that I am going to end up behind a bar and I don't mean one where Sam might just play it again!

So dear readers you have to help me, please give this poor funny Cat a few suggestions, mentor him, advise him, if you want to see him on the silver screen.

If you do of course you will be able to say, "I helped his career you know!" Well it might be truer to say "I got the idiot through American Immigration," then someone will ask "how did you do that?"

And you'll answer proudly. "I lent him my personality, I wish he would give it back!"


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Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Two Innocent Articles And Then.... A Warning!

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I didn't realise that when I started to support The Queen's stand against the dreadful incursions of the paparazzi that I would have started to prise the lid off a can, full to the brim, of worms.

Ok, so I have been mentioning the UK Royal's love of shooting small furry animals such as myself, though wilder, (and I have to say wouldn't you be wild if you were being shot at?) and now I have had something of a warning through a third party from the United States.

This came in the mail today:

You have finally done it my friend I think. Here in the States we have the men in black who handle upstarts and the like. I am certain the British have more than the guys with Amy Winehouse hats. If you piss those people off, someone will be wearing you to the next Royal function I'm sure so take it easy on the people who run things.

Now I had no idea what an Amy Winehouse hat was but now I am worried, see above. Yes her hair is uncannily like a Guardsman's bearskin helmet if you can say the word helmet in the same article as you mention The Queen? I don't know but then I am only a Cat after all!

Thinking about it, it might be a good precaution to get a disguise?

I know, I could wear an Amy Winehouse hat! As you can see Amy Winehouse hats are all the rage among Cats at the moment. Below is a recent snap of my Siamese friend Prince Blue Flower or Bert as we call him affectionally, he is modelling his Amy Winehouse hat which was given to him only last week, poor devil.

What do you think? Will it work if I go under cover of Amy Winehouse's hair?

Toby, Ginger, Monty and Felix have all said that they will wear their Amy Winehouse hats in sympathy with me bless them, so as word spreads across the world please, gentle readers, don't be alarmed if your Cat crosses your lounge wearing something that looks like a dead fellow member of his or her species on his bonce, it is only your very own Moggie wearing his or her Amy Winehouse hat with pride and demonstrating solidarity with yours truly.

You know I never thought I could get into so much hot water and I will have to get out of it soon or my Amy Winehouse hat will sag like a badly cooked Soufflé.

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Monday, December 07, 2009

Royal Messages Of Support

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I would like to thank quite a few members of the Royal family who sent messages of support for my warning to the paparazzi over taking photos of me of a more than personal nature.

Some nice Royals even offered an amnesty, where they promise not to shoot any more little furry animals, though I have to say that I haven't heard back yet from the ones who seem to be bagging all of the furry animals that we have left in the countryside and have not packed up and immigrated because the climate is changing.

Having handed out a little thank you to some Royals I feel I must however use this medium to tell the four or five very minor Royals who wanted/demanded 'expenses' if they were to write on my blog, sorry no dice that is a bit thick isn't it?

Not only that didn't they take one of your titles away from you after you had your toes licked on TV or something, it is so long ago one can't really remember these days, thank goodness I hear you cry!

The removal of titles brings me to the sad case of Diana! She, I am sure, but do correct me if I am wrong, had all of her titles taken away after the 'messy' business except for "Head Shopper at Harrods" of course, so, and this is the point you will be relieved to hear, why is Diana referred to as the Princess of Wales etc when she is mentioned on TV and indeed even on the Royal Family's own website - http://www.royal.gov.uk. Beats me!

You humans are odd!

Oh actually I have a little joke for you which all of you odd humans may like, it made me laugh for a minute or two. Cats sadly look rather sinister when they laugh and so we tend not to laugh much and when we do only for a very short time, we don't want to scare anyone, especially if they are a bit dim and armed.

Anyway her is my little jokette:

I had a leak in the roof over my dining room so I called a repairman to take a look at it.

"When did you first notice the leak?" he asked.

I told him, "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

There I managed to get to the end of this blog without saying that the picture of Diana is a royalty free picture har ha!

Oops!

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Sunday, December 06, 2009

The Cat Issues Privacy Warnings Over Paparazzi Photos

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In conjunction with the announcement from Her Majesty the Queen and indeed prompted to some extent by her stand on the paparazzi taking pictures of her and her family in what she describes as 'private moments' I feel that I have to make a stand against some of the gutter press's most recent outrages.

A 'private moment' of mine was splashed all over the press recently by the paparazzi, it was awful, embarrassing and the picture was frankly very unflattering! Surely just because I am famous it doesn't give anyone the right to take paparazzi pictures of me in my litter tray does it? And I am sure that the Queen would be the first to agree with me!

Having said that I am not like Prince Willie, and that nice little mousey Katie Middleton person, worried about the paparazzi taking pictures of me out shooting small furry animals with my Dad and Step Mother and that is because obviously being a small furry animal I have a 'thing' against shooting them in the first place!

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It's All New Shiny And Improved - But Not Necessarily In That Order!

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Yes that's right, it really is all new shiny and improved! What is all new shiny and improved I hear you ask, my website of course!

Here at my 'www'- wickedly, wonderful website we have had the scaffolding up for a few months and the sun blotted out my many a large builder's bum just so that you get to use my new and improved website. Or as the Americans (bless every single one of them) would say to "improve your website experience!"

So what do you think of my 'www'- wickedly, wonderful website? It is fab isn't it? And whether you like it or not I would love to hear what you think of it, you can tell me on line or write to me at my own personalised email address thecat@thecatsdiary.com now how cool is it to have your own personalised email address? No don't tell me, I know!



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Saturday, December 05, 2009

How Could You Not Love This Little Treasure?

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See me for details!

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Announcement on Chili Dogs

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After much thought I do think that they are a good idea. So if you want to spice up your Canine then go right ahead.


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Being Famous!

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Being famous does have a downside as I found out only yesterday when I was minding my own business walking along the street behind my troupe of flunkies who were handing out signed photographs of a superstar and literary sensation namely me! A little trick I have picked up from some rap artists who might not have much in the way of talent but are great at PR but sadly are held back under the weight of their gold chains.

Some woman crashed through security, who was chatting up some teen, and is going to be 'talked' to later and accosted me! Now this is not the first time I have been accosted I have been accosted before and rather enjoyed it but I have a feeling that was light accosting and nothing like yesterday's dose.

Superstars like me are used to a little light accosting, I understand George Clooney goes out of his way to be accosted and poor little Jennifer Aniston would just love it if someone would even look as though they were going to accost her in the street but sadly no takers.

But few superstars get really accosted in the streets these days so I suppose that what the woman did was a bit of a compliment really, though even now I can't quite understand what she was on about but then I think that she had forgotten her medication, if you know what I mean!

She grabbed my fur coat and said, "You should leave that poor mouse Jerry alone!" then she ran off after giving my arm another shake or two and refusing a signed picture of me, still doesn't make any sense to me.

If anyone speaks mad and can translate for me that would be wonderful, if I write a new diary I will definitely include her in it, the world, though not short of looneys does need them.



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Friday, December 04, 2009

Cats Rarely Get Invited To Go Inside A Church!

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Have you noticed that Cats tend to rarely be invited into churches of any denomination along with all of the others of god's creations apart from humans.

A fact that has always puzzled me and that is because there are let's face it a lot of bad humans who are greedy and do dreadful things especially bankers, Arabs in Dubai to name but a few.

On the other hand all Animals tend to get along well in the end and don't do a lot wrong in general. There is obviously the odd isolated case of one animal eating the other but they do that because they are hungry so shouldn't be blamed for that.

I don't know about you but I have never heard of a war between the Animals on the planet except humans of course, it is amazing that humans are allowed inside churches at all isn't it!

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Thursday, December 03, 2009

As Seen On TV

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I am happy to tell you that one of my spies spotted my book on American TV last night. And although the spy couldn't tell me which show it was duh! Apparently my book looked every bit as good on TV as it does in the hand.

Have you got your copy yet, no! Well the best place to get it is here Amazon.com and if you want to ensure that it is a work of absolutely pure genius then you can get a sneak peek here at my 'www'- wickedly, wonderful website.

I have to say that you won't be disappointed with my wonderful book if has been described as excellent and that is from people nice enough to comment on it on the Amazon site, and of course now if you haven't read it you run the risk of not being able to talk about it at parties. So what are you waiting for?

It will of course make a wonderful Christmas present for humans and Cats of all ages.



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Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Cat World 2- The Biggest News

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The latest and biggest news is that Cat World 2 is now a reality and will most likely be set in the now nearly derelict Olympic Park, Beijing.

The small chaps in the grey trouser suits have come up triumphs and even offered yours truly diplomatic status if the Cat World debacle gets any worse and this Cat has to do a Houdini if you get my meaning.

Aren't they just the greatest? You can see why China without even the talent, culture or resources will one day become the most powerful nation on the earth can't you? They just don't have any scruples what so ever, gosh they could even teach Russia a few things in that department.

Actually I believe they teaching the Borises a few things because the very dangerous Mr. P has been toddling off to see the lads over there for a few bottles of nice cold Tsingtaos and some lessons in one party politics just recently.

Between you and me, and I know that you can keep a secret, I was a little surprised that the SinoSids welcomed me with such open arms, of course I was a little wary I have, after all, heard the Chinese Takeaway horror stories and didn't fancy being a fancy menu item, but this was an investment opportunity that cannot be missed.

When I asked if Cat was off the national menu the lads from the central party committee just couldn't stop laughing and Won, Ding or Dong I couldn't remember which one was which, nearly choked on his ice cold Tsingtao. They do all look alike. But anyway after he finished chuckling he said that most of the Proles in the country couldn't even afford to feed their families Rat let alone Cat so I was quite safe!

So do watch this space, although I have a feeling now that we have an agreement things will go quiet for a while and I can talk about something else on my blog.

One last thing though. It is a little after the first of December as you can tell by the date on this blog, I have to ask if you have started ordering your copies of my wonderful book "Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary," which is available to all for a small fee at Amazon.com or if you are in need of a laugh you can go to my 'www'- wickedly, wonderful website, and don't waste your money going to see this pile of rubbish.

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Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Isn't It Great That The Attention Span Of The Media Is Two Day's Tops

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Hello everyone, it's The Cat here, I got up today expecting to see the TV news and copies of all of the serious newspapers carrying more stories about the financial collapse of Cat World, the mega Office, Shopping, Hotel, Entertainment and Holiday destination which ran in to very minor financial difficulties recently, I mean is $80 billion really a lot of money these days?

But happily I couldn't see any reference to the project, the missing cash, my good self or my rather mediocre bunch of idiots that comprises the board of directors, all I might add either appointed by banks or governments.

It is a bit of a relief not to see constant references to 'Fat-Cats' I have to say with my face splashed here there and everywhere.

So I suppose thanks to the sort attention spans of the media and the forget full nature of the people in the streets, that's you the taxpayers who will no doubt pick up the bill for this little lot, I can safely say that we have got away with this, but then we did learn a lot from the good people at Bank of America, RBS and my chums at Lehman Brothers.

In fact some of my old muckers at Lehman Bros. and I are as we speak planning and of course financing Cat World 2.

Cat World 2 is going to be bigger, better and more expensive than the first Cat World and it may even be built before the first Cat World, currently we are looking at three locations around the world where the governments are how can we put this 'lenient' enough to lets us build in a place that is at the moment natural and unspoilt.

Watch this space for more exciting information and don't forget contact us soon if you want to be in on the ground floor. We are accepting initial investments of $100,000 and that is a bargain for this baby.



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Monday, November 30, 2009

Cat World - The Latest News!

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After 6 hours of talks today with our financial advisers we are now able to tell the world what they have suggested. The first suggestion is one that we have adopted immediately and that is that we advise all of our investors not to panic and remain calm or at least try to get control of themselves.

The advisers went on to suggest that there happily is a very simple resolution to this very minor hiatus in the liquidity of Cat World which is due in part to the enormous record beating amounts of money that we borrowed to launch Cat World, to say nothing of the rate at which we spent that money, happily all of these little setbacks can be resolved by borrowing even more money and that is exactly what we intend to do starting today.

With this sagely advice in mind we have launched the CW2F or Cat World 2 Fund which offers investors the opportunity to invest truly Madoffian amounts of cash secured against a 9th rights and share issue and our solemn promise that all investors will receive either their money back plus interest or a piece of some of the most exciting island and coastal real estate in the middle of the east, a place where they can retire in the sun and sand and watch the lagoon waters rising as global warming really begins to bite. Uh-ok!

Privately my advisers whispered to me - run Cat, RUN, as fast as you can!
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Sunday, November 29, 2009

Something For The Little Man

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As with all financial disasters, it is always the little man in the street who suffers most; and we here at Cat World don't want that to happen this time! Not that we are suggesting that Cat World is in a disastrous financial state and facing almost immediate ruin, oh no we aren't suggesting that at all!

But this time we are going to make sure that the little man is as safe as one of the houses, shops or office blocks that we have developed on our manmade lagoon islands. And how are you going to do that I hear you ask quite rightly?

Well for all small investors under 4ft 6ins tall we are going to offset the value of your risk according to your height then assemble all of these risks into several thousand Premium Financial Instruments and then once they are assembled we will roll them into a 'Vertically Challenged Bond' or VCB.

We will then offer our VCB bonds to a very select and exclusive group of investors through our Merchant Bankers. This group of very wealthy and exclusive individuals is known as the 'Anyone Group' and our Merchant Bankers have guaranteed that Anyone will be able to invest in our VCB bonds, and, furthermore they have also pledged that all taxpayers will be able to invest in this premium financial product the VCB bond twice allowing enormous rewards for us Cat World and the directors of our Merchant Bank.


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Saturday, November 28, 2009

Cat World Debt Fears!

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My dear friends and investors, I would like to take a moment to talk about some articles in the gutter press, such as The Financial Times, the Wall Street Journal and of course the BBC damn their keyboards, that report some 'problems' that we here are having at Cat World.

What can I say except - financial problems? What financial problems? There is talk I believe that after borrowing several hundred billion dollars from friends, relatives and complete strangers and spending it in a wise fashion, very quickly, that we can't meet the repayments.

Nothing, I have to say is further from the truth we can meet the repayments on these world record loans, we just want to wait a few years to do that, then at a time when the dollar, which it is true we have helped to cripple, is worth as much as the chocolate filled tinfoil coins on a Christmas tree we'll make some repayments.

Our advisers, ex board members of the Bank of Credit and Commerce, have assured us that this is not only perfectly legal but something which is done everyday in the banking world.

So my fellow board members of Cat World the wonderful entertainment, holiday destination, business centre and housing complex and I want to squash all of these dreadful rumours before they get out of hand and do something terrible, like say adversely affect the world's stock exchanges, we would like to do that but unfortunately we are off on holiday and will get back to you later.
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Friday, November 27, 2009

It Just Occurred Me!

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You know something really sad just occurred to me and that is that some poor souls out there in humanland might just not know what a Prawn is!

Or worse they might have for all of their lives miss out on the beauty, elegance and crunchiness of Prawns, which are for those of you who don't know less crunchy when they are shelled.

In fact I have to say that I really only recommend eating Prawns when they are shelled, but if an unshelled prawns slips out of a human's hand and then slithers across the floor at you what do you do, you crunch don't you obviously.

In America the land of the big, they call Prawns Shrimp, I don't really know why but I do know that Shrimp are, how can I put this err - 'built.' They are an enormous dream come true, well for this Cat at least!

So I hope that I have cleared up any confusion and that everyone, because that is the number of people who read my blog, knows what a Prawn is, but remember one Prawn is all very well but they are better when they come by the gross then they are 144 little packages of pink delight.



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Fat Cats Are Not All Bankers

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It is true! Not all fat Cats are Bankers, according to those nice people at Purina a third of all pets in the UK are overweight,* so if that is the case what about the numbers in the states? It doesn't bear thinking about does it?

So what are we going to do? I know, you could feed us Cats Prawns! Prawns are the perfect food they are full of energy, protein and not at all fattening. And of course some vegetarians eat Prawns, you know the ones I mean who don't understand the word 'vegetarian.'

Still I would happily live just on a diet of Prawns. So if you want to send me buckets or lorry loads I will happily munch my way to fitness.


Editors note:
As you will know from his book "Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat's Diary," available here Amazon.com,The Cat is sadly addicted to Prawns and although he is allowed them once in a while as a treat to send lorry loads to him as he suggested would be impractical, so please if you have followed his instructions and the lorries are on their way to The Cat Headquarters do please stop them and turn them around now.

The image used in this blog is deliberately distorted to preserve anonimity of this poor flabby feline, but we know who you are chubby chops don't we!

* Source http://www.purina.co.uk





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Thursday, November 26, 2009

Oops!

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Oh I am sorry about the last blog! There does that make amends?

How was I to know that what I wrote would come true? That some nice Polly's would, err how can I put this? Make a wish come true?

No that is not very nice at all and again I have to apologise. Now that sounds like I don't want to apologise if I 'have' to and that, I promise sincerely, is not the case.

Tee hee!

Parrots are after all some of God's little creatures even if they are Gay Pigeons. Still the good news is that now at least we know who's to blame for Parrots don't we!



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I Am A TTC!

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Yes that is right I am a TTC - Truly Transatlantic Cat! And so here is a happy Thanksgiving from me to all my fans over on that side of the pond.

I sincerely wish you all well and hope that you get what you wish for!

Purrs,

The Cat



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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Just A Thought

I would like to say and so I will, that not every blog needs a picture, just like this one in fact!

Actually it makes a change not to have to carefully paw craft a picture especially for you bloggers, even though of course I love you all, well I have to you love you all you keep me in Kippers and Prawns by buying my book and generally worshipping me, but all the same it feels nice not to have to fire up Photoshop and mess around pixelatedly, which of course is a new word and a lot of trouble at the same time.

Actually I like new words don't you? Well you should, you get quite a few here don't you and of course there are loads of newly invented words in my wonderful book "Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat's Diary," which you lucky people can buy and enjoy anytime you like.



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The Glorious Cat - That's Me Of Course

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I am a soft pawed predator and rather pleased about it!

Well would you want to be prey would you, I know I wouldn't!

Big Nudes!

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Oh! I am so sorry I have made a typo in the headline - it should read Big News! But it got your attention didn't it?

So what is the big news I hear you say and some of you complain! Well first I would say to all of you hold your horses and to those of you complaining I would say have some patience and don't be so rude. I am a Cat after all and typing isn't something I am born to.

No I know neither were humans born to typing, but you ape descendants held onto the prehensile toes and fingers while us slightly more highly evolved creatures have lost them and adopted a soft paw.

I have sort of decided that it would be fun each day to see if I can come up with ideas on how to annoy and of course eventually rid the world of Parrots, they are just multicoloured vermin after all gay Pigeons that's what I call them and this mission is so very important that I am considering moving my blog onto the home page of my 'www'- wickedly, wonderful website. Treat your self and have a click no one is looking. then after you have done that do go to my my 'www'you will adore it.

You don't really need the name of my amazing website but here it is just in case - www.thecatsdiary.com.

So I am going to have a chat with my PR people and let Sebastian, Polly and Georgie have a little 'ponder' as they always call it when they are trying to catch up with another of my amazing ideas.

In the meantime I thought I would share this little idea with you on the subject of 'dealing' with Parrots. Why don't we announce that scientists have discovered obscene quantities of Peanuts on the M25? And they are free to anyone who wants a peck.

For all of my international visitors and friends the M25 is an is the worlds largest environmental experiment. It works by trapping hundreds of thousands of motorists every day by pretending that it is a motorway.

The motorists sit patiently at a standstill until ten minutes after they should have arrived at their destination and then they are released like a competitors in a race.

So if the carbon monoxide from the idling engines doesn't get the Parrots who have come for the free peanuts then the formation start will.

Perfect! That should get rid of a few of those over dressed Pigeons shouldn't it!



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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

It Is True To Say That I Hate Parrots - Does That Make Me A Bad Cat?

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Yes it is true to say that I hate Parrots - does that make me a bad Cat? I don't think so and this is why!

First as the picture evidence shows Parrots eat with their feet and that has to be an awful habit and they can't wash themselves - fancy that!

Secondly I have a suspicion that Parrots are responsible for Bird Flu, they are birds of course and I have a feeling that they really hate anyone that isn't a Parrot. Ask yourself this if you don't believe me when you last tried to give Polly a peanut what did it do - yes that's right it bit you and I bet you got told off for not only interfering with the Parrot but also for swearing, they are plotting our downfall I tell you.

And most importantly thirdly, the Parrot that I live with is just an awful feathered bully who picked on me the minute I was brought home imprisoned in a Cat basket, of course you can read all about that in my wonderful book - "Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat's Diary" which is available to all for a small fee at Amazon.com or my 'www'- wickedly, wonderful website, and all good stockists.